Page 76 of After Care

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We spent the rest of that night huddled under the blankets talking and kissing.

“Mmmm. You like that don’t you?” Tommy asked, as I stroked fingertips over his scratchy jaw and kissed his neck. My feet were tucked between his thighs and I moaned in response. Those scruffy cheeks brought me strange comfort and contentment warmed my insides.

“There are so many things we should talk about,” he said after another kiss, “but I just want to linger at your lips.” On this comment, I pulled back, the contented feeling cooling inside me a little.

“Like what?” My eyes searched his face, and my heart tip-toed toward my stomach. My emotions were on a rollercoaster, and I couldn’t get myself to settle into enjoying the ride.

“I want to know more about your marriage, but then again I don’t. I want to know what he did to make you the way you are, but then again I want to forget he had you first.” His fingers brushed over my hair and his eyes followed the motion.

“I’ll tell you anything you want to know.” His words were so sweet, my own voice struggled to speak.

“I don’t know if I want the answers,” he said, finally looking directly at me. My brows pinched, completely uncertain what he might ask. His mouth opened and then it closed.

“Sometimes, there are questions that don’t need an answer.” He returned to caressing my hair and curling his fingers around my ear. “You’re with me now, and that’s all I need to know.”

My brow pinched again, but his lips took mine, clearing away the discussion. More smog, I thought.

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The next night he said he had somewhere he wanted to show me. We drove through the early evening darkness and wound through forested roads. The lush coastline surprised me, as most of my limited impression of California included palm trees and sandy beaches, not open fields and conifers. Eventually we turned off the two-lane highway and crept up a narrow path through thick-trunked trees, pulling to a halt at the top of a cliff. Turning off the headlights, we were surrounded in darkness.

“Whoa.” I giggled at the severity of black around us.

“Give your eyes a second to adjust.” Tommy opened his door and came around to mine. Holding it open, he extended his hand and helped me step out of the car. I looked up at the night sky, and my breath hitched. Millions of stars dotted the heavens. Under the slightly cool evening air, the image looked magical. Tommy had rounded the car for the trunk and returned with a blanket. Spreading it before us, he guided me to sit between his legs.

We’d had a nice day. Late breakfast. Wine tasting. Lounging in the room. The time passed, lazy and pleasant.

“I love you,” he whispered at my ear and something in his voice made me turn.

“I love you,” I said back, keeping my voice quiet as if I’d disturb the peacefulness around us. He swallowed at the words and kissed me too briefly.

“You’ve lived in Chicago your whole life, right?” I nodded, but he continued. “Ever consider moving?”

I pulled back, startled by the question. “All the time,” I laughed. “It’s cold there in the winter.”

His eyes glinted despite the darkness, but something serious lingered in them.

“It is cold there, but I’m being serious. Ever think you’d move somewhere else?”

“I guess I hadn’t given it much thought.” I shrugged. Any Midwesterner considers moving during sub-zero temperatures. We joke about it during an April snowstorm, but seriously considering a move, that I hadn’t done. Then my brain tapped itself and reminded me not to lie, because I had contemplated it, for about sixty seconds. I allowed myself the impossible dream that Tommy Carrigan would want to transplant me to California.

“My job is in Chicago,” I blurted as if he could read those wayward thoughts. “Caleb is in Iowa, which is near enough, and Masie still has to graduate high school. I keep hoping she’ll stay close to home for college.” I did hope she’d be close, but she’d been leaning toward the West Coast. Her graduation was another reminder I’d be even more alone sooner rather than later.

“You mentioned that,” he said, massaging at the nape of my neck. “You know, essentially, you’ll be an empty nester.”

The thought made me feel old, and a little no-longer-needed, as if my purpose as a mother had ended. I nodded reflectively, remaining silent under the eerie quiet of the dark night.

“Does that make you sad, darlin’? You’re very quiet.”

I exhaled before I spoke, preparing to share more honesty with him. “I hadn’t ever considered I’d spend the middle years of my life alone. David said it would be the time we’d travel, see the world and have an adventure. He’d tease the kids that we’d be happy to see them leave us, so we could do what we wanted with our lives. But the truth was, we never had adventures to begin with. We didn’t have grand plans. I didn’t know where his comments stemmed from,” I paused, uncomfortable that I mentioned David so casually. “I never foresaw travel in my future. Hawaii was a once-in-a-lifetime trip.”

Tommy kissed my neck, and his smile lingered. “Yes, it was, darlin.’” He nipped my neck again. “But you aren’t alone.” The words caressed my skin, and I shivered. His arms wrapped around me, holding me tighter against his chest. We both looked up at the stars, wanting, wishing.

“California is a lovely place,” he sighed behind me, and his shoulders released a hidden tension I hadn’t sensed.

I smiled to myself. “Yes, it is.”