Page 76 of Speak from the Heart

“She left.” Tricia’s eyes wander out the window and then shift like she can still see her driving away.

So that’s it.

Guess I won’t be seeing you around Emily Post of Chicago.

Guess not.

Only, dammit, I didn’t want it to end.

Then I recall her briefly telling me about the new position. The job she’s always wanted.

“I’m sorry, Jess.” My sister’s sympathetic tone does nothing for me. I sit on the couch and reach forward for the envelope. Even if I wanted privacy at this moment, I won’t get it. I open the flap of the envelope and remove the two pieces of paper inside. I unfold the pages and scan the brief letter.

Dear Jess –

Now isn’t enough.

I want more. You want less.

And I understand.

Your past. Katie’s future.

I don’t fit.

But like this old radio, you made it work when you wanted it to sing.

I’d like to hear the sounds we can make, not just today but tomorrow.

Someday perhaps.

In a garden of make-believe roses, I’d always pick you—the thorniest one—but also the most beautiful at heart.

XO, Emily

Dammit, I’d already told her I picked her. What did she miss?

The second paper was the list of things she needed finished with a card for the rental agent.

I’ve secured this company to rent Nana’s place in two weeks. Think you can fix the sink by then? I also have this list of other contractors although Sue and Joe will let them in. I hate to think of strangers in there, so perhaps you could check on the place once in a while.

I stare at the note. She’d taken care of everything minus the installation of the sink I’d ordered for her.

So efficient.

Only I’m not happy with her efficiency. She’s closed herself off. She’s left me.

“I think it’s time I move out,” I announce as I stare at the list of services she’s arranged. I’d never let strangers near her place.

“Why?” Tricia asks.

“I need to get back on my own two feet.” I finally look up at my sister, who has also been spending too much time at my mother’s place.

“Sure this doesn’t have to do with a certain someone?” she teases. “I mean, who wants a man who still lives with his mother at thirty-seven?” She huffs and gives me a dismissive wave.

“That certain someone told me about floating through her life, and I’ve realized I’ve been doing the same thing. I’ve been doing whatever is easiest instead of facing the challenges.” I glance at the radio before me.

“I know the feeling,” my sister whispers. “There’s a sick comfort in the familiar.”

I look up at her again, uncertain of her meaning. Unfortunately, I don’t have time to dissect my sister’s emotions today. I’m grappling with my own.

The pitter-patter of little feet draws both our attentions, and I shift to glance over the couch and watch Katie pad over to me. She holds her hand out in front of her as she walks as though she’s balancing something.

“Whatcha got there, Katie bug?” I say, choking on the nickname given to her by a woman no longer in our life.

“A ladybug.” Tricia answers for her, and I realize we all need to learn to adjust. We’ll need patience and guidance in how to encourage Katie to use her voice on her own instead of relying on us to speak for her.

“Emily said ladybugs are signs of good luck.” The unfamiliarity of my child’s voice, soft and quiet, still makes my heart zing in my chest.

“That’s right, baby,” I say although I have no idea if this is true.

“You can also make a wish on one,” Tricia adds, and I wonder how women know all this stuff.

“What would you wish for?” I ask as I reach out for Katie and tug her to me. She falls between my knees, leaning into my chest as she watches the red bug with black dots crawl over her wrist.

“I’d wish for Emily to stay,” Katie whispers. Tricia’s breath hitches in response.

“Me, too, baby girl.” I lean into her and kiss the side of her head. “Me, too.”