Page 112 of Reckless Vengeance

His face burrowed into my neck as if he could hide his pain there, and I hugged him even tighter when I felt my hoodie getting damp from tears.

I slid my hand higher to the back of his head, lightly trailing my fingers through his short hair and feeling his body sag a little from the touch.

“I can pack us some turkey and we can go sit with her while we eat. Josie won’t mind,” I promised quietly, hating how broken he looked when he pulled back to wipe at his eyes.

“No, it’s okay. You stay here.”

“D,” I sighed, reaching up to wipe his cheeks with my thumb. “Don’t spend today alone. If you want, you can hang in the room you sleep in here and I can finish eating. Then we can go.”

“You—”

“She’d hate you being alone today,” I said softly, and he winced, knowing I was right. “Besides, I want to hear stories about you guys on Thanksgiving, so you have to let me come with you.”

“I’ll tell you stories later. I need a smoke,” he mumbled, motioning for me to follow him outside.

We sat by the pool, side-by-side on one of the suntanning benches, a comfortable silence falling between us.

“I wish Slash was here,” I said after a moment, my eyes staring out into the night.

“Me too. I think he and Sasha would have enjoyed a big meal like this,” he replied softly, and I could hear the smile in his voice.

I shuffled closer, resting my head on his shoulder with a sigh.

“You should stay tonight. We’re all going to just watch movies in the theater room.”

“I’ll pass. I appreciate the invitation, but you guys will just want to pretend to watch the movie then have an orgy halfway through,” he said dryly, and I felt his head lean against mine.

“Josie will probably want to watch movies too, so you’re not ruining an orgy, promise,” I joked, blowing smoke into the air.

“We can talk about this stuff, right?”

“Sex stuff? You can tell me anything. I won’t tell other people your business.”

He was quiet for a moment, seeming lost in thought before speaking again.

“Sasha was my first everything. I can’t imagine doing anything with another person. It’s like being a virgin all over again with the awkwardness. Was it awkward for you when you slept with someone new for the first time?” he asked carefully, making me huff.

“I’m really awkward. Being intimate is something I never thought would be special, for obvious reasons, but I’ve found it meant something when I started doing it because I wanted to and not because I was forced. You’re sharing a connection with another person, being exposed to them and trusting them with your body. Even now, I can get embarrassed with group stuff,” I explained, putting my cigarette butt on the ground. I’d throw it out when we got back up.

“How did you learn to trust them? Did you guys discuss things first? Sasha talked to me a lot before we took that step, and we learned a lot about each other over time. I miss that. The connection when we were intimate. It wasn’t just sex,” he mumbled, tossing his cigarette butt beside mine and starting to pick at a loose thread on his jeans. “Even if I wanted to move on, the thought of starting over like that makes me feel kind of sick. Things Sasha liked, someone else might not. To be honest, the thought of them liking things she liked also makes me sick. That was something between me and her, no one else.”

“If you ever find someone that makes you feel even a fraction of what she did, they’re only the right person for you if you can sit down and talk to them like this. Tell them how you feel. Don’t rush into it. There’s nothing wrong with not whoring around like the guys around you do. Get to know them first and build something. If they push you, they’re not the one, and I’ll stab them,” I warned, a light laugh leaving him.

“You’re going to defend me? Keep their claws away?”

“Until you’re ready, absolutely. You’re a rare find, D. You don’t want someone for their body, you’re looking for a soul to match yours. You only want the fun stuff once you get to know the person, and they need to respect that.”

“You deserve that too, you know? You’re not just a body, Rory.”

“I know. I’m really enjoying my newfound love for sexual freedom, but I’m definitely not the type to have a one-night stand with a stranger. I need to trust the person first. Even when I first hooked up with Skeet, part of me trusted him. I don’t know why, I just did. They’ve all taught me so much about myself.”

“Everything I know about myself was because of Sasha. I don’t know who I am without her.”

“Then you figure it out,” I said lightly, his head lifting from mine as he glanced at me.

“How?”

“You find new hobbies, make new friends, and learn more about yourself. You don’t have to forget about her in order to grow as a person. You were a teenager when you lost her, she was a large part of your life, so be gentle with yourself while figuring it all out,” I encouraged, earning a small smile in return.