Page 117 of Allegiant

A sob racks his body, and I feel like I’m being torn in two.

Harley stands up, his throat bobbing. “Rowan, none of us would hurt you now. If anything, we’d kill for you.”

That’s the wrong thing to say. I almost see how Rowan recoils in on himself. “You know the worst thing about all of this? You all knew.”

I frown, unsure what he’s getting at. But then I realize he’s not done.

“You all knew that Samson was supposed to kill me. That he, for some fucking reason, couldn’t do it. You knew Harley offered to finish the mission. You knew all this, but still welcomed me into your home.”

He points a shaky finger at Ansel. Then Neo. Finally, it comes to rest on Harley. “All of you. You made me feel welcome. You made me think we were friends.”

Ansel is crying too now. “We are your friends.”

“No,” Rowan whispers, shaking his head. “I had a friend, once. He wouldn’t have ever done this.”

Heat burns behind my eyes. “Rowan…”

“No.” He jerks away, glaring at me. “Fuck you, Samson. Fuck. You.”

I reel back like he’s hit me.

“Fuck you,” he says to Neo quietly, before moving to Ansel, “and fuck you.”

He faces Harley, and I know it’s his betrayal that’s hurt my Rowan the most—other than mine, obviously. He was the one who offered to pull the trigger when I couldn’t. “Fuck you, Harley. Next time you take on a job, picture this moment, and ask yourself if it’s really worth it.”

He spins on his heel, and I almost fall over chairs in my haste to catch up to him. “Rowan, wait. I can explain.”

He whirls with all of his usual grace, but none of his candor. “Can you, Samson? How the fuck can you explain or justify any of this?” He laughs; an angry, ugly sound. “You can’t. You fucking can’t.”

“Wait. But I love you,” I blurt the words out. “I love you, Rowan. I won’t ever let anyone hurt you again. Please don’t leave me. Please.”

His eyes shutter, and he takes a step back. “If that were true, you wouldn’t have kept all of this from me. How can I love you when I don’t even know who you are? What you do?”

“I tried to tell you,” I say hopelessly. “You kept laughing it off.”

“You didn’t try hard enough,” he says hotly. I know he’s right. Of course he is. “You could’ve explained why we met. That it wasn’t some casual fucking hookup in a club. You were stalking me. Admit it.”

I can’t lie to him again. I won’t. “Yes. You were my job. But I saw you, and I knew I couldn’t kill you.”

His chin wobbles. “The first time you saw me? You immediately decided in that second not to kill me?”

I hear the death knell ringing in the distance. It’s coming for us, and I have no way to stop it. “No. Not then.”

His quick intake of breath is more painful than any wound I’ve ever sustained. “After the first time we were…together?”

I’m so ashamed of myself. So fucking ashamed that I can’t give him the answer we both want to hear.

“When?” he whispers. “When, Samson?”

“I asked my brothers for more time after the dance studio.” I don’t need to be more specific. I can see from the horror on his face that he remembers exactly when I mean. “I think I knew then that I’d never go through with it. My brothers did too after I threatened to kill Harley if he dared so much as touch you.”

Rowan stares at me silently, and I know I need to say more.

I just wish I knew the right words.

“I knew for certain the night in the closet,” I whisper. “I’ll never let anyone hurt you. I swear it.”

“Funny how you say that, but you kept on doing that by hiding this from me.” Rowan drifts back a few more steps. He’s not looking at me now, like he can’t stand the sight of me. I don’t blame him. Doubt I’ll be able to look at myself in a mirror again after this.