Page 55 of Declan

It wasn’t a question. I knew my dad had killed his business partner. I’d watched him do it. The man who’d taken me and sold me to pay off a gambling debt. I couldn’t even summon up enough emotion to care that my life ended because some asshole didn’t know how to play poker.

“Yes, I killed him.”

“And his wife?”

“She knew and she covered for him.”

Something I hadn’t known. Interesting.

“I burned his house down,” I told him. “I watched you. You didn’t wear gloves, you were careless. So I burned down the house. After that, I drained his bank accounts and left.”

I lost my dad’s gaze, and just like all of the other times he couldn’t bear the sight of me, it hurt.

“Look at me,” I demanded. His eyes snapped to mine.

Revulsion.

“I know you can’t stomach the sight—”

“Don’t you ever say that again!” my dad shouted and went to his feet. “Christ, is that what you thought? What you think?” The sob that tore from my father was gut-wrenching. “Autumn, all of this is my fault. I did this to you. I brought that man into our lives. And then I let him destroy my daughter. I couldn’t look at you without it ripping my heart out, knowing what I’d done. Me, daughter, I did it. I fucked up everything.”

It was a weird thing to note, but with my dad standing in front of me, seeing him for the first time in nine years, how he’d aged, how he’d stayed the same, so when he cursed I tried to think about if I’d ever heard him say a bad word. I hadn’t.

But I didn’t bring it up.

“I needed you.”

“And I failed you.”

I felt my dad’s admission score through me, cracking some of the ice I’d layered over my heart.

“I needed you.”

“I know, baby girl, and I let you down.”

Another hit, this one harder.

“I just needed my dad!”

I felt my legs start to tremble and the walls I thought I’d reinforced when I’d snuck out on Declan splintered.

“I’m sorry, Autumn. I’m so damn sorry I wasn’t stronger. I was weak. So fucking weak that when I knew my daughter needed me I still couldn’t face what I’d done. I couldn’t find the strength to be a better man, a better father. I failed, you, your sister, and your mom. And you paid for my mistakes. You lost everything because of me and I can’t ever apologize enough for that.”

“I needed…”

I didn’t finish what I was saying and I also wasn’t standing anymore. I didn’t remember my dad catching me, just that he did. I also didn’t know how we ended up on the floor but we were sitting on his ratty-assed carpet. But none of that mattered, because for the first time in over ten years, my dad’s arms were wrapped around me.

And everything shattered.

Every. Thing.

All I’d wanted after I’d been rescued was my dad. I needed to feel his strong arms around me. I needed his words of wisdom, I needed him to hold me and rock me and tell me everything would be okay. But he’d rejected me. Wouldn’t even look at me.

“I hate you,” I whispered.

“I know you do, honey.”

“I hate that you wouldn’t touch me. I was so dirty, all I wanted was for you to…”