Page 64 of Living at 40

Autumn sighs, rolling away from me to look up at the ceiling. “I can understand that.” She blinks. Does she understand? Everything I do, I do because of my girl. I want what’s best for Lorna despite wanting a little slice of happiness for myself.

Continuing to stare at Autumn, I consider something else. She deserves someone who can love her, someone who can commit everything to her. She deserves a man who can be by her side.

I hadn’t thought about it before, but maybe this is where all the baby business comes from. She wants a certain someone to center her life. She wants to give all the love inside her to someone special. However, loving a child isn’t the same as loving your soul mate. Lorna is my everything, but she isn’t a replacement for the other half of me.

“Loving my child isn’t the same as loving a partner.” My voice remains low, as if I’m imparting great wisdom. I need Autumn to understand that having a baby isn’t going to fill a hole in her.

“I know that,” Autumn states, an edge to her tone as her head rolls on the pillow and her eyes focus on me.

I should stop talking, but I can’t seem to stop myself. “A baby won’t replace a man in your life.”

“A man in my life?” Her eyes narrow; her voice turns edgier. “I thought that’s who you would be.”

Stroking up her arm with my knuckles, I hum in response, biting my own tongue. I want to be that for her, but suddenly, I’m not certain how that will work. We’ve discussed the calendar and haven’t come to any conclusions. Autumn needs someone present, and I’m going to be a distance from her.

We’ve discussed how Autumn didn’t really want to raise a baby on her own. She hasn’t been alone by choice. She’s been alone because she dated idiots. I don’t want to be one of those men who let her slip out of my hands, but I’m also not certain how I can keep her. It doesn’t feel fair to her.

Sadness weighs heavy on my shoulders, as I suddenly don’t know how to make us work.

25

[Autumn]

“So, what’s happening with Logan?” Anna asks as we sit in the nail salon getting late summer pedicures. In the interim of the two-week guys’ visit, Anna and Ben returned to Chicago to tackle the laborious task of packing up their belongings and moving their personal affects to the Lakeside house. Dozens of boxes, including pictures, mementos, and valuable items of their previous life, litter their future home. Their furniture is scheduled to arrive Saturday. They are keeping only the most sentimental pieces and parting with the rest. Their house in Chicago is under contract.

“Nothing’s happening with him.”

A man in my life? That’s who I thought you’d be.

I’d misunderstood everything. To my surprise, he hadn’t called since I left his place, despite his professions to date me. Unable to help myself, I’d called him. Three times. Then I wanted to kick my own ass. I swore I’d never do it again. I wouldn’t give in to the temptation to nurture. I only wanted to check on him and Lorna, but each time I called, it went to voicemail.

Hey, saw you called. Will call you later. Nothing followed his first and only text. No phone call occurred.

I hadn’t tried to call again. It had been eleven days and roughly twelve hours since we last spoke, and a thousand times a day, I’d check my phone or hover over his number before tossing the device to the side. Just once, I wanted a man who chased me. Who wanted me. Who wanted an us with me.

I had my answer to Logan’s commitment. Considering his situation with his daughter, my need to nurture was crawling under my skin. I fought the urge to contact him again because it’s what I do. I hover, sympathize, tug a man into my arms, and soothe him in my bed. Then I cook, clean, offer money, and lose my heart. Not that I really thought Logan would need all that from me. I was getting ahead of myself, but I recognized the signs and didn’t want to go down that path again.

Instead, I’d taken time to reflect on my rash decision to rush to his home and tell him my situation instead of just calling him.

I wasn’t pregnant.

Perhaps it was the reality check I needed. What was I thinking? Sleeping with Logan Anders in hopes to get pregnant—ha. He’s not the type of man I could ever walk away from without a deep scar. He’s my brother’s best friend whom I’ve always crushed on, and suddenly, he was in my bed—in my heart—even deeper than those younger years. I was an idiot.

Besides thinking we were made for each other as a teen, I couldn’t ever really explain why I crushed on Logan as much as I did. He was one of those men who you can’t put your finger on why exactly you like him so much. You just do. It was more than his sweet humor, his handsome looks, or his large heart, or perhaps, it was a combination of all three that made him feel like a gift in my life. His devotion to his daughter only added to his appeal. His determination to keep her. His sweet voice when he spoke to her.

I’d fallen even further down the rabbit hole of desire for him.

However, Logan and I are at different points in our lives, and I’d assumed too much. I fell for pretty words and bottomless promises. He said he didn’t want me with other men, but he wasn’t the man present with me. He said he wanted me, but he hadn’t called. I’d heard it all before, and I’d slowly come to accept I’d misinterpreted everything. Everything he’d said was out of sympathy for my condition.

I wasn’t pregnant.

He told me what I wanted to hear. He wanted to make babies with me. He wanted to try again. He wanted to date me. I was such a fool. He’d given me that elusive sausage from his college jest, and he’d been correct. I hadn’t been able to handle it.

“Are you going to see each other again?” Anna hesitantly asks, rolling her head on the massage chair beside mine to gaze over at me.

“I wanted to.” I blink up at the ceiling, willing away tears that had been falling for days as I admit the truth to my sister-in-law. “I really wanted to continue being with him somehow, but his silence speaks volumes. And I could never ask him to continue with the plan. I can’t ask for more from him with these new concerns for Lorna.”

Mason, Ben, and Anna kept me informed of Logan and Chloe’s issues. I only wish Logan had been reaching out to me instead. As for the plan, Anna already knows I got my period, and baby-making step one did not work.