Page 78 of Learning at 40

Robert has my attention now.

“In the end, I lost her. She was the best thing I ever had, and the best I could do for her was give her up.”

I turn my head. Silence falls, awkwardly wrapping around us, before I peer back at him.

“I’ve got a girlfriend now.”

“I do not want to hear this,” I quip. Jesus, what is he thinking?

“Her name is Robbyn,” he continues.

“Cute.” Sarcasm coats my tone. Robert and Robbyn. The name hits me—Robbyn’s River Adventure. “Did you con her into giving you a job? Buy into her business with false promises? Are you stealing from her?”

As my voice rises, River turns her head but doesn’t fully glance at me over her shoulder. She approaches the tree fort, calling quietly up to the boys.

“I deserve that,” Robert says, and a heavy pause follows again. “But I won’t take it. She’s a good woman. Smart and kind. I make an honest wage and appreciate the slower pace of life. No more hustle.”

I snort at the concept and double meaning of the word. My fingers curl around the arm of the chair where I sit, feeling tied down and tortured at this . . . interview? Introduction? What are we doing here?

“I like your girl.” He rolls his neck to gaze over at River.

“Don’t talk about her,” I snap again, coasting my shaky palms along the edge of the chair’s arms.

Robert turns back to me and weakly raises a hand. “Only wanted to say you make a nice family.”

The words bring me up short, but I find myself speaking. “She’s not my wife.” My voice is rough but not harsh. I realize my father never met Jeanine, and perhaps he thinks River is the mother of Trevor and Oliver. He wouldn’t know any different, and my mind races with the thoughts I’ve been having since I’ve been separated from her.

“I’m divorced.” I’m not even certain why I tell him this fact. Robert tips up a brow and gives me a knowing glance.

“We all deserve a second chance at love . . . and getting it right.”

My mouth falls open, ready to retort that it’s a little late for fatherly advice from him. Then I peer over at River, head tipped back, speaking to Oliver who was hanging out the window of the tree fort, and my mouth clamps shut instead.

I stare at my father. It’s been almost thirty years, more than half my life, and I don’t know the man before me. I don’t even know if I want to know this person. The father I had is gone.

You need to forgive him, River said. It was the only way to move on. Be grateful for when I had a dad and accept that I no longer do.

“Because of her, I know I need to forgive you. For me. For them, but I’m not there yet.” I don’t really know if I’ll ever get there. Perhaps with River’s help . . .

Robert and I remain in awkward silence for another long moment while he lowers his head, pursing his lips in concentration. Finally, he looks up at me, weakly smiling, and says, “You should bring your boys back to Robbyn’s. Next river trip is on me.”

I don’t think he’s ignoring what I’ve said about forgiveness as much as bypassing it for now. He isn’t looking to argue with me any more than I want to fight with him.

“Yeah, the boys would like that,” I say for some reason, instantly knowing I won’t take him up on the offer. My thoughts leap back to the day we went canoeing. The boys had loved pretending they were pirates searching for something hidden around every corner. River added to the adventure, calling out things she hoped to see next, yammering about buried treasure and where it might be found, and wondering if there was gold deep in the river. She was so creative. The boys ate it up.

“That’s a nice new fort,” Robert offers, and I notice he’s been watching River and the boys during my silence. “You and your brother had quite the imagination up there.”

While I recall some moments, there’s so much I don’t remember, perhaps blocking some memories out.

“We had to build a new one. The old platform wasn’t safe anymore.”

“It always was the perfect tree for a fort.” My father speaks more to the tree than to me, and instantly I remember a night of laying on that platform, looking through the winter-bare branches. We were gazing up at the stars, my father and me. Always reach for the stars, Zack. Accept no limit to what you can do, who you can be.

Suddenly, I’m swallowing hard as more memories return to my head. I remember feeling like we were floating, flying as we glanced up at the dark sky with a brilliant display of stars.

Flying in love. I couldn’t remember the age I’d been, but I’d loved my dad so much at that ancient moment. I was certain of it. But loving a parent is a different kind of love. Unfortunately, my father needed limits back then. He needed to accept what we had. He needed to trust my mother’s love for him. She wouldn’t have thought less of him. We would have all made changes and sacrificed like Calvin and Bryce did for Ben. That’s what families do. That’s what I learned from my friends. They were my family.

“People make mistakes, son.” The comment draws me from my head. I want to snap at him for calling me son. I wasn’t his son any more than this man was my dad, but I wasn’t going to argue the term. Could we negotiate with one another? Could we compromise? I wasn’t certain. Sitting here with him felt bigger than both of us.