Page 51 of Before We Burn

“It’s not,” I say abruptly, cutting through whatever she was about to say. Glimpses of possibilities flash through my mind, and I take pieces of the past, altering them to see different outcomes. Each time, the outcome was worse.

“If you didn’t do what you did, The Collective would have complete control right now. The poor and weak would be killed. Vampires and witches used as lab rats. The rich would get bored eventually, then vampires would be their source of entertainment. They’d starve you and make you fight dogs. Your actions stopped this world from becoming an unlivable hell. People can survive in this state.”

I stop myself, realizing I’m getting too close to the possibilities. It’s easy to get lost in the future.

“Bunny…” she begins, pleading. I know she wants it to stop, but I need her to realize before it’s too late.

“You need to give Everett a chance. You need to give Benny a chance. You need to give yourself room to grow like you do with everyone else. You’re not the same Marzana from three-hundred years ago. You’re a teacher and a blood connoisseur. You enjoy quiet nights and finding new hobbies. You’re not a murderous lunatic anymore. You’re Marzana Popov, and you deserve to see the light in people who see it in you.”

I see her shoulders deflate and eyes turn sad. Marz is easy to read if you pay attention. “Chances are they don’t even want a chance, Bunny. Remember, I’m a monster.”

“You don’t believe that. You feel it with Everett, I know you do. Follow whatever it is you think you’re feeling. Let it guide you. Let yourself do what you want for once. I promise it won’t hurt—not now, at least.” Foolish girl, the voices screech at me. Punishment must happen, another calls. Agreed, punish the girl.

I know what comes next. My skin begins to itch, my brain ringing with their voices. Hundreds of them, over and over again. I cover my ears then feel the drain. The witches have been helping me sustain myself, because animal blood isn’t enough, but with their magic I can survive.

Once they pull their magic from my body, my skin turns grey, my hands shaking. I want to vomit but hold it in. Marz is in front of me quickly, a cool rag in hand and her face pulled into a concerned frown. She’s speaking to me, but I can’t be around her. Without the witches I’m different…angrier.

Without another thought, I move at full speed from the house, disappearing into the night and into a dense, thick forest. I used to come into forests a lot when I was a human—it used to be where I could go and forage for mushrooms and different berries. Sometimes I would get lucky and find edible vegetation.

Now when I enter the forest it goes silent. They don’t see me as a friendly visitor anymore; they see me as death.

I slowly lower myself to the cold, wet ground—a sheen of mist had come through and left everything wet and squishy—and I lie there like a starfish. My eyes stare at the dark sky as the cold numbs my body and senses. My heart rate slows, and I feel like I’m there, looking death in her face as she laughs.

Crunching leaves pull my attention, and a healthy deer joins my company. I hear its heart beating steadily and its breaths blowing out through its nose. The crunching leaves must’ve scared it, because it hesitates before its next step. I stay as still as possible until the deer is standing next to me, eating carefully.

A hint of sadness courses through me. I used to sit like this with all types of animals around me. They knew they could trust me, and I could trust them. In this world, the only people who have ever hurt me are those of my own kind. Animals don’t hurt each other for fun—at least the decent ones.

I sit with my loss for a moment, remembering the time when I would never hurt an animal. Even my diet was mostly things from the earth, besides fish. But now…now I am going to drain the life from the deer and any other I find until the witches return.

I’m going to kill them all.

20

THERE’S POWER IN IGNORANCE

EVERETT

My eyes stare at the empty space next to me, finding nothing but pillows and sheets where Marz is supposed to be. I never thought I would say it, but I’ve grown fond of her. The stubborn assassin-turned-teacher has become someone I can’t go a day without thinking about.

A pit forms in my stomach. I don’t know why she left before I woke up—I think back to everything I said, everything I did. If something upset her, it wouldn’t be like her to run away from it. She would tell me…I hope. My thoughts spiral into the ‘what-ifs’ and ‘maybes’ of the endless possibilities that could’ve made her leave.

Voices trail into the room, echoing from the vents. Everyone is up, but no one bothered to get me. I’m used to that. When I was promoted to lieutenant, the other ranking officers would make it a point to start meetings without me or give me a different time or place. I guess it was going to be the same here, too.

I roll out of bed, still naked from the night before. Marz’s scent lingers on my body, and an odd sense of placidity washes over me. I’m thinking too far ahead and assuming things too easily. I need to remember she came to me—she checked on me—and when she had the chance to stop it, she didn’t.

The thought doesn’t settle the boiling rage inside my gut which has convinced me that my entire identity has been built on lies. Benny had been lying, the people who I surrounded myself with—who I trusted—had spent their entire time with me circulating a well thought out lie so I would become the monster they so desperately needed.

I don’t even realize I made my way into the bathroom, my thoughts trapping me in a constant cycle of sadness, anger, and regret. I look at myself in the mirror, my eyes seeming heavier. My beard is all out of sorts and my hair has grown out. The only person here who would know how to cut and line it up properly is Benny, and I can’t ask anything of him right now.

The faint whispers of betrayal play in my ears at the memory of Benny as he told me how he’s been lying to me. Pretending to be something he wasn’t while I was fully dedicated to my hate. My fist flies out, shattering the mirror in front of me. I expected someone to come rushing in, to check if I’m okay, but no one does, and I’m left with an odd feeling of embarrassment.

Why can’t I get a grip? Why is all of this affecting me so deeply it’s changing my character?

The questions linger in the air around me as I force myself to maintain basic levels of hygiene. I don’t shower, though—I can’t. I don’t know how long it will be before I get the chance to spend more time with Marz, especially after waking to find her side of the bed empty.

I drag myself downstairs. The voices are loud and raised, and I recognize one as Benny and the other as Marz. They’re fighting about something I can’t quite make out since a blender is also going.

The house has a weird layout—small rooms rather than a large open space—and I notice odd places for doors and trinkets. When I round the corner into the kitchen, the conversation stops. Constantine stands in a corner, her eyes settled on me like forty-pound weights. Marz stands at the counter using the blender while Benny hands her fruits.