Page 78 of Lucky 22

“Oh, my goodness! That’s incredible. Tell him we’re proud ofhim, too.”

Smiling, I nod again. “I will.”

“I know you weren’t thrilled with this move at first, but itseems like this was the right one for his career.”

“It really has been. He’s having a great season, and he’sso…, he’s just so deep in baseball mode. He’s so focused, and he never lets hisfoot off the gas. He just keeps pushing himself harder and harder.”

“We all felt that way about your acting career. When youwere growing up, you were so fixated on learning everything you could—thesinging, dancing, and acting lessons—you never really just let yourself be akid. You know, the two of you are both intensely driven. That’s why you’re aperfect fit for each other.”

I know this, but I guess I never considered how my drivelooked to other people. Christian and I have talked about it, but not quite tothis extent.

“Did you ever think I was wasting my time or…?”

“Nope. You were passionate and so determined,” she says.“And you were naturally talented. If you were doing all those things and didn’thave any talent, your father and I probably would have found a way to point youtoward something else. But you put your heart into everything, and that’s whatChristian’s done, too. He’s a gifted athlete, and right now, this is hismoment.” She pauses. “And it’s important that you’re there to support him.Because you know he would do the same for you.”

When I don’t respond to that right away, she continues.

“That’s one of the things that’s been so impressive aboutthe two of you. The balance. You spend so much time apart because of yourcareers, but you make it work. Everyone who knows you can see how you supporteach other. I love that you’ve found someone who gets you. And clearly,Christian does.”

Now, I’m speechless. The sigh that slips out is the kindonly a mom would notice.

“What’s going on, Ella?” I hear the concern in her voice,and I’m not even sure how to put what I feel into words. There are things Iobviously wouldn’t and didn’t share with Tracy, but this is my mother.Shouldn’t I be able to talk to her about how I feel without fear of judgment?

When she repeats my name, I know I have to say something.

“Lately, I’ve been feeling like…like I can’t keep thatbalance. I’m trying so hard to hold it all together, but it’s like I’m walkingon a balance beam and keep falling off. Am I selfish for still trying to havemy acting career? Is that hindering our marriage?”

“Oh, sweetie, why would you even think that?”

Tears sting my eyes, and I huddle in a corner by the gate,trying to hide. “Because I couldn’t wait to leave St. Louis and come to LA,” Isay miserably. “Easter was awful, I’m exhausted from trying to keep up withChristian’s schedule and routines, and…and eating two dinners, and…”

“Wait, wait, wait…two dinners? Why on earth would you eattwo dinners?” I can tell she’s mildly amused and curious.

So, I explain the home-game schedules, and how I eat at thestadium because it’s dinner time and I’m hungry, but then we get home, and Imake dinner for Christian because he’s hungry.

“I don’t want him to eat alone, and I feel weird havingsomething small after I’ve made him a complete dinner. Plus, with all the workit takes to make the meals he specifically enjoys using only the brands heexplicitly eats, I’m not about to let any of it go to waste.”

“Hmm.”

“That’s it? Just…hmm?”

“I’m not exactly sure what you want me to say. We all haveour quirks, schedules, routines, and what have you. And while, yes, Christian’sseem to require a little more work and understanding, they’re not so wild thatthey’re ruining your life.” She pauses to laugh a little. “But I don’t thinkthis was really the issue you were talking about. You’re upset because you wereexcited to leave St. Louis.”

“Yup.”

“To be fair, you were having your own personal crisis andwere trying not to burden your husband with it.”

“Exactly. He’s having such a great season that I don’t wantto bring him down or break his focus.”

“And I get that, but…you’re wrong.”

“Excuse me?”

“You’re wrong, Ella. If you don’t tell Christian what isgoing on and what you’re feeling, then you’re essentially lying to him. The manis walking around thinking you guys are living a fairy tale, when the realityis, you’re not. You’re miserable, and he has no idea.”

“Okay, but to be fair, he’s not making memiserable. I love Christian more than I ever thought a person could lovesomeone. Our relationship is strong, but…”

“The careers are the issue.”