Page 27 of The Heart Remembers

The college-aged cousins will be leaving home soon. The high school kids will return to school, and Levi will go home. I don’t want to think about it, although I’ve been thinking of him all day. It was difficult to discourage talk of Derek earlier, especially with Daisy’s ears listening. She never liked him anyway, so she wasn’t too upset to learn we’d broken up. Mom just wanted more details, but I cut that off at each question asked.

Either way, it’s been a long day, and I’m enjoying a summer ale or two. It might be three as I’ve lost count once I see Kevin Mueller, a guy I went to high school with. Kevin was one of those mysterious boys who was a bit different in high school, but you knew one day, he’d be someone special. He’s grown into a very attractive man, and his sheepish grin could melt panties if mine weren’t already melting for someone else.

Kevin bought me a beer, and we stood near the counter doing that awkward small talk of shoving years into minutes, shortening family lives into sentences, and saying good, good every other second. By the time I return to the picnic table where my family sits, I’ve almost finished the beer he purchased for me.

“Old friend?” Levi mutters as he sits next to me. My cousin Maggie is babysitting AJ tonight. Levi’s leg presses into mine under the table, and it’s difficult to sit still, wanting to run my hand up his thigh or better yet, have his coasting up mine. I ache in a way I haven’t in years, and after the other night and restless dreams, I want another chance at Levi tasting me and me getting to taste him. So much was said last night, but I felt tense and distanced this morning while we ran together. I don’t want us to be separated before we officially leave, but time is passing quickly.

“He seems . . . friendly,” Levi adds. I follow Levi’s gaze as he watches Kevin. Kevin has a hand swiping through his rich dark hair while he’s looking in our direction but speaking to another girl.

“I went to high school with him. He was a bit of an outsider then, but he’s definitely changed.”

“Easy there, girl. You might have some drool right here.” Levi leans over to swipe the corner of my lips. “You should go out with him.”

The comment startles me and also pisses me off a little bit. I turn to face Levi. “Don’t do that.”

“Don’t what?” Levi asks, lifting his beer for a drink.

“Don’t try to set me up with other people.” It isn’t fair, considering I just broke up with Derek, and it hurts, considering Levi and I have been kissing and connecting this week. I pull my leg back from where it brushes his.

“I’m not. I’m just pointing out that he looks like he has a nice coat of hair and good teeth. It’s something you’d inspect before purchasing a horse.”

“Don’t be an ass,” I mock, my tone a little bitter at his sarcasm. However, Levi laughs good-naturedly and rubs a hand up my back, cupping his fingers around the nape of my neck and giving it a squeeze. Too quickly, he retracts his hand, returning it to curl around his mug of beer.

“Why are you being like this?” I whisper, tucking hair behind my ear.

“Like what?” he asks, keeping his eyes forward when I risk a glance at him.

“Like you want me to be with someone else.”

Slowly, Levi turns his head to face me. His eyes roam my body, making no effort to hide how he’s checking me out.

“I don’t. It’s just . . . why would you be with someone like me? I’m a single dad with messed up body parts and a not so great job. I have good teeth, but that’s about it.” He smiles wide to emphasize his point. “Even I don’t want to be with me.”

“Don’t say all that. AJ is amazing. Your leg is no big deal, and as for a job, then make a change. Quit and find something else.”

“Ah, easy for you to say, successful college girl.”

“Don’t put yourself down,” I warn him. I don’t like this self-deprecating attitude this evening, and I’m wondering where it’s coming from. We talked about his job this morning, and he sounds very unhappy with it. I understand job security, but Levi’s young, and IT is a very marketable skill. He could find another job anywhere. Would he consider moving here? It’s a question I’m afraid to even ponder.

“Not putting myself down,” Levi mutters. “Just stating some facts.”

I don’t like this right now, and I’ve just spent the day fighting my own self-deprecating thoughts about Derek and myself. I can’t listen to Levi speak poorly about himself.

“I’m getting another beer,” I say, struggling to untangle myself from the picnic table. Levi follows my retreat from the table, but I don’t look back at him. If he doesn’t want to be with me, he doesn’t need to push me onto someone else. However, that doesn’t make any sense, considering his words last night.

Here I stand before the woman I’ve held in my dreams, forcing away the nightmares.

In the next breath, though, he admitted he didn’t know what he wanted from me.

I’m already sipping my beer as I sway back to the table. Four is three too many, and the next thing I know, Levi is helping me into the house and up the stairs. I trip as my feet feel too heavy, and we tumble on the steps. Catching myself, I flip as best as I can, looking up at the ceiling while my lower back uncomfortably rests against the riser. My feet dangle several steps lower.

“Why didn’t he love me enough?” I mutter to the dark above my head.

“Oh, Katie girl. Let’s get you to bed,” Levi mutters beside me, and then he’s over me, trying to lift me under my armpits. I roll again, helping myself to stand with Levi as a guide at my back. We’re like three-legged partners, working our way awkwardly up the staircase, and I start to giggle at the thought. When we stand outside my bedroom door, my hand reaches for the knob, but I don’t open it. Instead, I rest my forehead against the wood.

“What’s wrong with me, Levi?” I mutter. Why didn’t Derek love me? I know Mom says perhaps he wasn’t the right one for me and not the other way around, but it’s hard to accept.

“You’re fucking perfect, sweet girl. It was all him, not you.”