Page 74 of Love Lessons

Landon shook his head. He couldn’t figure out how much of his hopelessness and exhaustion was from the subdrop and how much was from the situation. All he knew was that he felt shitty.

Alright, so friends don’t let friends go through subdrop alone. What were your plans for today?

I have a lot of work, but I probably can’t concentrate like this. And I was supposed to take my niece-nephews to the science museum. Having a gender-neutral word for his siblings’ kids was one of the things that Landon loved about ASL. I don’t know if I’ll be up for it, though.

The science museum? Ash's face glowed with wonder and Landon got a hint of what they might look like when they regressed in age play. It was kind of adorable.

Come on. Finish your omelet and then we’ll get the kids and go to the science museum. I can even corral them if they get to be too much for you. No more thinking today.

That sounded a lot better than moping around on his own all day, but… You don’t have to do that. Just listening to me was really nice, actually.

Thanks, but I think you have it backward. If you’re going to the science museum, I think you owe me a trip in return for saving you from the dementors.

Landon found himself smiling again. Not the fake grins he’d put on this morning, but actually smiling. He’d known that Ash was fun, flirty, and funny, but he hadn’t realized that they could also be considerate and caring. Or maybe he just hadn’t been looking.

In that case, I’d be happy to take you.

Being at the science museum with Lola, Matt, and Ash was just perfect for cheering him up.

Ash let him babble on about how electricity worked and how Edison had wronged Tesla even after the kids had long since lost interest in favor of hopping on the light-up squares. And all four of them had great fun in the weird mirror and maze room, chasing each other around and, occasionally, letting Landon focus them on exploring how light refraction worked.

When they got to the baby chicks, Ash wrapped a friendly arm around him, and they stood there for nearly half an hour watching one of them hatch. As it turned out, platonic cuddling was pretty nice.

When the kids were eating horrible flat pizza and pretending their yogurt tubes were lizard tongues, Ash surprised him with a question. Do you think Dustin’s a Daddy?

Landon looked around, but he and Ash were signing, and the kids were pretending that their fingers could stick to the walls. That was kind of gross as far as the walls, but at least they weren’t licking them. Much.

Since they were distracted, Landon felt like he could answer. Except that he didn’t really know how to answer. That word could mean so many things, and until last night he hadn’t thought much about it. You would know better than I would.

Ash gave him a look and he cringed. Alright, maybe he already knew the answer to the question. Can you… I think I’d like to hear what you think. I know a lot of people who identify as Daddies, but I never really paid that much attention beyond the basics to explain it to newbies. It looks much easier when people already have it figured out.

And you’re used to having the answers. Ash's eyes were compassionate.

I’m used to having the answers. But I don’t have a clue right now.

You said that he wanted to keep track of you and take care of you. It sounds like he likes the idea of at least playing with control outside of the bedroom and giving you structure, relaxation, and sex. That sounds like a Daddy, even though the sex isn’t a necessary part of it.

Landon nodded. He knew this, at least technically. It had just seemed too enormous to hold.

So the next question is, do you want a Daddy? Don’t even worry about the age play for now, unless you want to, but could you see yourself in a relationship like that?

This was the heart of it. The place where he kept getting stuck. Every moment with Dustin had felt gloriously right. Like Dustin had reached inside him and brought every need and insecurity and desire into the light. And then wrapped them in soft silks and held them close.

But that made it terrifying, too. It was an awful lot of trust and dependence to have on someone. Someone who could walk away. Or just not fit. Someone who he’d wake up beside in a few months wondering how they’d gotten there and what they’ve ever seen in each other in the first place.

It was also disconcerting to discover this whole new side of himself at the age of thirty-two. He’d thought that his days of exploration had ended after he’d made the rounds in kink and dating. Who was Dustin to toss this whole new kink at him, like a hot coal, without any warning?

There was something just… unbelievable about it. Like he would wake up one day and find that it had all been a dream.

He haltingly tried to explain all of this to Ash, appreciating their patience and understanding even more as he babbled through his confusion.

In the middle, the kids got bored and Ash directed everyone to the playground just outside the cafeteria. Landon usually felt like the playground was kind of a waste of time when they could be inside doing science, but today it was perfect.

Ash took in all of his rambling, thought about it, and finally spoke. It sounds to me like you enjoyed having a Daddy, inside the bedroom and outside, but you’re not sure if it’s sustainable as either a lifestyle choice or with someone you’ve only met a few times. Is that about right?

God, Ash was brilliant. How had they cut through all of that knotty clutter in his mind so easily? I guess so.

So a logical next step might be to get to know Dustin better and keep trying it to see if it works. Then you’ll either know that it’s what you want, negotiate something that works for you, or realize that you’re not a good match.