Page 89 of Last Christmas in London

‘If he has a boyfriend, what are you…’

‘Too soon.’ He winked and disappeared down the corridor, leaving Megan and me alone in the relative quiet of backstage.

For a moment, neither of us spoke. The sounds of last-minute stage preparations buzzed around us, the crackle of radios, the distant hum of the orchestra warming up, the nervous energy in the air. I checked my watch. I had exactly eight minutes before I needed to be back in Pim’s dressing room.

‘I meant what I said earlier,’ Megan said suddenly, pulling me from my thoughts. ‘About you.’

I sighed. ‘Megan—’

‘No, just listen,’ she interrupted, stepping closer. ‘I know you’re in work mode, and I get it, you don’t have time to think about anything else because you have to get Pim on stage and then deal with whatever comes next. But when do you actually stop? When do you actually sit down and ask yourself what you want?’

I looked away.

‘Evie… I did the same thing,’ she continued, her voice calmer now. ‘I buried myself in work when things with Alex started falling apart. It was easier to be busy than to deal with what was actually happening. Easier to say I was too stressed, too occupied to face reality. And I kept telling myself I was doing it for us, for Alfie, for our future, until one day, I woke up and realised I didn’t even recognise my own life any more. Or want it, for that matter.’

She took a breath.

‘And you know what? The second I stopped running from it, the second I actually looked at what mattered, when I was at Mum and Dad’s, it was the easiest decision in the world. I knew I needed to make a change. Work was always going to be there, but my life? My relationships? They were slipping away.’

Her words hit me somewhere deep in my chest, but I tried to shake them off. ‘It’s not the same thing.’

‘Isn’t it?’ she countered. ‘You’re running too. Maybe not from a failing marriage, but from something. You keep throwing yourself into work, into other people’s problems, into Pim’s world, because it’s easier than stopping and figuring out what you want.’

I swallowed.

‘And I don’t think you want this job in Canada,’ she added gently.

I flinched. ‘Of course I do,’ I said too quickly, the words tumbling out in a perfected routine. ‘It’s a great opportunity.’ Everything inside me dropped as I considered the opportunity and failed to translate what that even meant to me any more.

‘Is it?’ She tilted her head. ‘Or is it just another thing that keeps you moving so you don’t have to think about your life? About everything you want? About your mum?’

I couldn’t argue with her, not really. Not when the truth was already burning in my chest. I didn’t want the job. I hadn’t told anyone that – I had barely admitted it to myself – but the moment she said it, I felt the weight of it settle on me like one of Pim’s heavy faux-fur coats.

‘Evie, I love you,’ she said, reaching for my hand. ‘And I know you. You need to stop. You need to take a breath and choose what comes next, instead of just letting it happen to you.’

I squeezed her hand, hard. My throat ached, too full to speak. She was right, and I hated how right she was. I didn’t want the new job. I was just running away again.

‘Five minutes, this is your five-minute call,’ a voice sounded over the Tannoy.

‘Oh, shit!’ I exclaimed, releasing Megan extra-gently. ‘I have to get to Pim,’ I said.

Megan nodded, but she didn’t let go of my hand just yet.

‘Just… think about it, okay?’ she said. ‘Really think about it.’

I gave her a small, shaky smile.

‘Go, go!’ Megan said, shuffling me away with all my things as we wiped our tears and widened our smiles.

‘You’ve got this!’ she called. ‘We’ll be cheering from the seats.’

At the sound of the three-minute call, I began to panic. After all the promises I made to Pim, I was going to miss her entrance. Oh, fuck!

Chapter 27

‘I’m here!’ I shouted, bounding into the dressing room. Only one hair stylist remained, tying up the cord of a pair of straighteners, a look of pure terror on her face. Gosh, what had Pim said to her?

Releasing the door, I ran for the stage entrance, dropping all my things on a random chair and lifting my skirt to move as fast as possible.