Page 27 of Learning at 40

“Dad, we don’t want Miss River to leave us, too.”

“Oh, baby,” River whispers, and she crouches once more, still holding Oliver at her side. “Trevor, come here.” She stretches out an arm, but Trevor isn’t as affection-desperate as his brother, nor does he seem to want River’s embrace. He remains where he’s planted, suspiciously eyeing River until she lowers her arm.

“I’m not going anywhere,” she says to him, confident and convincing. “I’ll be right here, guarding your tree fort for you.”

Trevor stares at her, and I can almost see the fight in him. He wants her touch. He wants to believe her soothing words. Jeanine wasn’t a loving mother, but then again, I’m just as guilty as a less-than-stellar father. Time was my excuse. Jeanine was just cold. I’m ready to grab my child and pull him to my chest. I don’t want him to feel abandoned. He’s too young to feel so rejected. I know the sensation, and it sucks.

When Trevor doesn’t move toward River, she stands again chewing at her lower lip. She doesn’t look at me, and I worry she’s offended by his standoffishness.

“It’s not you,” I offer, reaching out for her arm, stroking from bicep to wrist. She doesn’t flinch, but she’s still stiff from his rebuff. Or maybe she’s still upset three grown men saw her naked in her backyard.

Sensing new tension, Logan interjects with another invitation to dinner, and with another questioning glance from River, I confirm the invite.

“I’d love for you to be there.”

She can’t say I treated her like a one-night stand. We’ve had two nights together, and I’m looking forward to a third. And then, a few more after that.

10

[River]

Although I’ve lived here for a year, I haven’t made the effort to meet people. I’d heard the murmurs and speculation. I didn’t feel the need to explain myself to strangers, but I wanted to make a good impression with Zack’s friends. So, I was nervous.

Plus, I was still struggling with Trevor’s words and Oliver’s embrace. Cloaked under their wild streak, those little boys are sad. In the short time I’d known them, I haven’t heard them mention their mom once until today, and it was obvious Trevor misunderstood. His mother didn’t leave him; she left their father. Or maybe Zack left her. I didn’t know the details, and as I didn’t want to share my own experience, I hadn’t asked. However, I don’t want to believe their mother abandoned them.

Children are a blessing, my grandfather would say. But that doesn’t mean we don’t want to curse at them sometimes. Somehow, I think Grandfather intended those words to mean exasperation and frustration with children, not abandoning them. He refused to see children as anything other than a gift, and he certainly cherished my mother and me.

Sadly, Quincy had abandoned his children, and at his advanced age, he was full of regret. His children were full of bitterness and eventually revenge. Just like with Quincy, it wasn’t my place to judge Zack as a father. However, Oliver and Trevor were only seven. Zack had more time to make good on his position as their dad. In Zack’s defense, he wanted to be better. It was written on his face when Trevor said what he said about their mother and when Oliver hugged me. On the cusp again. Zack didn’t understand his children, but he wanted to know them.

A hard knock on my front door brings me out of my thoughts, and my hands smooth down my summer dress. The lightweight material is flouncy and flows almost to my ankles. I’ve paired it with strappy, flat sandals, but I’m worried I won’t match Zack. His polished look isn’t lost on me, even in his standard chino shorts and dress shirts. The emblem on his clothing hints at their expense, and when I open the door to find him wearing a silver watch worth more than fifteen-hundred dollars complementing his ensemble, I’m feeling very underdressed. I might as well be naked, as Logan joked.

“You look pretty,” Oliver sweetly says, and immediately, all my worries vanish. Zack shakes his head and swipes a hand over his boy’s freshly washed hair. It’s been another day of sunscreen, sawdust, and overall dirt.

“Ready?” Zack asks. He suggested earlier we walk as the boys could use the energy release and Logan’s home is less than half a mile away.

“I’m good to go,” I say, noticing a tremble in my voice. I’m so nervous and I’m never like this.

“Are those brownies?” Trevor asks. I’m holding a tray of brownies. Thankfully, I had a box of mix in the cupboard. He beams at me while Oliver exaggerates licking his lips.

“Want to carry it for me?” I ask but realize too late that I have one tray and four eager hands when the boys collectively holler, “I do!”

“How about I carry the brownies?” Zack offers and tips his head to suggest we begin our walk. The boys scamper ahead of us while Zack stays beside me.

“My son beat me to compliment you,” Zack says, almost pouting like he did the other night. He definitely taught his son this look. “He got it wrong, though. You look beautiful, angel.” His eyes roam over my hair and down to my neck. A smile accentuates his praise. It’s nice to be considered pretty.

“Why do you call me that?” Angel isn’t the most common of endearments.

The corner of Zack’s mouth quirks upward as though he has a secret, but he isn’t offering it up. “It fits.” That’s it. He doesn’t say anything further.

“Well, you don’t look so bad yourself, handsome.” I grin, and he does that dazzling thing by smiling wider, happy with my compliment. “Oh, come on. I’m certain you’ve heard that a million or two times in your life.”

Zack laughs. “It’s still nice to hear that a beautiful woman thinks I’m decent looking.” That vulnerability hits. He’s wearing another dress shirt, rolled to his elbows, and dark shorts. My eyes lower to his expensive watch, and he follows my gaze.

“It was a present to myself when I graduated from law school. I’d worked hard, and when I got my first job, I blew my whole paycheck on it.” He shakes out his arm and bends his elbow in a sexy manner, acting as if he’s checking the time on a fifteen-hundred-dollar watch. “It’s the most frivolous thing I’ve ever bought.”

I chuckle as well. “Last night was the most frivolous thing I’ve ever done.”

Zack stumbles. “What?”