Page 43 of The Wilder Widows

“Before you bolt out of here to live a life devoid of all pleasure, just hear us out.” Sylvie’s serious expression startled me. For the first time since we landed, I realized they weren’t just teasing me. This wasn’t just a long, drawn-out embarrassing prank. They truly wanted to see me experience this.

“Why is this so important? I can’t imagine that having a hootie is really going to change my life.”

All three sets of eyes widened in response, and three heads tipped up and down at me.

Alice squeezed her eyes tight, opening them and letting her intense gaze penetrate mine. “Wars are fought over hooties, Doris. Marriages crumble, and careers destroyed all for hooties. People die for hooties, Doris. There’s a reason for that.”

“I’d die for another hootie from Roxy.”

“I’m not leaving here without at least a few new toys. I need me a hootie, too.” Sylvie smiled and plucked a plastic box from the shelf beside me. “Look, Doris. This one is a rabbit. You love rabbits!”

The strange-looking contraption resembled a bunny at first, but when I looked at it closer, I saw the phallic shape and knew what it was intended for. “Geez Louise! That’s obscene!” I looked at it again. “And huge! Are they supposed to be that big?”

“Just like men, they come in all different sizes, sweetie.” Alice pulled a smaller one from the shelf. “See, this one is a cute dolphin. And it’s waterproof, which means bath time fun!”

I loved bubble baths, and now the thought of a dolphin sex-toy would forever haunt my me-time. “What does it even do?” I asked, not seeing the same recognizable phallic shape in this one.

“This one isn’t for inside. It’s for outside. It vibrates against your–”

“Okay! That’s enough. I’ve heard enough.”

“This would be a great one to start with, though.” Sylvie tried to shove it in my hands.

“I’m not starting anything. I can’t. I’m sorry. I know you all think I need to have a hootie, and it will change my life, but it’s just not going to happen. I had sex enough times with Harold; if I was capable of one, I’m sure it would have happened. Maybe it did happen, and I just didn’t notice!”

All three heads shook violently at me.

“You would know,” Sylvie said.

“But maybe it—”

“You would definitely know.” Alice laughed.

“Well, maybe I’m missing something down there, and I’m not even capable of having a hootie.” Confident in my conclusion, I crossed my arms and gave them a stiff glance.

“Unless you are some strange medical marvel, you have the parts necessary for a hootie.” Marge snickered.

Alice nudged Marge with an elbow. “Marge, you’re the lesbo. Why don’t you take a look? Pop the old hood and have a peek around to make sure all her parts are where they’re supposed to be.”

Marge and I answered with mirrored glowers.

“No one is looking down at my lady bits! I think I’m ready to go.”

“Alright, alright,” Alice submitted. “We tried. We’ll stop now.”

“Thank the good Lord,” I said on a sigh.

“But you really are missing out.” Sylvie pulled the dolphin toy from Alice’s hands and tucked it under her elbow. “I’m taking this one with me.”

“Good choice. I have it in pink and blue,” Alice added.

“So, can we go now?” Shifting my weight, I looked to the door.

“Well, we can go, Doris, but we still need to figure out what your Wilder Widows wish is if you aren’t going to have a hootie. A wild wish.”

“I’ve never done anything wild in my life.” I sighed. “I don’t think I have it in me.”

“Never? You’ve never done anything wild?” Marge scowled and shook her head. “That’s even more reason to make sure you do something crazy.”