Page 88 of Silver Brewer

I didn’t ask. I don’t want to ask him to do something I know he can’t—live here. He’d hate it. He already told me as much, and as the owner and director of his company, he shouldn’t leave the brewery. And if I lose Finn, as today is hinting, there won’t be any Finn to adopt, which clears Giant of feeling any obligation or whatever he’s feeling to make this happen. I won’t tie Giant down. He’s the type of man to stick, but I don’t want him to be stuck. As much as he doesn’t admit it, he’s already been in that position. I don’t want to make concessions in my life as I’ve done with real estate and settling for a Hudson, and I can’t ask Giant to do the same. He wants an adventure with me, but what kind of adventure can I offer him—single mother compared to an empty nester? Another child when his are grown? He has grandchildren, for heaven’s sake. I had to make a choice, and for now, I choose me and Finn because I can’t lose Finn.

Which reminds me of this morning’s phone call from the adoption liaison. The birth mother has been found. The mediator assures me they can get the biological mother to sign off on Finn, but I’m on edge. She’s abandoned him, yet she has all the rights to him. It isn’t fair. It isn’t just. I could use Giant’s support, but I don’t want to involve him. I understand this makes me wishy-washy when I need to be firm. Stable. Reliable. Here for Finn.

“Can I tell you the truth now?” Marcus asks, interrupting my rambling thoughts. I haven’t been able to stay focused on any one thing over the past few months. “You look miserable.”

The tears fall in earnest at his comment, and I release his fingers to cover my face with my hands.

“I am,” I say into my palms, and Marcus shifts to sit next to me.

“Honey, I don’t understand. You love him. He loves you. Why didn’t you tell him?”

“I just…I don’t know what I want.” Another lie. “I don’t think I’m being fair to him by having him come here every other weekend, and right now, I need to prove stability. I need to show the system I’m the more stable choice.”

My personal life is under scrutiny, and the adoption liaison suggested I remove any thing not solid in my life. Giant is solid, but he’s not mine to keep, and the process doesn’t want to see a part-time lover, part-time father figure coming and going from Finn’s life.

“I thought Giant came willingly.”

“He did.”

“He washed your hair.” His voice softens, but I snap.

“Stop reminding me how he is one of the most romantic men I’ve ever met.” I can’t tell Marcus how one weekend when Giant was visiting, we struggled to get in my bathtub together, and he did it again. Then he curled me over the edge of the tub and took me from behind. The images in my head make me miss him already.

Marcus rolls his lips inward, staring back at me with wide eyes.

“I’m sorry,” I mutter, lowering my head again as the tears continue to fall.

“Listen to me. That man did not travel hundreds of miles every few weeks because he didn’t want to be with you. He had no reason to come here, Letty, other than you and this baby, which isn’t even his, and he just offered to adopt him.”

Marcus isn’t wrong, but I need to do what I think is best. I can’t have the liaison think I’m a flight risk or flighty with a long-distance relationship. I need to show I’m stable, concrete, and willing to stick for Finn.

What will I do if the system takes Finn from me?

Marcus held my hand to keep me steady in my resolve to end things with Giant. I know me. I was cracking under the tone of Giant’s voice, but I had to do the right thing.

“He wants you,” Marcus states. “He wants Finn. I don’t see the problem. He just offered to play daddy while you return to Mc-Hell-in.” Mc-Hell-in is our nickname for Mullen RE although Marcus doesn’t really dislike his job as my assistant.

“Play Daddy,” I remind him. “Not be a daddy.”

“Don’t play semantics with me,” Marcus warns, lifting an eyebrow. “He just offered to come stay for three months.”

“Three months, not forever.”

Marcus glares at me.

“And what if they take Finn from me?” I whisper. Marcus’s eyes soften. He knows the fear is real as he and his partner still haven’t been matched with a baby.

“Don’t think such negative things. Be brave. Be strong. Think positive thoughts.”

“If only it were that easy,” I say, swiping at the tears which continue to streak my cheeks. “I don’t want Giant to sacrifice for me, for Finn. I don’t want him to put his life on hold, especially under these new conditions. I can’t have a…a lover…living here. And say I do keep Finn, what happens after the next three months pass?”

“He washes your hair?” Marcus teases in question, but when I scowl at him, his expression turns stern. “Why do you have to question everything? That’s what love does, Ms. Pierson. Gives. Holds. Sacrifices.” He doesn’t need to remind me Hudson did none of these things. Four years with one man, and nothing. Four months with another, and everything. Love is a strange beast.

“When you’ve completed your six months,” he emphasizes with full confidence that I won’t lose Finn. “You get out of here,” he suggests, making it sound like a prison break. Like it’s just that easy to spring free. Quit the job. Sell my place. Move several states away.

“What do I do? Drop everything and go to Georgia. He hasn’t asked me to do that again, and I don’t know how to bring it up. I don’t want to suggest I move there if he doesn’t want that anymore. I don’t want to push him into something when he’s already done the marriage thing. He’s offering to come here to be nice because that’s the kind of man he is. He isn’t suggesting something long-term.” I sigh. “Besides, I have bigger concerns to consider right now.” I stare down at Finn on Marcus’s lap.

“Letty, just stop it. You don’t think he can love again? He’s told you he loves you. You don’t think he wants this baby? He just suggested he’d adopt him. Maybe it wasn’t on his radar a few months ago when you hiked a mountain and slept with him in a tent. I doubt you were on his meter stick until you suddenly were.”