Page 75 of Love Lessons

Landon felt tears stinging his eyes and quickly wiped them away so the kids wouldn’t see. He doesn’t want me now, though. He wanted me before, but I messed it all up.

He doesn’t want you to flirt with other people in front of him and not take him seriously. It’s not an unreasonable request from people who identify as monogamous.

Landon didn’t know what to say. It would have been so easy to just spend the morning with Dustin, maybe even stay home from the munch entirely. So what the fuck had he been thinking?

You don’t know why you did it, do you? Ash's face held fond exasperation.

No… Do you?

I have three theories. I think you do it to protect yourself from getting too attached and getting hurt. I also think that you enjoy making people happy, and sometimes you do it out of habit, or without meaning it, but you don’t really distinguish between them because you’re never expecting more than a single scene with anyone. And I think you might have been hoping that Dustin would stop you.

I… How did you even know that?

I’m observant. And I like watching you. Ash said it plainly, the way they might have said that they liked coffee or bright colors, but there was an unexpected light behind their eyes.

Landon felt himself blushing and his heart picked up a little bit. Ash liked watching him? What do you mean?

You shine. You’re beautiful in the way that you’re confident and outgoing. And it means a lot to me to see you embrace whatever gender you’re in, because it makes me feel more confident about my gender, too. I also find you attractive. That whole “do I want to be you or do you?” thing. Ash shrugged, downplaying the whole thing.

So why didn’t you ever say anything about it? We flirt all the time. I would have hooked up with you. Ash was gorgeous, and he’d always felt a little chemistry with them. But to know that they’d been watching him for a while… It was a different kind of warmth from the way Dustin made him feel, a soft, comforting glow instead of a raging fire. It was also a really weird thing to think about while trying to figure out how he felt about Dustin.

Ash offered a mysterious smile. I’m not interested in hook-ups.

Landon pretended to bang his head against the monkey bars. Dustin doesn’t want hook-ups either. Is there something wrong with me?

Nope. And I think you know this in your head, but maybe not inside. It’s alright to have hook-ups. And it’s alright to be in relationships. And it’s alright to be in a relationship and have hook-ups at the same time, if you’re poly and everyone communicates a lot and agrees on it.

Landon rubbed his head. This is too many choices right now.

Alright, let’s make this simple. Do you want a relationship with Dustin?

I don’t even know. I mean, I do. But I have, like, a three-month curse. He laughed, but it wasn’t funny.

Ash didn’t laugh, their face showing only empathy. What does that mean?

I used to date a lot. All through college and most of my twenties. I must have had a dozen relationships that I thought would really work out. But about three months in, every time, it would fall apart.

Why?

God, all the reasons. Sometimes I was too clingy and moved too fast. Sometimes we fought. Apparently I’m too pushy? Two different guys cheated on me, which like, isn’t a problem if you’re just messing around, but they said that we were exclusive. Some of them got bored with me, I guess, and just checked out. I had one relationship that technically lasted six months, but only because it was mostly long distance and we broke up once he got back.

Landon thought back. There were more.

Did you want a longer relationship, though?

Landon blew out his breath. I mean, I did at the time. I guess I still do. But like… Dustin and I met three months ago, and we’ve barely spent any time together and I already fucked it up.

Ash pulled him in for another hug. Landon let himself be held for a moment, sinking into Ash’s warmth. It didn’t fix everything, but it sure felt a lot better.

Eventually he figured he should check on the kids and maybe not hug for so long, so he pulled back. Lola was swinging from the monkey bars and Matt was lining up leaves on a park bench.

Ash rubbed his shoulder. Thanks for sharing that. I have no idea why they weren’t interested in you, but let’s assume for a minute that they were all assholes who didn’t know a good thing when they had it. And let’s assume that Dustin is crazy about you, which is what he said, and can break the three-month curse. So, do you want a relationship with him?

Landon let himself really consider it for the first time. I… I don’t even know. I feel like when I’m with him it’s this slice out of my real life.

In a good way?

Yeah, he finally admitted with a smile that momentarily cut through the lingering sadness. It’s kind of magical being with him. I’ve just been scared of getting used to it.