Page 124 of Allegiant

On the third day, the door to my closet is wrenched open.

“Fuck, it stinks in here.” Cade reels back as I wince at the sudden bright light. “Have you been there the whole time?”

I shrug. I don’t have the energy to speak.

“At least you’ve stayed hydrated,” he says, spotting the empty bottles of water around me. If he notices the vodka ones scattered among them, he doesn’t comment on it. “Please say you at least left to use the restroom. If I get piss or worse on my pants, I’m stabbing you, broken-hearted or not.”

“You’re fine,” I grunt, my voice like gravel after being silent for so long. Not like I talk much generally, but this silence is unusual. Doesn’t feel unusual. Feels right. What’s the point in talking when the one person I want to speak to has cut me off? “I have some limits.”

Cade sighs in relief before shoving himself inside the cramped space. I scowl at him as he accidentally kicks my calves as he tries to find a place to sit. Eventually, he gives up, crossing his arms over his chest and staring down at me. “You can’t stay in here forever. It’s not healthy.”

“Don’t care,” I mutter. “Now fuck off and shut the door. It’s too bright.” I don’t deserve sunshine. I deserve darkness.

“Dude, seriously.” He crouches down, concern shining in his eyes. “I’m worried about you. We all are.”

I stay silent. I’m worried about me too. Worried that Rowan might have taken the most vital part of me when he left.

“I know how this feels,” Cade says softly. “When Ansel broke up with me, I thought I was going to die, man. I think I wanted to, at one point.”

“It’s not the same,” I say woodenly. “Ansel dumped you to keep you safe. Rowan left because I betrayed him. We all did.”

Cade blows out a breath. “Fuck. Yeah. You’re right. I’m no good at this.”

He disappears, closing the door behind him. Darkness rolls over me again, and I shut my eyes. Rowan’s face immediately fills my vision, my penance and my reward. I can’t escape him.

I don’t want to.

Unfortunately, the darkness doesn’t last long enough. The door swings open again, and this time, it’s Matthias standing there.

I groan. “Why can’t you all let me mope in peace?”

“None of you let me,” Matthias says dryly. He doesn’t attempt to enter my space, instead leaning against the doorjamb. “As I recall, I was literally dragged from my bed and shoved into a shower against my will.”

“That was Cade and Dalton,” I rasp. “Wylder, too. And as I recall, that was because they knew Wyatt was ready to forgive you. So unless you’re about to tell me Rowan is waiting downstairs, you can fuck off.”

I’ll never admit the hope that sparks in my chest at the thought. Nor how quickly it’s doused when Matthias shakes his head. “No. He’s not. I’m sorry.”

My throat bobs. “Then fuck off.”

Matthias doesn’t fuck off, not that I’m really expecting him to. None of us are very good at keeping our noses out of each other’s business. To be honest, I’m surprised they’ve left me alone for this long. They must know how bad it is. How badly I fucked up.

“I’m not going to say something trite like I know what you’re going through, because every situation is different.”

I grunt. Good. I don’t want to hear it.

“But I will say that I thought there was no future with Wyatt,” he says quietly. “What I did… Fuck. I’m still not sure how he forgave me. I know you think what you did was bad, but really, you just withheld information from Rowan. You would never have hurt him.”

No, I wouldn’t have.

“I blackmailed Wyatt into marrying me,” Matthias continues. “I took advantage of him when he was at his lowest point. I manipulated the situation and lied to him about it. About all of it. What I’d done. Who we are. He still forgave me. Don’t give up hope.”

“Why?” I find myself asking. “Why do you think he forgave you?”

“Because he loves me.” Matthias smiles. “Fuck knows I don’t deserve it, but that man loves me. Enough to put all the lies behind us and start afresh.”

Is love really that powerful?

“What I’m saying is, don’t give up hope.” Matthias squeezes my ankle, the only part of me he can reach. “Rowan’s hurting right now. But if he loves you—and I really think he does—he’ll come around. You just need to keep showing up for him. Show him that you’re sorry. That you’ll change going forward. If you do that, there’s no way he won’t forgive you.”