Page 118 of Allegiant

If there’s anything left of me once Rowan has finished. I suspect I’ll just be an empty shell, with pain and devastation where my heart once beat.

“I’m leaving now,” he says. “I’m getting Nugget, all my things, and I’m going. Don’t come after me.”

“Wait!” I shout, reaching out to grab onto him.

He stares at where I touch him, my palm burning a brand onto his skin. I don’t want to let go. Not until…

I step closer, and his watering eyes meet mine.

“You won’t…” I let out a strained sound. “You won’t hurt yourself, will you? The gun… I don’t want you to do that. Please.”

Rowan’s eyes widen, and he swallows, his head shaking.

“I won’t. I promise I won’t. That was just desperation in the moment. I don’t want to die.”

It’s enough.

My hand loosens, and he shakes me off.

He blinks at me, and I hear a small sob leave his lungs, then he turns on his heel and stalks off.

I go against all my instincts, and I let him. My mind, body, and soul are screaming at me to go after him, but I can’t.

Not when it might hurt him more.

I’d rather hurt myself than let that happen.

So that’s what I do.

I let my heart be ripped to shreds as Rowan walks out of my life.

30

ROWAN

Adam’s death fractured me.

This heartbreak, the betrayal from Samson and his family, it seeps into those fractures. It widens them until there’s nothing left but gaping caverns where there was once a heart.

I always knew it would never last.

Can’t say I ever dreamed it would end like this.

“I can kill them for you,” Larry says from his recliner, Nugget on his lap. I wanted to wallow in my despair after rehearsal today, but I knew that if I did, Samson wouldn’t be there to pick up the pieces. Not that I want him to. Of course I don’t.

Such a lie.

I wasn’t ready to face that either, so when Larry came over and threatened me with his cane, I decided a change of scenery might be a good idea. I curled up on the couch and told him to distract me. Apparently, threatening murder is his attempt at this. “Chicken Nugget here will eat their remains. He wouldn’t mind, either. I’ve seen him eat his own poop; he has low standards.”

“I don’t want anyone to die, and I don’t want Nugget to eat human remains, for fuck’s sake. I just want to stop hurting.” I swipe at my swollen eyes and blow my nose. “When will it stop? I can’t function like this, Larry, I just can’t. Rehearsal was terrible today. Like, seriously bad. My show is going to flop if I can’t dance.”

He sighs, his hand stroking up and down Nugget’s back. “Betrayal never stops hurting, especially when your heart is involved. Sorry to tell you that, kid. Mine stings today just as much as it did twenty years ago.”

My brows meet. I almost didn’t catch that. “Wait. What happened twenty years ago?”

He coughs. “Nothing. Just…the mutterings of a mad old man.”

“You’re not that old.”