Page 14 of Keel

She popped up off the couch and ran to the door, pulling it open. “I’m fine.”

“I heard a scream and worried that…”

He didn’t say the words, but she knew he meant Forest. “No. Just me screaming in frustration. I was reading, and the pressure just got to me.”

“Oh, yeah. I did that at one point, but I was out in the open, and no one was around.”

“Sorry to worry you.”

“I’m happy to help.”

She glanced back into the room and then back at him. “Want to come in? I know this sounds stupid, but I want to talk it out.”

“Not stupid.” Keel reached over and shut his door, then stepped into her place. “I’ll sit over here.”

She took a seat on the couch, pulled her legs up, and wrapped her arms around them, resting her head on her knees. That night played through her mind, coming home, flouncing upstairs. She had to say it out loud.

“I had volleyball practice and came home late. I’d stopped with my friends to grab a ninety-nine-cent pack of chicken nuggets. It wasn’t much, and I wanted more food when I got home. I was expecting food to be cooking, but Mom said there was something wrong with the oven. She offered to make a sandwich, but I was annoyed and just grabbed a slice of cheese before rushing upstairs. I was angry and wasn’t very nice. I didn’t slam the door, but I didn’t shut it quietly. It was the last time I saw my mom, and I was angry at her.”

Keel didn’t say anything. He didn’t judge her, either, just sat patiently listening. The only people she’d told this story to, well, not all of it, but half of it, were the police. They didn’t know that she was angry with her mom, or that she’d been rude before going upstairs.

“I ate the cheese, then fell asleep. I was tired from practice. I should have stayed up and done homework or gone downstairs and talked to my mom, but I dropped into bed and ignored them. I woke after midnight, starving, and went down to cook something. I turned on the stove to warm the pan. There wasn’t even any oil in it. Then I went to the restroom and pulled up socials. I swear I wasn’t in there that long, but it was long enough to start a fire. The fire was everywhere.”

Keel sat forward and held up a hand. “Wait, I don’t understand how the fire started if there wasn’t any fuel in the pan.”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. They told me something, but I was so upset after they accused me of starting the fire and killing them that I didn’t hear anything. I was wrapped up in my mind, trying to come to terms with the fact I’d killed my parents.”

“Cops do that sometimes. Not good cops, but you never know.”

“It screwed me up. They yelled at me, told me it was my fault. It was my fault. I knew it was my fault.”

Keel shook his head, and she turned away, unable to face his acceptance. How could he accept her? She didn’t deserve goodness or hope or anything. Her parents were dead.

Then Keel was kneeling in front of her, his hands on her legs. His gray eyes were full of compassion. She didn’t know men could be compassionate and caring.

“How can you do this?” Her question came out as a whisper.

The space between his eyebrows creased. “What?”

“Be caring. How can you care about me? No man has ever cared about me. I don’t deserve it.”

He was on the couch in seconds, and pulled her in his lap, his arms were around her, holding her close. All the pain, the sadness, the torture of her existence hit at once. She’d lost herself that night, lost her soul, her heart, her everything. After that, it had been pretend.

Everything had been pretend. She’d pretended her way through university. The degree was real, and her grades had been great, but that had been easy. The hard part was dealing with people and their questions. Books didn’t care that inside she was a broken shell, a doll at best, just waiting for someone to use her like how she used to play with her dolls.

When Keel had been at his lowest, he’d been pulled back from the brink of ruin not only by his own will, but because of Juno, a guy he served with had given him quiet acceptance. He thought he’d been the only person out in the wilderness when he lost it, but Juno had been there and found him.

Juno had held him as he cried and screamed. Juno had guided him through the worst of it. The moment he went from blaming himself for everything to accepting that he’d made some bad decisions, but he didn’t need to keep ruining his life because of those decisions. Keel eventually accepted that he couldn’t keep punishing himself. He had to move past the blame and self-hate. Juno had been there when he’d finally realized that ending it all wouldn’t make anything better.

It hurt to think about how bad off he’d been. The thought of destroying himself had been on his mind for a while, but he hadn’t gone through with it. And that night, he realized he didn’t want to go through with it.

“On my darkest night, I had a friend who held me. Juno. He didn’t condemn me. I spilled everything, and he listened. It turned dark, real dark. After that night, I realized I could rebuild. I know it’s hard, and you’re going through it. But you are strong enough to rebuild your life and make it what you want.”

“Am I?”

“You are. You left. You stopped drinking, you got out.”

She snorted and shook her head. “I feel like he could easily draw me back in. Where am I going to go when my grandmother kicks me out of here? I shouldn’t…”