Page 63 of Josh’s Play

“I’m not.” There was that look again.

“No really, I’m not, because I will tell you what I told them. I’m going to stay in the closet. I have to stay in the closet. So even if I wanted to date, even if someone like Josh wanted to be with me, which he doesn’t, it wouldn’t be fair to him … to anyone,” I added quickly. I’m not sure how it was possible that her look intensified.

“Josh is a player. He’s not looking for a relationship. Never was. We were just … project partners.”

“People can change, you know.”

I mirrored her quizzical look.

“You know, I used to be a bit of a player myself. I accelerated my undergrad so I could start working in PT and subsidize my graduate degree. It was a solid plan, but it didn’t leave me much time for romance.” Her face lit up. “Then I met Noah, and I just knew he was the one. I didn’t need those apps anymore. I just needed him. And I don’t know Josh that well, but what if that’s what happened for him?”

“I appreciate you sharing that with me, Diane, but it’s not the same. I can’t imagine Josh ever wanting me, and even if I could, I can’t imagine him hiding in my closet. He told me as much!”

Diane rose and kissed my forehead. “I get it, I really do. It’s complicated and messy, and the stakes are really high for you right now. Just keep in mind, sometimes people do change. Did you plan to come out to your parents? Or your best friend, or his girlfriend, this year?”

I did think about Diane’s words, and I continued to think about Joshua Marchetti-Gordon practically every minute of every day. Games would be starting up, and I needed to get my focus back on the ice. A million times, I almost opened my messaging app and reached out to him. If only to have one last conversation. One last time for him to let me down gently and dash any foolish hopes I might have harbored. One more time where maybe I could touch him and hold him and pretend I was like him, and that I could walk away from our time together with a, “Thanks, man.”

Every time I thought about it, I concluded that it wasn’t Josh’s responsibility for me to get over him. I had to do that on my own.

I happened to be sitting on the couch, staring at my phone and actively not opening up the messaging app when Diane and Noah shoved my jacket in my face a few days later.

“Get dressed, Cam. We’re going out!”

I may have groaned. “No. I have to study.”

“We only had three days of classes this week, and it’s the weekend. You’ve got plenty of time for homework.”

“Practice,” I threw out.

“Canceled. The coaches have that all-athletic staff conference thing this weekend.”

“I don’t want to!”

“Not good enough.”

“Let’s go next weekend!”

“Today’s the last day. I’ve been at HU for five years, and I’ve never been. We’re going,” Diane insisted.

I knew playing third wheel would be a mistake, and that absolutely turned out to be the case. We took a bus from campus to the state park. Diane and Noah were able to grab two seats together, and I was rows behind them, sitting with an excited coed who kept turning in her seat to talk to the two girls behind her.

I’ll admit the view pulling into the park was almost worth the trip. As we walked in, the area with a small stage, picnic tables, booths, and a few large tents opened up to a small pond, surrounded by massive, verdant trees on one side. People skated around like something out of a Thomas Kinkade painting. A mountain peak loomed behind everything.

“And when it warms up”—Diane tried to include me in the conversation by turning around—“we have to come back and hike. You can see the campus from one of the trails up the mountain.”

“Cool.” I smiled at her as she led us to the booth set up near the rink.

“Skate with us, Cam?” she offered sweetly. I looked at Noah, who shrugged at me.

“No, you two go. I’m going to grab a hot chocolate, and then I’ll snap some pictures of you two out on the ice.”

“Oh, that would be lovely.” Diane kissed me on the cheek. “It’s so romantic here. Don’t you think?” I could feel her strong, physical therapist's hands squeezing my upper arm through my coat.

The two skated for a bit, and I was happy to get some nice shots of them on the ice together even as the images made me think about my own lonely status. I’d never even made it out on the ice with Josh that morning I’d dragged him to the rink, the morning we’d kissed and he’d turned my world upside down.

I sighed in frustration and vowed to myself to be positive for the rest of the afternoon. As the couple worked their way around the pond, I headed to the booth with shelves of skates behind it and was surprised to find two of the guys who worked at the rink on campus staffing it.

“Dex! Pete! Hey, guys.”