Page 45 of Fight from the Heart

“He cares so much about you. He’s excited you said yes,” she weakly defends, but I don’t know what to think.

“Okay, maybe we should just order the food and calm down a bit. I almost hate to suggest it, but I think we could all use a glass of wine,” Ethan says. Ironically, the elephant in the room is Jacob needs help, yet each of us feels the need for something to soothe our nerves. But Jacob’s alcohol issue is more than just nerves.

When the food arrives, Ella, Ethan, and I eat and discuss the city that never sleeps. Between shrimp fried rice, wontons, and eggrolls plus wine, I’m emotionally exhausted and food satisfied. Once we finish the second bottle of wine, I easily fall into bed. However, sometime during the night, I have a bed buddy. He slips up behind me, wraps an arm around me, and tugs me to his chest.

“Are you sleeping?” he asks, with a voice that sounds clearer than earlier.

“What do you want?” I mutter sleepily. Jacob nuzzles his nose into my nape, inhaling my skin just under my hairline.

“You’re too good for me, and I know that. I don’t deserve decent things in my life,” he says. “It’s why I don’t deserve you, angel. I don’t know what I did to have you in my life.” Then he huffs. “Actually, I know what I did. I crashed into a tree, made you miss your father’s death, and begged you to be my friend. I don’t want to lose you.”

I roll, shifting to my back, and Jacob scoots to my side. “You didn’t beg me to be your friend, and as your friend, you need help, Jacob.”

He sighs, falling to his back and staring up at the ceiling.

“What if you were more than a friend? What if you loved me like your family teased?”

How does he not see it wasn’t just innocent teasing? I am in love with him, but I’m not admitting my emotions tonight. Not with Mandi still an issue, and his drinking a major concern for me.

“If I loved you, I’d want you to love yourself enough to get help. Because I can’t just ask you to get the support you need. Like I told you earlier, you’re an adult, Jacob. You need to make your own choices for yourself.”

I’m not dismissing his choices, but I also can’t enable them either. I said I wouldn’t give him an ultimatum, and I’m not, but I can’t stand by and watch him keep drowning.

“Pretend you love me. Would you leave me if I didn’t stop drinking?” he questions, and I fight the urge to roll my eyes. I don’t have to pretend anything.

“Would you want me to go?”

Jacob remains looking at the ceiling. “I don’t ever want to lose you,” he quietly admits, and while my heart should soar at the confession, it’s longing for the emotion I want him to have. I want him to desire me.

“Then I guess you have things to think about,” I whisper in the dark.

“I always fuck things up. I’m the monster in my own story, destroying what I have that’s good.”

“What’s been good in your life that you destroyed? Mandi isn’t good for you, Jacob, and I’m not saying that because of how I feel. I’m saying it as a friend, as someone who cares about you. It’s not healthy to be with her. As for good things in your life, you have an amazing stepsister who loves you like blood.”

“I damaged her too,” Jacob says, still holding onto the guilt of the man who attacked her.

“That wasn’t your fault, and it’s another issue I think you should talk to someone about. Your hurts are like books stacked too high and inevitably going to tumble. You need the chapters of your life read and analyzed, not critiqued.”

“Aren’t they the same?” he questions, turning to look at me.

“I don’t think so, honey,” I say, softening my tone. “You need a hard look at your past and maybe the present, and learn to distinguish what’s noteworthy and what’s not, so you can have an amazing future.”

Jacob’s finger comes out to caress along my hairline. “How did I get you in my life?”

“By accident,” I say with a weak tease. Sometimes I’ve wondered if that accident was more than an accident but some kind of happenstance. Admittedly, it’d be strange to think my father sent this man to me in some fluke of the universe—a passing of the guard of sorts. I’d like to think my dad would never make love so complicated or give me a man so complex.

Jacob huffs without humor. “Would it be too much to ask you to wait for me, Lilac? Stick with me while I figure out my shit?”

As I’ve already spent years on him, what would be a little more time, but I’m tired of putting my life on hold for someone else. It’s not that Jacob is hopeless, but I’m the romantic who has held on to him. I guess I have things to think about as well. As I’m quiet too long, Jacob speaks again.

“Don’t give up on me, angel. Not yet.”

Chapter 17

Field Trips and Mind Games

[Jacob]