Page 26 of Learning at 40

“Thank you,” River states with pride, smiling at my boys as she stands.

“You’re not a girl,” Trevor says, objecting to the thought.

“I’m not? What am I then?” River teases, and Oliver blinks up at her.

“You’re a mom.” His innocent statement floats around us. My mouth falls open, ready to correct him, hoping River isn’t offended. However, graceful as she is, River gently reacts.

“Moms are just girls who grow into women and have children. I don’t have any children, so I’m not a mom.” Her voice is calm. Her explanation clear. She isn’t offended.

Without a thought, Oliver replies, “You should be.”

“Oliver!” I shriek, mortified on his behalf.

“Dude,” Mason mumbles a few feet away.

“You can be our mom,” Trevor says, shrugging like it’s that easy. Then he adds, “Ours left.”

“Trev.” With the nickname softly on my tongue, I feel like the nail gun got loose and just hammered my chest. I glance up to find Logan watching me. He’s the other divorced guy in our group. He pulled off the single dad thing for years, doing a great job with his only daughter. He knows I’m concerned I won’t get my shit together. Jeanine has screwed up our boys with her absence, but I’m not without fault.

I swore I wouldn’t be a bad dad. I’d had the best of fathers until he wasn’t. We hadn’t a hint to the things he’d been doing, or maybe I hadn’t noticed because I was only a kid. He was my hero then. I never knew how far off-balance things had gotten. When everything fell apart, my mother was devastated, and I was left to pick up the pieces.

I glance at River, whose eyes fill with compassion. She doesn’t know what to say in response to Trevor.

“Little guys, how about we ask River to join us tonight for the barbecue?” Logan asks, dissolving the awkward tension. My head twists from River to Logan, kicking myself that I hadn’t thought of it or been the one to invite her. Logan and Autumn offered to host our crew at their new home tonight, hoping to remove us from the house. Anna’s been holding her own, but she disappears in her head at times and needs a break.

The boys cheer, and Oliver doesn’t hold back. He wraps his arms around River’s waist and looks up at her with large pleading eyes.

“Please come. Please, please, please.” He pouts, and River glances over at me.

“Did he learn this expression from you, or did he teach it to you?” I have no idea what she’s talking about, but I watch as she blindly rubs her hand over my son’s head. “I don’t really want to intrude on your friends-cation.”

“Why not? We’ve invaded your yard,” I reply.

“Don’t act like that’s a hardship,” Mason mutters, and I pierce him with another hard glare.

“Clothing is optional,” Logan states, and River stiffens in Oliver’s arms. “I mean, it might be best to wear something, but you know, you do you. Whatever makes you comfortable. My wife likes to be naked, too. Typically, it’s only with me, but I’m not gonna judge.”

River’s head slowly turns in my direction, and her eyes narrow. “You told them.”

My mouth falls open, ready to explain. Then I snap my lips shut, thinking it best not to speak. I lower my eyes, and her breath catches.

“You weren’t alone,” she growls under her breath. I kick at the ground, slipping my hands into my pockets. Biting the corner of my lip, I sheepishly lift my lids half-mast to glance up at her.

“Dammit,” she mutters and closes her eyes.

Mason laughs, and River turns her attention to him.

“All three of you.” It wasn’t even a question. Logan turns his head and whistles a distracting tune. Mason salaciously grins.

“Don’t be embarrassed,” I whisper.

“You should be embarrassed,” she says, eyeing each of us like errant children. Her voice rises while she continues stroking Oliver’s hair, and his head relaxes against her waist.

“Dad, don’t make her mad again,” Oliver warns, and my mouth falls open.

How am I the bad guy? Then again, I’ve just been schooled by River. We should be embarrassed. We shouldn’t have been looking, but dammit, it’s her fault for being so distractingly beautiful.

“Yeah, Dad,” Mason groans, but it’s Trevor who hammers the nail into my chest again.