Page 51 of Allegiant

The darkness there welcomes it with open arms. It’s been growing for a year now. Feeding on any joy I find. Any distraction. It takes all those moments I don’t deserve and turns them into the guilt I can’t escape. The shame of what I did. The heart-shattering agony that consumes me with every breath I take.

Even sleep offers no reprieve. All my dreams are of Adam. Of the cavern his absence has left in my life. Of the choice I made that led to his death. The knowledge that I could’ve prevented this.

But I didn’t. I can’t go back in time. All I can do is survive.

Honestly, the only reason I’m even still here is because of Adam. I have to face each day because he wouldn’t have it any other way. I’ve already failed him once; I refuse to do so again.

Even if that’s what the darkness wants.

I curl tighter as searing pain hits my chest. Maybe if I hold myself tight enough, I’ll make it through this day.

Oh, who am I kidding? I’m not even up to the worst part yet. I have another few hours to survive before this evening, when it’ll be exactly a full year since the greatest mistake of my life. The one that cost me everything.

Bang, bang, bang.

I vaguely register that the noise isn’t coming from my front door. It’s coming from…behind me?

There are three more thuds, followed by a gruff voice. “Open up your front door, kid. Your friends are worried about you.”

Larry. I open my mouth to give him the same words he always gives me—to fuck off and mind his own business—but all that leaves my mouth is yet another sob. It echoes off the small closet, hammering back into me again and again and again.

“Fuck it, I’m worried about you,” Larry says urgently. “You can’t leave me in this state. What if I have a heart attack from stress? You want my death on your conscience?”

On any other day, that threat would work. I’d be brushing myself off and hurrying around to reassure him that I’m fine.

But today? All it does is remind me that I’m already guilty of the sin he’s accusing me of. I have Adam’s death on my conscience.

I should never have left that night.

Larry bangs his cane on the wall a few more times, shouting increasingly violent threats, but I barely hear them. The fog from a few days ago has returned. I welcome it now. I let it block out the pain. The grief. The guilt.

I don’t give a shit that it’s suffocating me. So long as it takes away everything else, I don’t care.

Even the fog can’t stop the darkness returning. They compete for my attention, attacking me from every angle until I don’t know which way is up.

Time passes. I don’t know how long. I stay in the fetal position, my throat raw from the tears that refuse to stop falling. My body’s shivering, but I don’t bother to find a blanket. That would involve moving. Besides, so what if I’m cold? Adam is too. He’s six feet under, alone. I sobbed the day they lowered the casket, just as I’m sobbing now.

A crack of light falls over my face, then a shadow. My tired eyes blink up at the huge frame filling the doorway.

Finally. The person who took Adam from me is back. He’s going to reunite us. It’ll be my reward and punishment for what happened.

The man crouches down, and my stomach sinks in disappointment. This man isn’t here to hurt me.

Samson swipes a calloused thumb along my cheekbone, catching and erasing my tears. “What’s happened?”

I don’t respond. I’m not surprised he was able to break in without me hearing him. Not like it’s the first time.

He sighs. “Fuck. I don’t like seeing you like this.”

“Then leave.” The words are coarse, like grains of sand over broken glass. The first I’ve spoken since bidding him goodbye the night before. “Go.”

“Yeah, that’s not happening.”

“Get out,” I say from between gritted teeth. “Fuck off. I don’t fucking want you here.”

Stay, my mind screams. Don’t leave me.

He taps his fingers against his thighs a few times before sighing again. Then he does the last thing I expect. He squeezes into the closet and slides down the wall until he’s sitting beside me.