Page 29 of Learning at 40

My eyes leap to River again, finding her looking back at me.

“Not yet, maybe, but soon,” Anna retorts.

I break away from River’s smiling face and stare at Anna once more. “How do you know?” How does one know when they really love a person? Even Ben couldn’t explain it other than saying you just know, and he was one of the sappiest guys I’ve ever met.

“When it feels like flying instead of falling,” Anna says.

My mouth falls open. What? Her eyes fill with concern at the surprised expression surely written on my face.

“What?” she asks.

Is this some weird Ben-Anna voodoo? “Nothing,” I mutter. “It’s nothing.”

Anna reaches over and pats my arm. “She’s amazing with the boys.”

I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose. “I know.”

“It’s a gift to love other people’s children. She told me she’s a pediatric oncology nurse. I don’t know how she does it.” Anna glances up at River. “I only lost Ben. I can’t imagine how many she’s lost.”

“Anna,” I whisper. I’m not discrediting River and her patients but losing one’s husband had to be worse.

“Don’t let her get away,” Anna warns, her voice softening.

“Where is she going to go? She lives next door.” I scoff, trying to lighten the conversation.

Anna narrows her eyes. “You never know how much time you have, Zack. Cherish it with the right people.” She squeezes my wrist and stands to approach River, reaching out her hands to signal she wants to hold baby Ben next.

Eventually, we sit around the outdoor table on Logan’s new deck. The night continues with good food, an abundance of alcohol, and lots of tall tales. Most stories shared are about the four of us in college and out. The memories are ones often repeated, but Logan and Mason embellish them, laying it on thick with River.

“There was the time Zack was stoned and wanted to break into the football stadium.”

“And when Zack thought he could sing and took over the mic during a concert at the bar.”

“And remember when Zack wanted to run naked through the park.” This one certainly had River’s attention, and the exaggerations went on and on. Nothing was too damaging, only embarrassing, and each tale made River’s brows rise higher. She was definitely seeing another side of me. One I’d actually forgotten. Between my partnership at the law firm, the divorce from Jeanine, and suddenly single parenthood, I no longer remembered that guy who did all the crazy things they mentioned.

Then Logan says, “So what’s it like living in Zacky’s old house?”

My arm has been around River’s chair, occasionally touching her hair and absentmindedly wrapping strands around my finger. My friends haven’t missed my constantly touching her. Her hip. Her wrist. Her hair. Like the positive-negative pull of magnets, I’m drawn to this woman so opposite me.

Only, this question stills my movements, and River chokes on a sip of wine. I peer at Logan, wondering why he’d ask such a question.

“Find any secrets in there about our boy?” Logan teases until he cries out, “Ow,” and looks at his wife, who sits perpendicular to him.

River doesn’t look at me as her shoulders stiffen. “I’d never share his secrets.” She winks at Logan, who chuckles, but tension rolls down her back. She’s a bit quieter the rest of the night.

When the boys are drooping, and it’s time to walk home, I carry Oliver, who feels like a sack of sand against my chest. Trevor stumbles between River and me like a drunken sailor. We could have gotten a ride with Anna, but River and I needed a moment to clear the air, and I didn’t want to burden Anna with my boys.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” River asks as we stumble down the road.

“It isn’t important. It was a long time ago.”

“How long?” she asks, not letting it be.

“More than twenty-five years.”

“And your family decided to move?”

“Not exactly.” I side-eye her and then focus forward on the dark street ahead, occasionally lit by the soft glow of a rare streetlamp.