Page 49 of Midlife Crisis

“Yes. If he isn’t my kid, I’ll let it rest.”

Tommy stares off into the distance a moment before speaking again. “See that woman over there?” I look, assuming he’s implying Midge. “She wants to love you. Let her.”

“I want to open up to her, and that means sharing everything with her.”

“Like you did about being a rock star?” The hit hurts, but he’s right. I didn’t tell her outright because it isn’t who I am anymore. That life is in the past as Kit should be.

“I had my reasons,” I stammer.

“Let me guess. You wanted her to know you, not the fame, not the fortune.” He stops, and I snort. We both know I have no fortune left. I blew it all. Washed-up musician turns mechanic, that’s how the headlines read. The truth stings.

“Look, man. I loved you then. You were one of my best friends despite the drama with my sister. I tried to protect you both, but you were a train wreck together. In the end, I had to choose family first. My biological family. Kit was dying.” His voice pleads with me to understand, and I do. Brut holds the same loyalty to me as his younger sibling. It’s something I admired about Tommy and Kit but turning his back on me still stings. “I want to be friends again, if it’s possible. I want our girls to be friends because Midge makes Edie happy. I want her happy. I love her. Dude, can you imagine it? Love. Real love where she loves you back unconditionally? It’s why you didn’t tell her, right? I get it.” Tommy swipes a hand through his longer locks. “But this. This Lawson business isn’t going to prove anything. It’s going to be one more reminder of betrayal you feel from Kit.”

I wouldn’t feel betrayed if I knew the truth. I’d be able to let it rest.

“I don’t want any secrets from Midge. Help me out and I’ll let it go.”

Tommy looks off in the distance a second. “And what if he is yours? What then? You gonna provide for him? Take him from his home?”

“No.” My adamant tone makes Ava flinch in the swing, and I push her gentler. “Sorry, honey,” I mutter. Turning to Tommy, I continue. “I have no intention of taking away anything. I’ll give what I can, if it’s what he needs. If it’s what you want. I just want to meet him.”

Tommy sighs. “It’s Sunday.”

Sunday. Kit’s day to be home, sight unseen. My day to visit her grave. My routine to pass her house and watch the light where my son lives.

“You can get old Doc to do it, and you know it.”

“Fuck,” Tommy murmurs, his eyes closing. “Let me think about this.”

+ + +

I return to our sideline set-up where Ivy jostles a crying Granger, and Edie looks up at me.

“Tommy asked if you could help him with the girls for a few minutes.”

“Oh, yes. Of course.” She stands, sensing more than what I’ve asked. Thank goodness. I need a few minutes alone with Midge.

“I think I’ll go feed Granger in the car, turn on some air conditioning.” Ivy follows Edie’s hasty, awkward exit, and I sit behind Midge, spreading my legs around her while she sits outstretched on Edie’s blanket. I want to drag her someplace private, but I don’t want her to miss her son’s game even though I sense she isn’t following it.

“I’m gonna talk, baby,” I say in her ear, not touching her though my fingers itch to rub her arms. “And I hope you’ll just listen.”

She nods slightly, keeping her eyes focused forward on the ball field. Our position reminds me of our first meeting, and I wish I had a mirror to see her reflection, but I won’t pull her away from her child.

“I’m Hank Paige, drummer from Chrome Teardrops. We were the band who played with Kit Carrigan, Tommy’s sister, and the woman I thought might be the love of my life.”

Midge shivers, and I want to touch her, reassure her, but I can’t make this a public display.

“But what do I know of love, Midge? I was constantly drunk, sometimes strung out. Kit was my drug. She called, and I went. We fucked. We fought. It was a recipe for disaster. She shared herself with others, and I did the same. We were reckless. A train wreck as Tommy calls us.” I exhale. “I can’t change my past. I can’t erase it. I can’t erase her. She and the band were my life for almost two decades, and I loved her in my self-destructive way. And then, she got diagnosed with breast cancer. She dried up minus the pot for chemo. I spiraled down. I couldn’t imagine life without her or the band, and I lost them both. I already told you, I asked her to marry me too many times to count, and she always said no.” Midge’s head hangs lower, a hand rising to swipe at her cheek. Is she crying for me? I don’t want her pity. I want her understanding.

“Midge, I understand now why she always said no. I wasn’t responsible. I wasn’t solid. Did you know her first husband overdosed and died? Ivy’s father did that.” Midge twists her head to look at me, and I wipe the tear at the corner of her eye. “It scared Kit. Any other man who got too close might do the same thing, and I was so much like him. Drinking. Drugs. And then…”

I don’t know if I can finish, but I fear I’ll lose her if I don’t.

“And then she did something unthinkable. She lied. A major lie. A life-changing lie, and I just want the truth.” I kiss her shoulder because I need to connect with her somehow. “And a lie is unforgiveable sometimes. But please, forgive me for not telling you everything.

“I can admit I’m an alcoholic. I can say it easy enough, recognizing the truth about myself, but it’s an old stab wound to bare my history. Most of it I’m not proud of, and I don’t want you to see me in that light.”

“I don’t,” she says quickly. My head rests on her shoulder, relief creeping through me. “It’s just a lot to take in.”