Page 45 of Restored Dreams

“We have so much to talk about,” she finally says, and I know she’s right. I know, this is it.

25

Letting go

[Lily]

I just need a second to recover. I don’t know where the moment of pure lust came from, but I somehow knew I needed it. I needed Brut inside me one more time because we didn’t part on good terms when he left me too soon the other morning. In my fantasy, we’d make love again before we said tearful, heartfelt goodbyes and parted ways one more time.

I don’t blame his early departure on him, but it still stung. My heart ripped open, and I cried as I picked up the lovemaking nest he’d made on the balcony. Washing the linens and packing my bags, I didn’t bother to wipe the tears streaming down my face. We couldn’t be over, yet we couldn’t begin again.

Lauren still stood between us. Now, more than ever.

Brut pulls out of me, and I feel the release trickle down my leg. Using my apron, I swipe at the drip and smooth down my skirt with shaky hands. Brut has picked up the scrap of material that was my thong but pockets it. I turn against the display case, using it to support my trembling legs as I watch Brut work at his belt buckle. He swipes a hand over his hair when he finishes and sheepishly looks up at me.

“I apologize. That was a bit rough.”

How could I tell him I liked it? I wanted it. One more time. I’ve felt so discombobulated since Saturday morning, and then all this stuff with Chopper.

“Let me get us something to drink,” I offer, knowing we’re going to need something strong for all the shit we need to share. I walk on quivering legs to the kitchen in the back of my bakery, looking in one of the upper cabinets for a bottle of Jim Bean Ester keeps for toasting special occasions. Brut has followed me and stands on one side of the stainless steel table in the center of the room. I should take him upstairs to my place because it would be more comfortable. But I’m worried if I do, I’ll never let him go, and I can’t take the heartbreak that will bring. My heart is already torn in two, and he’s going to hate me after this conversation.

I pour us each a quarter of the short glass and slide his to him. He stares at me, waiting, and I slam back the liquid courage.

“Where do you want to start?”

Brut looks away for a moment, his fingers wrapping around his glass but not lifting it to his lips.

“I never meant to hurt you,” he says, and my eyes close. This conversation is not the one I intended. Not again. It was twenty-two years ago. I was nineteen and horny, and the man I thought I loved didn’t love me enough to have sex with me. Instead, he had it with my sister. It’s over.

“Let’s start with Chopper instead,” I offer.

“Let’s start at the beginning,” he interjects. “I’d lost my scholarship. My father was an alcoholic, who gambled more than I knew, and then became too sick to work. I was hardly holding the garage together, so he wouldn’t lose it, and I was wildly mad about a girl I had no business touching.”

I stare at him, wide-eyed. My heart racing in my chest. I can’t hear this.

“You had so many dreams, Lily. You were larger than life. Larger than the life I had, and I knew I’d never be enough for you. You’d be my mom all over again.”

“What are you talking about?”

“My mom was so unhappy with my pop. She didn’t want to be a mechanic’s wife. She wanted something more. I always wanted more myself and then it all went to shit. I was shit. I drank too much and gave into something I had no business giving into.”

“Why didn’t you come to me?”

“And do what, Lil? Take your innocence in my anger that I was a loser, going nowhere, missing out on school and a different career, all to save my drunk father’s ass and a garage I wanted nothing to do with.”

“I’m sorry, Brut.” And I truly am. Brut has been a caregiver all his life from the hint of things he’s said the past week. His dad’s garage. His brother’s career. His son’s upbringing. Brut’s life has been taking care of others.

“What are you sorry for?”

“That I wasn’t enough for you. That whether you were a mechanic or not, a teacher or not, none of it made any difference to me. I was young and naïve, but I know who I loved.” My voice whines, and my hands clasp against my chest, trying to hold in the pounding of my heart. “I loved you, Brut, and you didn’t love me.” Tears fall, and I curse the traitors. I don’t want his sympathy.

“Lily.” There’s so much in my name, but not what I want to hear. I swallow, finished with our past. I need to change topics because the present lays before us.

“I never liked knowing I had a nephew so close who didn’t even know his family.”

“I’m his family,” Brut snaps, slamming a hand on the table. I flinch, taken aback by the sharpness to his tone, but his anger fuels me forward.

“When Lauren told me…my God, Brut, when she explained what happened, it killed me inside. Devastated me.” I pause, collecting my breath. “You are an amazing father. I see so much of you in him.” My voice softens. “I just thought he might need a female influence in his life once in a while.”