Page 79 of Learning at 40

My eyes seek Trevor and Oliver, both laughing at something River has said. With the universe as my witness, I swear I will never be distant from my boys again.

“I need to go,” Robert finally says when I’ve taken too long to respond to him. He rubs his hands together, and I watch the motion, wondering if he’ll hold out a hand to me. Will we shake like acquaintances? Will we stand and hug? The thought makes me shiver, and I quickly dismiss it. Something in my face must warn him not to reach for me, so he doesn’t. He rubs his hands over his thighs next.

“Well . . .”

“Yeah.” I quickly stand, scraping the feet of the metal chair against the concrete, making a sound like nails on a chalkboard. River turns in our direction and meets my gaze. Without a second of hesitation, she crosses to me.

“Leaving?” There’s a question in the word, as her eyes remain on mine.

“I need to get to work,” Robert says.

I almost huff but stop myself.

“We enjoyed our day at the river adventure,” River offers, smiling at my father, who can’t help but smile in return to her.

“You come over any time you want.” He winks, and River nods, keeping her grin in place. She’ll never go there again if I don’t want to go. I’ve done what she asked. I listened. Did I absorb it? Did I forgive him? I’m not certain I’m there yet, but I let him talk.

“I’ll see myself out,” Robert says, giving a wave to the boys before nodding to River. “It was good to see you, Zack.”

When I don’t respond again, as I don’t know what to say, he smiles once more at River and walks to the side of the house. Watching him disappear around the corner, I nearly collapse back to the chair, not realizing how on edge I’d been. My body aches like I’ve overextended myself in a workout.

“I’m so proud of you,” River says, squatting beside the chair. Her hands cover one another, and her chin rests on her knuckles as she looks up at me. “How do you feel?”

“I don’t know,” I honestly admit, uncertain of everything. Her hand shifts to my thigh, and I quickly wrap my fingers around hers, pulling it up to my lips, lingering against her knuckle. There are too many racing thoughts in my head to process, so I’m grateful when she doesn’t ask me more questions. She doesn’t make me talk. She just lets me be.

“Why were you upset earlier?” I ask, recalling the tears in her eyes. “You’re home early.”

Her lips twist side to side as her bright blue eyes hold mine.

“Jessica died.” The little girl patient she eventually told me about. The one who had her in tears the first day we were building the tree fort.

“River, angel.” I reach down for her and tug her up to my lap, holding her to my chest. With her arms wrapped around my neck, her nose settles against my skin, and she inhales. Her tears are held at bay for now, but I know later that night, when we make love in the dark, we’re going to cling a little harder to one another. We’re going to hold tighter and never want to let go.

30

[Zack]

On Monday, after a great weekend with River, I call Mason.

“I don’t know much about our project schedule, but can we add another one?” I ask my friend and business partner.

“You’d know if you moved here,” Mason scoffs. We’ve been handling all our meetings virtually, which works but isn’t quite the same as sitting in a conference room together.

“Even you don’t live there,” I remind him as he left Anna’s and returned to his townhome in Traverse City. For a man who builds properties, it’s surprising he doesn’t have an individual house.

“I’d like you to take on River’s house.”

The line goes silent a second before Mason asks, “Are you sure about this?”

With a smile in my voice, I answer. “I’ve never been more sure about anything in my life.” After my father left and River told me about Jessica, we were quiet but constantly touching as if afraid we’d lose the other without the physical connection. She made dinner, and I was at her side. I sat with the boys, and she held my hand. And when we finally had time alone, we made love that was a rush at first and then a slow dance second, keeping us connected as long as possible. Even in sleep, we wrapped around one another. The weekend ended too fast.

“You remember it’s not your house, right?” Mason reminds me, and I grin again.

“Yeah, but going to be mine again, someday. The woman inside belongs with me.” I chuckle when I consider her saying she was her own person. I am mine. Then she admitted she belonged by my side, and I belong by hers.

By the end of the day, I have a call from River.

“You cannot renovate my house,” she huffs into the line without greeting. Her voice is full of exasperation, and I just want to see her face. Those wide blue eyes giving me that look like I’m incorrigible, and her lush mouth chewing at her lower lip in frustration.