Page 33 of Declan

“Why are you pissed?”

“Probably because you don’t know what a—”

“Don’t finish that,” Declan cut off Kyle.

“Damn, brother, you packin’ light?” Brooks chuckled.

“Swear to God, I’ll beat your ass.”

“What the hell is your problem?” I asked.

“I think you bruised poor Dec’s ego,” Max told me.

“Huh? Why? I didn’t mean I like you, like you. I was just saying—”

“The. Fuck?”

All the guys busted up laughing again and I looked around in confusion.

“Y’all are fucking nuts,” I mumbled and stood.

“Speaking of fucking,” Max joked. “Dude, you misunderstood. I could try to explain it to you but it’s one of those things that wouldn’t be funny the second time around. We weren’t talking about fucking fucking, she was saying she gives zero fucks what people think about her.”

I did a quick rewind and tried to remember what Declan had heard when he walked in.

I forgot what a fuck feels like.

Oh!

Oh, shit!

“You thought I was telling them I didn’t remember what fucking feels like?”

“What the fuck?” Thad grouched.

“Sweet Christ. Not again.”

Kyle, Brooks, and Max lost their shit. They laughed so hard, Max was wiping tears from his eyes, Kyle leaned his forehead to the armrest and roared into the material, and Brooks was bending sideways holding his gut.

Declan wasn’t laughing but he was smiling. Straight out, full-blown smile that changed everything about him.

Every-damn-thing.

Sweet Jesus.

Declan was sexy as hell. But smiling, he was beautiful.

The tiny flutters from earlier turned into flurries.

Yeah, this was exactly what I remembered happiness feeling like. But accompanying it was an emotion I was well acquainted with. An emotion that clung to my skin and coated my insides—fear.

Most days fear was the only thing I had, my only friend, the one thing that kept me alive. Once it crept in and took over, the rawness of it suffocated me, then it settled in and I couldn’t breathe without it. Losing it meant complacency. Complacency meant mistakes. Mistakes meant death.

So for years, I wrestled that nasty emotion into submission and used it for my benefit. The problem was that fear stifled happiness. It smothered everything until I was left with nothing.

And now happiness was even more frightening than death.

Because I never had it, not fully, and feeling a tiny twinge of it hurt like a thousand shards of glass piercing my heart.