Page 49 of After Care

Can’t. Have plans with kids.

As a family, we’d had difficulty scheduling all the things we’d wanted to do in Hawaii in a timely manner. The kids had each been allowed to pick an activity as their Christmas present on top of the trip. With only three days left in our vacation, today was our snorkeling and sea turtle swimming excursion. Masie picked this activity. Caleb wanted surfing, which we couldn’t get scheduled until the day before our last.

There was no response after that text, and the empty messenger app stared at me, hollowing my heart. I hated the feeling. It was the very reason I hadn’t dated much before. Dating led to heartbreak, I told myself. At my age, there were just too many unknowns with someone new. I wanted the history of someone when there was none. I had no interest in playing head games. I’d done it already in my marriage. For twenty years, actually.

I’d had my own meltdowns over the days Tommy and I had been together, but I honestly didn’t think this was a big deal. I couldn’t be pregnant, I told myself. At forty-three, I’m too old. I tried not to think of special cases I’d read about, and those tabloid ruses of women in their fifties having babies. It just didn’t seem like a strong possibility. I was upset with Tommy, but I couldn’t fault him his fear. Possibly pregnant, and with a virtual stranger, did sound a bit frightening.

I willed myself to keep my head in the day with my kids. Masie was so excited, and she squealed with each sea turtle we passed, reminding me that she was still a kid at heart—on the verge of womanhood, but not quite there yet. Caleb was convinced he’d seen a shark, and that was my cue to get out of the water. I watched them from the boat in wonder, relishing their joy at doing new things. I wanted the world for them—oysters and all that jazz.

Shortly after they returned to the tour boat, we saw a wonderful display of whale breeching and I remembered seeing one off the shore. Was that only a few days ago? How quickly the time had passed. How much had changed? In so many ways, I had changed. I wasn’t who I’d been when I arrived on this holiday. Tommy had changed me, and reminding myself of that fact calmed me.

I hadn’t been me in so long, I didn’t recognize myself when I looked in the mirror. When I smiled at my reflection after my time with Tommy, the tinges of a new me appeared, and a hint of the old me dusted off cobwebs. Where you been? That haunting image asked, and I wondered the same thing myself. I’d been waiting, I decided. Waiting for that explorer, returned from the sea with his new ways of thinking, to show me what he had discovered. Through sharing his learnings, I found me. I was drowning before, but now I could swim, or at least be brave enough to wallow in the shallow end. I wasn’t anxious to rush home and date, but I realized I needed to try and experiment more often. I deserved to take the risk. I didn’t want to be alone. In fact, I didn’t think I could be as alone as I’d been. I needed to get out more. However, my days and nights with Tommy were going to sustain me for quite a while, and I was all right with that thought.

We returned to shore and had dinner at a local restaurant known for their oversized burgers and fish tacos. Caleb was continuously texting but Masie remained quiet, as she had been most of the day. When we returned to the condo, Caleb went out almost immediately, while Masie opted to stay in.

“What’s going on?” I asked, standing behind the kitchen island as she scrolled the television channels.

“I just don’t feel like going anywhere.” She shrugged, her eyes focused on the mindless channel surfing.

“Masie, honey, what happened?” She slammed the remote on the couch and looked up at the ceiling.

“I’m such an idiot,” she blurted, closing her eyes and rolling her head on the back of the couch. My mouth opened to speak but she continued. “He thinks I’m a kid, and after getting drunk, I’m sure that confirmed it.”

“Did he call you a kid?” I assumed we were referring to West.

“Actually, he acted interested, but he kept his distance. One minute he came to share music and fell asleep holding me, and the next day it was like I had a disease. Then he wanted to watch a movie, but he didn’t even hold my hand. What am I, his little sister?”

“I certainly hope not,” I scoffed. West had definitely shown signs of a crush on my daughter.

“Did I say something at the concert?”

“Well, uhm, I’m not certain that matters…” My voice drifted, but my daughter eyed me in that way that demanded I speak. “You said he didn’t like you when he offered to bring you home.”

“And why didn’t he bring me home?” she said, exasperated. “Because he doesn’t like me. Not like me like me.”

I paused, knowing the ice was thin, but I had to risk cracking it.

“He didn’t bring you home because he realized if he left the bar with a drunk high school girl it would make the tabloids.” Masie sat forward and turned in my direction. Her mouth opened and closed. Then opened again. Then closed again.

“Did I say anything else?” Her voice lowered.

“You didn’t say anything else at the bar. But you cried in the car on the way home, asking me why he wouldn’t kiss you.”

“Ugh,” she shrieked, covering her face with both hands and falling over to bury her head in the cushions.

“Honey, have you talked to him about this?” Her head rolled in response, still face first in the cushions. “Why not?”

She sat up, her face red, and stared at me. “What is there to say? I haven’t spoken to him since that night. I’m too embarrassed.”

“It’s been practically two days,” I said, startled that she’d let so much time pass. “Has he not tried to call you…or text you?” It still astonished me that all kids did was text, never using their phones to make a physical call and hear a voice. I didn’t realize I’d been flipping mine, rolling it on the surface of the counter I stood behind as I spoke to Masie.

“He’s texted. He’s called. I just ignore them.”

“Don’t you think he might be worried about you?”

“I’m sure Caleb told him I puked my guts out and was hungover.” She rolled her eyes and fell back against the couch cushions.

“But to be fair to him, don’t you think you should call him and just let him hear it from you?” A slow trepidation filled me with my words. “Maybe he doesn’t know what to say? Maybe he does like you but he doesn’t know how to proceed, because you’re still in high school, or maybe because he’s a superstar?” I babbled, guilt slowly eating at me with each word spoken.