Page 67 of Declan

I wanted to go to her, pull her into my arms, and take the solace only she could give me. But I owed her more than that. I couldn’t take any more from her without offering something in return.

“For years, I’ve walked around dead inside. I felt nothing. No, that’s a fucking lie. I felt excruciating, unbearable pain. Pain that makes me want to rip my heart out of my chest. I’ve watched my sister fall in love, get married, and start a family. I’ve watched my teammates do the same, and with each one of them, I died a little more knowing I had that once, but I’d never have it again. I’d never feel anything but grief and heartache.

“Then you came along. And the first time I looked into your eyes, I felt it. I saw my reflection. My mirror image. And I hated you knew what unbearable pain felt like. I wanted to take it from you. Then as fast as you were there, you were gone, and I didn’t stop you. I let you walk away because I knew that’s what you needed to do. You weren’t done running and I wasn’t done beating myself up.”

“I’m not her.” Autumn’s reminder made me wince.

I was a grade-A dick for saying that to her.

“I know you’re not. And when I said that to you, it came out all wrong. My head was fucked-up. There was so much swirling around in my brain I couldn’t keep it straight.”

“Then what did you mean?”

The unusual show of vulnerability stole my breath, but when Autumn turned to face me I couldn’t swallow. Chewing glass would’ve been less painful.

Good Christ, she was beautiful.

So beautiful she deserved more than my stained soul. But I’d be goddammed, I wasn’t giving her up.

We’d have to find our way.

There was no other option.

“Fuck.” I shoved my hands into my pockets to stop them from yanking my hair out by the roots.

“Dec—”

“No, Autumn. Let me explain. And there’s no way for me to do that but just to say it, and I’m sorry it’s gonna make me sound like a dick. When I’m with you, I don’t think about Juliana. I don’t think about the loss, the pain, nothing. And now sometimes I go days without her coming to mind. I was feeling guilty about that. I did love her, there’s no doubt about it. But it was different—it was easy, it was sweet. I was a different man then. And now the things I’m feeling for you I feel guilty about because I never needed her to breathe, I never needed her with such a craving that I felt like I was coming out of my skin unless she was near. Not while she was alive, and that’s fucking with my head. She was the mother of my child, shouldn’t I have felt that?”

“I don’t know, Declan, I’ve never been in love. I’ve never had a man that was mine. One that loved me. So I can’t answer that. But I don’t think you loving your wife makes you sound like a dick, I think it’s beautiful. I think it says something good about you that you have it in you to feel that deeply.”

I’ve never been in love.

Fuck, why did that slice me to shreds?

We stood in silence staring at each other. Mere feet separated us but the divide felt like miles. A deep chasm of anguish kept us apart and I couldn’t take another second of it.

Not the physical distance. Not the emotional distance.

I started to move but she put her hands in front of her to stop me.

“I don’t think I can do this.”

“Do what?”

“This.”

“And what is this?”

“Us.”

“So, there’s an us?”

Autumn's brows pinched together and she frowned. “I don’t know.”

I ignored her panicked expression and closed the distance.

“Say what you want to say.”