Page 82 of Midlife Crisis

“Want to meet for a drink?”

“Yeah, but I need to take Liam to baseball first.” It’s my turn for carpool. I drive there, and another mom drives back. For one teeny-tiny moment, I curse my lack of freedom. I can’t do as I please because I’m a mother. Then recalling I am a mother, I curse my wanton behavior.

“I’ll come to you bearing gifts of wine,” Edie suggests. “We’ll make it a girls’ night in.”

An hour later, Edie arrives with Ivy. This isn’t exactly what I had in mind as the conflict in my heart involves the young woman’s mother. It’s not that I’m unhappy to see her, but I can’t speak as freely in front of Ivy about her mom. I mean no disrespect to the dead, but I can’t keep fighting her memory.

“Hey,” they say in unison, holding up wine bottles as I open the front door. For a moment, I sense a Bad Moms scene happening in my living, but then I realize this isn’t a PTA meeting. Following me to the kitchen, they each take a seat on the island stools, and I stand opposite them to pour our glasses.

“To friendship,” Ivy says.

“To love.” Edie winks.

We clink glasses, and while they sip, I drink. The whole glass goes down before I take a breath.

“Oh, boy,” Ivy whispers.

“What happened?” Edie exhales, watching me with knowing eyes. Ivy covers her mouth with loose fingers and stares at me.

“It’s Hank, isn’t it?” Edie’s eyes examine my face. “What did he do?”

Ivy’s eyes weigh on my cheek, almost as if she recognizes in me some distant agitation of her mother with the same man. I don’t know that I can speak what’s on my mind, and I remain silent a beat.

“It’s my mother, isn’t it?” Ivy’s delicate fingers fall to the counter. Her lids close a second, and I glance over at Edie. Immediately, Edie’s hand rubs her niece’s back. “No, honey. No.” When she looks up at me, she realizes she’s lying. I’m sorry, she mouths, understanding I needed her and not Ivy tonight. I open my mouth to speak but stop myself. Then try again.

“It isn’t your mother directly,” I begin. “It’s more Hank and his inability to let her go. I feel like I’m constantly measured up to her.” That isn’t exactly true. Kit was fabulous, famous, and disturbing in her relationship with Hank. I don’t want to be those things, but I can’t combat their reckless affairs.

“Don’t. Please don’t feel that way,” Ivy begs with water-filled eyes.

“I can’t help it. I don’t want to be jealous of them.” Second-guessing my statement, I retract. “Actually, I’m not. I don’t understand the scope of their relationship, but it sounds like it was unhealthy.” I can’t describe the trigger I seem to set off when I want sex with Hank. He somehow interprets it as that’s all I want and misses out on my feelings for him.

“It was.” Ivy nods. “My mother…she used him, abused him. She even wrote a song about it. She’d call him to get what she wanted from him physically or to get her high, and then throw him to the side. Yet he always came back to her.” My mouth hangs open at the abruptness of her words. “I’m not saying Hank was all innocent, though. Hank is a decent man but was so stupid when it came to my mom. It wasn’t like they had many secrets, either. She didn’t always have to tell me things for me to know what she was doing and how she treated him. It’s one reason I’m tough on Gage and refused to go out with him at first. I didn’t want that kind of relationship…one that fulfilled lust instead of love.”

“Don’t you think your mother loved him, though?” Kit had to have feelings for Hank. Why else would she have relied on him for almost two decades? I don’t believe she was so heartless. I can’t believe I’m having this conversation with her daughter, but I need to speak with someone. I’m losing my mind, and my heart, over this man.

“I believe she did, but she was so bitter about my dad taking his own life and leaving her behind with a toddler that she refused to attach herself to anyone permanently after that. She always said it was for the protection of Lawson and me, but how did it help us?” Ivy looks at Edie.

“Hank was in a rough spot,” I offer, suddenly defending him with uncertainty.

“But if she told him the truth, he might not have been.” Ivy’s faith in Hank endears me to her. She isn’t speaking ill of her mother; she’s just confused by her mother’s decisions.

“Did something happen?” Edie asks me hesitantly.

I chuckle humorlessly, preparing to laugh at myself because what else can I do. I don’t think I have any tears left. “I thought I was apologizing for hurting his feelings. Seducing him actually.” I pause, closing my eyes. “This is so embarrassing.” The comfort of Edie’s hand covers mine, and my lids flip open. Sympathy fills hers.

“I think I only confused the issue. He says he loves me, and I love him, but there is definitely something between us.”

“I’m sorry,” Ivy offers, and instantly, I’m asking why. “My mother messed him up. He wasn’t innocent in the games they played, but if she had committed to him, he wouldn’t have reacted as he did.”

He told me of the affairs they had. The one-night stands to spite the other. The late-night booty calls. The distance between them afterward. A thought comes to me, and I’m hesitant to ask. I’m afraid of the answer.

“Hank’s always asking me not to be afraid of him. Do you know…did something happen?” I swallow, concerned for the answer, feeling the roughness of his fingerprints on my wrists but knowing in my heart he would never hurt me.

“They were a violent couple, so to speak. My mother defined diva behind the scenes. It was one way to protect her heart and keep the band on track to the top of the charts. She’d yell at him, throw things at him. He’d throw things in response but never at her. There were rumors he hit her once, and Uncle Tommy lost his shit. It broke Hank, and my mother admitted it was all gossip. Honestly, Hank is just too soft for that. The media, Mom said. They want a story. She was diagnosed with cancer shortly after that, and a new focus began. She refused to let Hank near her, propagating an undertone of the forgotten story. I like to think she just wanted her immediate family close, but the band was her family just as much as blood was. She pulled into herself, holed up at her house, and only let Tommy and me take care of her needs. I never wanted to believe spite or jealousy forced Hank away but knowing the truth of Lawson proves what lengths my mother went to keep him at a distance.”

“You knew?” I question. Edie looks surprised as well.

“Like I said, we didn’t have many secrets between us. I loved my mother. She was all I had for years. Her and the band, but that doesn’t mean I agreed with everything she did.”