Page 19 of Declan

Autumn was absolutely right, there was no we, there never could be. Not after what I’d lost, what I’d failed to protect, and in the years since, the man I became was incapable of giving anything.

“I know what we have. But that doesn’t change anything. You’re not taking on Omni by yourself. And when I say we, I mean the team. We’re taking your back on this, and in return, you’re taking ours.”

Even as I said the words they felt wrong. I wasn’t so sure I knew anything anymore. I couldn’t keep her but the thought of her walking away grated like sandpaper. It shredded what was left of my heart. Tore at what was left of my humanity.

I had no right, but I needed Autumn with a fierceness that scared the fuck out of me.

She was the only one who quieted the storm.

Chapter 7

Declan’s heart pounded under my hand, the rhythm matched what was happening in my chest. The thump was painful, but hearing him confirm that we were nothing hurt more than it should. As a matter of fact, it shouldn’t have hurt at all.

Nothing hurt me, not anymore. Years ago I learned how to close down and shut off. I found it was a skill that wasn’t hard to master, not when you didn’t want to feel. Not when you didn’t want to think.

No looking back. Only forward.

No one would ever have any sort of power over me, not ever again. No man. No woman. The only person I could trust was me, and right then sitting in Declan’s lap I was betraying myself. I was thinking stupid thoughts. I was wanting stupid things. I was allowing myself to think and that was dangerous.

I had a mission—we had a mission. They were similar but not entirely the same. I wanted to take out Madeleine Strotherby. Declan and his team wanted to dismantle Omni. The only part of Omni I was concerned about was the human trafficking—the rest, the money laundering, the politics, the drugs, their attempt at world domination I didn’t give the first fuck about. My only goal was to save as many lives as I could. The rest of it, the guys could have.

But to do that, I needed to pull my head out of my ass and stop all the stupid, stupid, what-ifs. Now wasn’t the time. No, scratch that, never was the time to play that game. I had what I had and I was who I was. There was no changing. I’d spent the last ten years by myself, locked in my head, and when this was done and Declan was gone, I’d stay there. It was a safe place to be. It was the only place to be.

Then why does the thought terrify you?

I shook my head in a physical effort to knock the thoughts from my head. It was time to buck up. I needed to talk to Thad. Then we had to get our heads in the game and kick some ass.

“I should talk to Thad,” I told Declan, and as soon as the words left my mouth his body tensed.

What the hell?

“I’ll go with you.”

“That’s not necessary.”

His arms tightened and for a minute I let the warmth of his embrace wash over me. More stupidity. But I knew the arrangement Declan and I had was coming to an end and I wanted every last memory I could bank. I’d need them. Alone was lonely and having just a small piece of Declan to take with me would cut through some of the solitude. So I was memorizing everything I could, filling my reserves so when he was gone I could recall moments like this when I felt safe. Something I hadn’t felt since I’d been kidnapped.

If I was a different kind of woman maybe I’d be able to tell him how much the time he’d given me meant. How all those times he’d left my bed to go home I’d ached until he returned. How I’d desperately wanted him to stay even as I was kicking him out. How just once I wished when the sex was over, he’d curl into me and hold me. I’d never had that, not once in my miserable fucking life had a man touched me with kindness. Not even Declan. We had sex the only way I could, the only way I’d allow, complete emotional detachment. Desire and pleasure—that’s all we had.

God, I was so fucked up I couldn’t even do something as simple as sex right. I couldn’t kiss him, I could feel his weight pressing me to the bed, I couldn’t take him in my mouth.

I couldn’t…story of my stupid life.

But there were things I could do—slit a trafficker’s throat without thought, choke the life out of a man who harmed little girls. I could rain devastation and destruction and I did.

At what cost?

Nope, it was too late for me. There were no what-ifs.

“Babe?”

“Yeah?”

“Did you hear me?”

Stupid thoughts.

“No, sorry.”