Page 65 of Living at 40

“And you told him what happened?”

“I told him,” I remind her. She doesn’t know I went all crazy-ass and drove to Indianapolis to tell him of my fate. She doesn’t know I’d spent another night in his arms, giving in to his touch and taking his words for what I thought they were worth. I also didn’t have the heart to mention I’d tried repeatedly to get in contact with him. His silence spoke volumes.

“It just doesn’t seem like Logan. I saw how he looked at you. He couldn’t keep his eyes off you.” Her brows pinch as she questioned what I’ve already questioned. I didn’t understand what had happened.

“I guess he changed his mind.” To say I was disappointed would be an understatement.

“It has to be this thing with Chloe.” Anna nods to emphasize her thoughts.

“Maybe.”

I didn’t care for Chloe. We’d met on several occasions when she was Logan’s wife, and I never liked her. There wasn’t anything wrong with her. When she married Logan, they seemed like a good fit. They were the couple I’d always envisioned Logan and I being. The couple destined for one another because of size, shape, and silliness. However, Chloe changed after having Lorna. She lost weight, and her personality shifted. Everyone was convinced she was having an affair with her personal trainer. I didn’t wish for Logan to divorce her, but no one was surprised when they did separate. His devotion to his daughter kept him near his ex-wife, establishing a friendship with her that seems rare among divorced couples. Chloe’s desire to move to France and take Lorna with her really rocked their relationship.

I didn’t want to be selfish. His daughter was at stake. He had bigger issues than dating me, and I didn’t want to bother him. Still, I wanted to call. I wanted to know if he was okay, how was he handling things, or if he just wanted to talk. Apparently, he didn’t.

“You should call him,” Anna states as if reading my thoughts. “He could use a friend.”

Friends. I scoff. Logan and I could never be friends again. I was the tagalong sister coming and going here and there with Ben’s tight-knit group. I was an outsider, and I was feeling my position. And I couldn’t go backward. I couldn’t pretend I hadn’t felt more for him.

Our two-week commitment was finished. The bargain broken. I hadn’t gotten pregnant. I’d made the misstep to rush to Logan with my news. Was I pregnant or not? He only wanted to know the facts. I wasn’t. Despite pretty words to try again, we wouldn’t. In time, we’d act like we never slept together.

As the only man on my so-called baby-making list, the list was now empty. I was as alone as I’d been before Logan. Maybe even more lonely as I’d had a taste of what I thought would be a good thing, only to have it be just sex.

Wasn’t that what I’d asked of him? Oh, the irony.

“I don’t know what I’d say.” I really should call one more time and ask about Lorna. She must feel torn between parents, and that had to be difficult. The thought reminds me how fortunate I was that my parents loved one another and gave Ben and myself an example of a hardworking, devoted couple. It wasn’t always easy for them, but their love always shone through. Ben had been lucky to replicate that kind of relationship. I wanted the same thing for myself.

“Logan really isn’t like the rest of them.” Anna gives me a knowing look as if she can read my thoughts. I consider the crazy physical connection between the two of us and this strange disconnect we have now that our vacation tryst is over. Perhaps chemistry was all we had, and we lack the deeper attraction needed to sustain a relationship. Or maybe I just don’t warrant that type of commitment from a man.

“Do I really know that?” I question. “I went along with this crazy scheme and then built up a fantasy in my head.” I believed what Logan said to me when he was only trying to be nice. I wasn’t pregnant and I was sad. He comforted me. He wrapped me in his arms and said what I wanted to hear. I took it to heart. This was all on me.

“I’ll just move down the list,” I flippantly state, finding no conviction in my tone.

Anna’s eyes widen. She doesn’t believe me either. “You don’t mean that. You didn’t even have a list.” Her sassy tone suggests she hopes I don’t continue this phase, as Ben crudely called it.

“Who would even be next?” Her breath hitches as if she has an idea, and then her eyes narrow as if she doesn’t like it.

“Not Mason,” I scoff while Anna stares at me. “I was thinking Archer might be a candidate.” I burst into laughter after suggesting her older brother, and Anna lifts the nail polish bottle from the tray, acting as if she’ll pitch it at my head, which she’d never do.

“Very not funny.” She snorts. “I’d have to know where my wayward brother even is to endorse him, which I don’t. He’d make a terrible father.”

“Ah, but that’s the point. I don’t need a father. I just need a stud.” I wink at her, and she laughs again. The truth hurts. The plan started because I only wanted a baby, not a man. I didn’t think I’d want a dad for my child, just a father to produce a baby. My heart aches at the conflict within me.

“You don’t really feel that way, though, do you?” Anna softens her voice, knowing me well. Like I’ve often said, she’s the sister I never had, which gives her the right to sometimes be a pain in the ass.

“No. I don’t.” My voice lowers. Despite the live-in boyfriends, I’m a traditionalist at heart, and I want to be married someday. I want a man by my side, and I want a baby in my arms. Neither is in the cards for me yet, and I’m tired of wallowing over it.

“Enough about me. How is Ben? How is the packing and unpacking and moving?”

Anna sighs at my dismissal of this conversation but spends the remainder of our pedicure time explaining the stages of their move and how she’d like everything settled by Labor Day, which is only a few days away. The kids will start school the following Tuesday, and life will forever be changed for all of them.

26

[Logan]

I was a fucking idiot.

Nerves were eating me up inside, and I was sweating more than usual. The guys had planned to surprise Ben by arriving in time to help move in the furniture and unpack boxes. We’d even coerced Anna into allowing us the chance to repaint rooms if need be, especially for her boys. They were giving up a lot as high schoolers, especially Calvin, to make this change for their parents.