Page 87 of Silver Brewer

“Giant, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Why not?” his gruff question echoes through the phone.

“I appreciate the offer, but I don’t think adopting Finn is a solution. Or even a plan. I didn’t foresee sharing him. Selfishly, I saw a baby for only myself.” It’s true, but it’s not. I never envisioned being alone. I wanted love and marriage, a baby plus a husband. A family of my own. It all came together so differently in my dreams. I want Giant but not out of duress. Suggesting he adopt Finn feels like a scramble, grasping at loose ends to hold onto something falling apart.

“I don’t think this will work.” My voice drops even lower as I close my eyes.

“What won’t work?”

I don’t reply, a lump forming in my throat.

“Don’t do this,” he quietly pleads, sensing where I’m going with my comment. I swallow the lump clogging my airway as I prepare to do what I think is best under the circumstances. I walk back into the living room and sit across from Marcus. Wiggling my fingers, I reach out for his hand. I need support. I need to be strong.

Be brave. Be strong.

“I found a nanny. She’s young, but she’ll come to the condo, and my work is flexible enough that I can do most of it from home. Frank isn’t allowing me to travel, so this is covered.”

Marcus’s eyes open wide. He mouths, “What are you doing?” while I shake my head at him. I close my eyes, squeezing his hand.

“I love you,” Giant mutters, his voice rough and low, so low I can hardly hear him. I swallow again, the lump now the size of a boulder and choking me. My heart feels just as heavy.

“I love you both,” he says, and my breath hitches. Finn. He loves Finn?

“You’re the best thing to ever happen to me.” My voice cracks. “Along with Finn.” Finn comes first for me. He’ll always need to be first.

“So that’s it?” he whispers. “We can’t even discuss this.”

“I don’t see any other way.” Ask me to marry you. Ask me again to come live with you. Tell me everything will be okay. Don’t make it only about Finn, my son.

A shuddering breath releases with my thoughts. I’m doing what I think is best as Finn’s mother. Don’t form sudden attachments. I am attached, and I don’t want to lose him, though it’s a strong possibility. Giant’s grown attached to him as well, and a tear rolls down my cheek with the thought.

I refuse to look at Marcus even though he’s tugging my hand, begging me through the physical contact not to do what I’m doing.

“Goodbye, Giant,” I whisper.

“Bye, Cricket,” fills the line, and then he’s gone.

+ + +

“Tell me I did the right thing,” I say, still holding Marcus’s hand across my coffee table.

“Do you want me to tell you the truth?” he asks, jiggling Finn on his right thigh. Finn is almost six months old, and he’s grown so much in the three months I’ve had him. Holding his head up, pressed against Marcus’s belly, the miniature human being with his dark, trusting eyes is a marvel.

Did I do the right thing for you?

“Lie to me,” I mouth, tears clouding my eyes as I stare at my son.

“You did the right thing.” The lie hurts as much as the decision. For the past three months, Giant has come to see me every two or three weeks, and having him in my home has been amazing. He’s a great pseudo-dad, and my imagination ran away with me each weekend he was here, envisioning us as a family. But the more I imagined us together, the more unfair it seemed. We were on a one-way street, and we weren’t driving in the same direction. This—us together—only reinforced what I want deep down inside. I want love, marriage, and a baby in the baby carriage, along with happily ever after. I want it all with Giant while Giant has already had these things.

I don’t want a weekend-only father for Finn. I lied to him. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to share Finn with another person. My little man could use a male mentor in his life, but I couldn’t let it be someone coming and going. I want stability for Finn. Stability I didn’t have as a child after my dad died and Uncle Frank played father figure when it suited him. Owen needed someone consistently, too, and so will Finn.

After Giant’s one-time suggestion to move to Georgia, we never discussed the future again. I had all kinds of questions but didn’t ask them. Should I move away from Chicago? Did I want to keep selling real estate?

I’ve thought a lot about myself since I’ve had time off from work. What do I want for me now that I have Finn? Is real estate really my calling? Is motherhood the only thing that will define me? What about the next forty years of my life?

And when I am free of the adoption restrictions, what will I do about Giant and our long-distance relationship? Continue to travel once a month to see him with a small child? It doesn’t seem fair to anyone. We can’t keep playing part-time, weekend lovers…with a baby in the middle.

I want to adopt Finn. What was he thinking?