Page 123 of Allegiant

Then again, I’m not sure who I am anymore.

Wylder drags him away, and I keep my eye at the peephole until I can no longer see them. Then I rest my forehead once more on the door, that potion still at my feet.

Could be poison.

Could be delicious.

Nugget is sniffing it, pulling it between his teeth, about to devour it for a snack.

“Should I drink it?” I ask as I pry it from his sharp little teeth. “Probably a bad idea. But maybe it’ll work this time, and I can find it in me to let this go.”

I know it’s not that simple, that I need more than this, if anything at all.

But still, I pick it up and pull the cork from the top, inhaling what smells like lavender and something like high-proof alcohol. Probably toxic.

I glance down at Nugget then back at the vial. “What the hell.” And then I pour it back, the liquid burning my throat as I swallow. “Holy shit. That is poison. It has to be.”

Nugget barks and then runs around the house as I flop down on the couch, trying to catch my breath. But I don’t die, even though I feel like I am. I just end up falling asleep there, dreaming of Samson drifting farther and farther away from me, his hand outstretched, his eyes wide, his mouth open in a silent scream.

I can’t reach him.

Can’t find him.

And when I finally wake up, I realize that even though it was a dream, it’s far too true.

31

SAMSON

Rowan might leave my life quietly, refusing to say another word as he walks out the front door with his things and Nugget, but the impact on me is earth-shattering.

For the first two days, I don’t speak.

I don’t leave my room. I don’t shower. I don’t eat. I sit on the floor of my closet, wondering if Rowan is right. My whole life has been lived for The Firm, walking in the footsteps determined by my father before I was even born.

Has it all been wrong?

I don’t think so. Unlike my siblings, I don’t have another job outside of this. Torture, extortion, murder…none of them bother me. Quite enjoy them, actually.

But the thought that I could’ve killed Rowan…

You didn’t, though. You never would. He’ll always be safe.

Even now, Rowan is being protected. Wylder reassured me that he’d take care of it within seconds of him leaving—leaving and taking my heart with him.

No idea why my brothers are so happy to be in love. Fucking sucks so far.

I can’t believe Rowan left. I know what I did was wrong, obviously. I never should’ve kept all this from him. But I thought we had something special. Something good.

Maybe I was mistaken.

I wonder what it might’ve been like if I’d met him under different circumstances. Perhaps at Rounds. Maybe as an audience member for his show. Wylder usually represents the family at those events, but imagine if he’d made me go? I would’ve bitched and snarked the whole time…right until the moment Rowan stepped into the spotlight.

I would’ve fallen for him just as fast. Would’ve worked up the courage to go to the stage door, waiting with his other fans, hoping to catch his eye.

Yeah. That sounds like a nice story.

Shame the reality is fifty shades of fucked up.