Page 50 of Allegiant

I stand on trembling legs as he rushes forward. The sobs I’ve been holding back finally break free as he catches me. He holds me steady as I weep, his hand stroking my back.

When he speaks, his voice is hoarse, like he already knows what I’m about to say. “Is it true? Both of them?”

I nod, unable to speak. Unable to say the words aloud.

That both my parents are dead. Killed in a car accident by a drunk driver.

“I’m sorry,” Adam says, and I feel wetness on my neck. They’re my parents, but he loved them too. Just as they loved him.

Fuck, I can’t believe I’m thinking about them in the past tense.

“You’re not alone, Rowan,” Adam promises. “I’m here. I’ll be here for you every day. We’ll get through this. Together.”

He kept part of his promise. We did get through it.

But then he left me.

No, he was taken from me. I could’ve stopped it, and I didn’t.

I didn’t.

I wasn’t there for him.

I failed him.

I try to drown out the tears with another gulp of tequila, only to end up choking on it. Liquid splatters all down my chest, but I don’t give a shit. I’m already covered in snot and fuck knows what else at this point. Nothing matters. Nothing. Just that Adam isn’t here.

Because of me.

“I’m telling you, this is fucked up. I think they’re serious.”

“It is fucked up.” Adam is pacing behind me as I style my hair in the mirror. I bite my lip as uncertainty floods me. I wonder if I should call Adi, but Adam’s been insistent that we don’t involve her. He doesn’t want her to panic.

Instead, I attempt to comfort him. “I don’t think we need to be too worried. It’s just messages, at the end of the day. Whoever it is, they’re not going to show up here.”

“I just have this feeling.” Adam exhales shakily. “I can’t explain it, but I think they’re going to show up, and soon.”

I get up and wrap my arms around his waist. Really, if we had been even mildly sexually attracted to each other, this would’ve been a love story for the ages. Sadly, that’s never happened for either of us. This friendship we share? Well, that’s pretty fucking awesome, too. “We’ll go back to the police tomorrow, okay? We’ll insist the fuckers actually do something. And if they don’t, maybe we should talk about going to The Firm instead.”

Adam recoils. “We can’t risk that, Row. Who knows what they’ll ask for in exchange.”

“I’ll pay anything for your peace of mind,” I vow. “If it’s not just messages, then why take the risk? We can just let them deal with it. Whatever they want in return, we’ll figure it out. Okay?”

“Okay,” he says softly, holding me tightly. “You’re right. One more night won’t hurt.”

“We’ll go as soon as the station opens,” I say. “I’m going to go home now and get some sleep, but you call me if you need me, okay?”

“Sure you can’t stay?”

I want to. I almost agree, but I never sleep well here. This show is the opportunity of a lifetime. I’ve had leads in performances before, but never Swan Lake. It’s a role I’ve dreamed of since I was a child. I need to be well rested. “Not tonight, but I’ll be here first thing in the morning.”

Adam had needed me all right.

But he hadn’t had the chance to call.

Just as I hadn’t had the chance to save him. No, I’d had it, but I’d gone home instead. I’d chosen my own selfish desires over him.

Abandoning the tequila, I let the grief swallow me whole. I sink down until I’m lying on the slightly musty carpet. Curling myself into the fetal position, I don’t stop myself from falling apart. I let the pain spread throughout me. Let the poison slide through my skin. My veins. My bones. Down to my very soul.