Page 24 of Chasing Honor

“Don’t do that.” He stopped brushing imaginary lint off the couch and looked up at me. “I had two parents. My dad was rarely home. I knew he loved me and my mom, but he loved the military more. He’d volunteer for deployment even when he’d only been home a few months. I’ve heard men like your father tell stories about the great Buck Sully, but the truth is, he may’ve been a great soldier, but he sucked as a dad. I had a mom, a good one when she wasn’t lost in her grief over losing a husband who’d promised year after year things would be different. Looking back, I wonder if she was grieving the love of the man, or the loss of a future she knew he’d never provide. She loved me, but she never let me rattle on about my day and listen with her entire soul like you do for Carson.

“I’ve known Carson a week, and I can tell you with certainty that little girl wants for nothing. She is surrounded by love. There’s no way she’d be as bold and talkative if she was unsure about the people around her. Your job is dangerous. But that doesn’t make you selfish. I doubt you’d be happy working behind the counter in a hardware store. That’s not how you’re wired. And if you’re not happy, how are you supposed to make her happy?”

“And the dating part? Now that you’ve properly put me in my place for feeling sorry for myself do you have anything to say about that?” He smiled.

I hadn’t meant to come off sounding preachy, but he was selling himself short.

“You haven’t dated since she was born?” I asked.

“Before that, actually. I’d been dating Chrissy for six months when she got pregnant. The night she told me, everything between us changed. We were over. It was like a switch had been flipped, and she wanted nothing more to do with me. I’ve never told anyone this, not even my parents, I asked her to marry me that night. I told her we’d raise the baby together. She told me no.” His laugh sounded hollow.

“I guess you haven’t found the right woman to be Carson’s mom.” He adverted his gaze from me. “You know any woman you find has to not only be right for you but Carson, too. It’s easy to trust your heart, but I suppose it would be difficult to trust someone with hers.”

“I’m going to kiss you, smalls. I know what I said earlier, and we’ll go slow until we both know this is something we want to explore. But I have to taste you.” He leaned in and cupped my face. “Tell me now, if you don’t want this.”

“I want this,” I whispered.

He quickly closed the scant distance between us and, instead of going for it like I would’ve allowed, he slowly explored my mouth with his. When he finally licked the seam of my lips, I was panting with anticipation. The first swipe of his tongue tasted like paradise. It didn’t take long for him to scoot closer and angle my face where he wanted it. The kiss became demanding, and I wanted nothing more than to submit. I met him stroke for stroke, completely lost on the most erotic voyage of my life, trusting Ethan would steer us where he wanted to go. It may’ve been five minutes or two hours when he slowed the kiss and sweetly bussed the corners of my mouth before pulling back, leaving me dazed.

With his hands still cupping my cheeks he spoke. “I thought I was sure before that kiss but now I’m absolutely positive I want to see where this goes. I’m scared as fuck because I’ve never let anyone close to us before. But, smalls, I’ve never been kissed like that. I’ve never felt a spark of excitement so deep I never wanted to breathe again. I swear we’ll go as slowly as you need, as long as we’re moving forward.”

“And if I don’t want slow?”

He closed the distance again and softly kissed me.

“I need slow. I’ve never done the whole dating thing as an adult and I’m sure I’m gonna fuck it up. Bear with me?”

“Is that what this is? Dating?”

“I don’t know what you’d call what I’m feeling, but, whatever it is, I want more of it.”

“Okay. But I need something from you, too.”

“Anything.”

“I need patience. The last time I had a boyfriend I was a senior in high school, and it didn’t go so well.”

He studied me for a second before asking. “Did he hurt you?”

“Yeah. But not the way you’re thinking. After I gave him my virginity, he told the whole school about it. Then he gave a blow by blow description of the night and offered to share me with his buddies on the lacrosse team.”

“What a dick.”

“He totally was. The rest of the year was spent trying to restore my reputation. But it never worked. Once you’re deemed a slut in high school, there’s no changing it.”

“I’m sorry that happened to you.”

He situated himself on the couch and pulled me back into his arms to cuddle. It felt nice sitting and sharing with Ethan.

“Eh. It was a long time ago. After I graduated, I started design school and was so caught up learning new stuff and getting my portfolio together, dating and sex were the last thing on my mind. Then my mom died. Nothing seemed important after that.”

“Tell me about her?”

I shifted and curled up even closer to Ethan. With my head still spinning from the information he’d given me, my heart pounding from our closeness, and wet undies from our scorching hot kiss, I relaxed and told him stories about my mom—the good ones before Franklin came into our lives.

7

“Can Honor come?” Carson asked, sitting on my bed, waiting for me to finish getting ready.