Page 79 of Living at 40

I pass Lorna coming up the stairs with Mila and Anna behind her as I head down. My hands shake so uncontrollably, I’m spilling juice as I pour it, and then I’m spilling more as I hustle back up the staircase.

As I re-enter the room, Ben is pouring sugar under Logan’s tongue. Logan grips Ben’s wrists, trying to fight him. His hair is wild like he was pulling at it. I race to Ben’s side, nudging Lorna out of the way.

“Should they be in here?” I hand Ben the glass of juice, and he quickly glances over his shoulder.

“Anna. Peanut butter and crackers,” Ben snaps at his wife, who directs Lorna to the hallway. Shit, I’d forgotten the crackers. As Ben holds the juice, he forces Logan to drink while talking to him in a coaxing voice.

“Drink the juice, Logan.” Ben’s voice is calm but demanding. Some juice spills out of Logan’s mouth, but a good portion enters despite his struggle against Ben. Time feels like it moves in slow motion as Ben administers the sugary drink to Logan along with encouraging words despite Logan’s attempts to stop my brother. Anna returns with an entire box of snack packs of peanut butter and crackers, and I take the package from her with shaky hands.

Slowly, Logan blinks, and his agitated state seems to settle. He’s still clutching Ben’s wrists, no longer fighting him but holding on to him. His entire body continues to tremble.

“That’s it,” Ben says, still holding the glass at Logan’s lips until he drinks more than half of it. “You’ve got this.”

“What happened?” I whisper.

“I could ask you the same thing,” Ben states, finishing with the juice and pulling the glass back from Logan’s mouth. “I think he had a diabetic episode of some sort.”

Tears fill my eyes. What did we do? I consider the sex. Did I hit his pump? Did it dislodge? My eyes fall to the device. I don’t know anything about his condition.

Ben firmly holds Logan’s jaw as he stares at Logan, whose eyes appear to return to focus. He’s still shaky and sweaty, though.

“What happened?” Logan croaks, eyes wild but not dazed like they previously were.

“You tell us,” Ben says. “I think you went into a diabetic state.”

Logan looks down at his pump and touches the equipment. His head pops up, and he glances from Ben to me and back at Ben.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers and my mouth gaps.

“You did nothing wrong.” My shrill voice is full of shock. He has nothing to apologize for.

“I think I overexerted myself.”

“What were you doing?” Ben asks and Logan’s eyes shift to me. His color is still too light to hint at blushing but my cheeks heat. “Never mind,” my brother mutters.

“What did I do?” Logan addresses me as if he already knows something happened. “Did I hurt you?”

“No,” I whisper, but distress fills my voice. He lifts a shaking hand for my face, but something makes me flinch from his touch.

“Autumn,” he whispers before his eyes return to Ben. “What did I do?” The trepidation in his gaze, along with the dread in his voice, nearly breaks me. Tears I want to hold back slip freely down my cheeks.

“It’s nothing, man. What can I do for you? What else do you need?”

“Crackers. Peanut butter.” Logan’s voice is still weak.

“I have them.” I’ve been clutching the box so hard I dented the packaging; however, my fingers are so shaky I don’t have the strength to break the plastic wrapping.

“Autumn,” Logan says in a firmer tone. A clammy hand covers mine to still my frantic motions. “Talk to me, sweetheart. Are you okay?”

“Are you?” Panic laces my voice which cracks.

“Just tell me.” He wants to know if he hurt me, but I shake my head. He reaches for me, wanting to tug me down to him, but I’m afraid to touch him. I’m afraid I’ll hurt him. What did I do?

Silent tears continue to glide down my face. I stare down at him, clasping my hands together so I don’t grab him and pull him to me. His head lowers with shame, but he has nothing to be embarrassed about.

“I need to learn what to do for you.” I never want to feel so helpless again. Quickly, I turn my attention to Ben, who is holding out a cracker for Logan.

“Thank you.” I’ve never been so grateful for my brother. His quick reaction. His steady hand. Red marks cover his wrists, and Logan reaches up to run a finger along the razed skin. His eyes widen.