Page 88 of Make it a Double

Hell, maybe leaving was the stupid thing to do after all, because seeing her standing at my dresser with the towel at her feet had me cursing myself.

I ran my hand over my jaw, letting the sharp stubble grate against my skin. The pain wasn’t enough to give her the privacy she deserved, and drag my gaze away. Instead, I looked my fill, blowing out a sharp breath before muttering, “What’re you doing, Sawyer?”

She turned to look at me over her shoulder, jaw set in that stubbornly defiant way I loved. “Getting clothes,” she clipped, tilting her head to the side. “What’re you doing, Beckett?”

Her question was more of a challenge. She knew what I was doing and wanted to test me. To see if I would break. And goddammit, I wanted to. I wasn’t this strong. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t look away. The warm, muted light from the lamp behind her cast a soft halo around her frame. She was like an angel—if angels were sent to Earth to torture men like me.

“You’re killing me,” I said, voice rough with need. “God, I⁠—”

“Please don’t say shit you don’t mean,” she said, opening the drawer and pulling out a pair of my boxers and a t-shirt. “I get that my body has changed, and I don’t look like I did before.”

My head jerked up at her words. “What? No, Sawyer. That’s not it at all.”

“Then what is it?” she asked, wrapping herself up to shield her body. “Why won’t you do anything else other than kiss me, even when I literally fucking beg for more?”

I was across the room in three strides. She stepped back, and I followed until her ass hit the dresser and she had no way to escape.“What is it?” I echoed through clenched teeth. My eyes went lower, taking in the rise and fall of her heavy breasts, as I leaned forward and braced my hands behind her. “I’m fucking terrified of losing you, Sawyer.”

Sawyer blinked, drawing her brows in tightly. “What?”

Bringing my hand up, I cupped the back of her neck. I could feel her body tremble as my thumb swept across her jaw. “I haven’t pushed things with you because I am so goddamn scared of accidentally hurting you in some way. Or sending you into preterm labor before our baby’s lungs have developed. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if something happened to either of you.”

Her bottom lip wavered. “But the doctor⁠—”

“I know what the doctor said. She also told us to be careful, and that is all I’ve been able to focus on over the past few weeks.” I paused, licking my lips to buy me some time. “Ever since you were diagnosed, I’ve had nightmares. Terrible ones. I just keep seeing your face and you look so fucking scared. The baby isn’t ready. You aren’t ready. But it doesn’t matter. He has to come out now,” my voice broke. “And then, every time, you look at me and scream for me to do something, anything, to keep our baby safe. Even if it means losing you. And how could I do that, Sawyer? How could I possibly choose one over the other? Especially when losing you would mean losing my fucking everything.”

“Baby,” she breathed, bringing her hands up to cup my face. I hadn’t realized a tear had fallen until she wiped it away. “I’m so sorry you’ve been dealing with that alone. I wished I’d known.”

I shook my head. Telling her had never been my intention. She shouldn’t have to worry about me on top of everything else in her life. It would’ve been too much to burden her with. “I didn’t want to say anything because they were just dreams.”

“But they were real enough, and that’s what matters.” She pressed a kiss to my jaw, and I relished the contact. “I don’t want you to keep these things from me. Especially if they’re weighing this heavy on you.”

“I just⁠—”

She pressed her finger to my lips. “Shh… Don’t say anything for a minute.” Then she dragged it down my chest, grabbing my hand and placing it on her stomach. I loved touching her like this. It grounded me when the noise in my head was too great. Her hand covered mine as her belly twitched beneath us. “We’re okay. Everything’s okay.”

My head fell against her own as I sucked in a ragged breath. I counted the kicks, letting his movement reassure me that Sawyer was right.

They were okay. They were safe. They were here.

Some part of me was ashamed I hadn’t said anything earlier. How long had she gone around thinking she wasn’t desirable? God. I hated knowing that’d ever crossed her mind when it was the furthest thing from the truth. I struggled to keep my hands to myself, fighting with every primal urge inside me not to lay her down on this bed until I made it abundantly clear how much she meant to me.

I rolled my forehead against hers, letting out a low groan. “Fuck it,” I whispered, capturing her mouth with mine. I ran my hand up, rolling her hard nipples between my fingers until she was panting at the touch.

“Beckett,” she whispered, letting her head fall back as I peppered her neck with wet kisses. “I can’t go down this road again if you aren’t willing to give me something.” Nipping her shoulder, I pulled back. Her eyes were glazed over, only a sliver of green to be found.

“Get on the bed,” I ordered, jerking my chin toward the center of the room. “I have an idea.”

Sawyer didn’t need to be told twice, slipping from my grip and perching herself at the edge of the bed as I made my way to the closet. Opening the door, I homed in on the small bag at the top and grabbed it.

I had no good reason as to why I bought the thing. Maybe it was just a moment of weakness, or keen consideration of Sawyer’s needs, but as I pulled the black wand from its sleeve, I relished the way her lips parted.

“Oh,” she breathed. Her legs drew tight as she struggled to sit still.

My fears hadn’t completely gone away. They’d likely keep me company until Sawyer’s pregnancy was over and our baby boy was safe in our arms.

But this?

This I could give her.