Page 29 of Chalk It Up

“Oh, yes! I told Ms. Jake that the next time she comes over I’m going to have your favorite chocolate chip cookies ready for her because they’re the best!” She’s so enthusiastic and thoughtful. She makes my heart a little gooey like my favorite cookies she’s describing.

We pull up to the house, get the dogs taken care of, and let them run around a little, before we head inside to start on dinner and the cookies. Addie has helped me make the cookies enough times that she’s fairly independent when it comes to reading the recipe, mixing the wet ingredients, dry ingredients, and then putting them together. She still needs help every once in a while with reading the measurements, but she amazes me with her independence. She already has her dough rolled into balls, covered, and chilling in the fridge before she plops herself down on the barstool right in front of where I’m marinating the shrimp.

“Daddy, why doesn’t Ms. Jake have a husband?” My eyebrows shoot to my forehead and probably through the ceiling.

“Why doesn’t she have a husband?”

“Yeah, she doesn’t have a ring on her finger and she only talks about her dog.” Kids are way too observant for my comfort. And while I know exactly what the answer is to this question, so much so that it has me grinding my molars, I’m certainly not sharing any part of that with Addie.

“Well sweetheart, I guess she probably hasn’t found anyone that she wants to marry and be with forever. Sometimes it takes some people longer than others and that’s okay.” Hopefully that’s a good enough answer.

She seems to consider that answer and be satisfied with it. “Is that why you’re not married too? Because you haven’t found someone to spend forever with?” We never bring up my being married or not married. It feels too mature. But I suppose if she’s bringing it up then it’s something she wants to discuss. I’ll just tread lightly through the mess that she doesn’t realize she’s asking about.

“Well, I suppose so, yeah. You want to marry your best friend, and I guess I haven’t found my best friend yet.” I really don’t know how to answer much more past that.

“Mommy wasn’t your best friend?” Ouch. We never bring Larissa up in this capacity, but I knew I couldn’t avoid it forever. I just thought I had a few more years. I stick the marinated shrimp into the fridge to sit for a little and attempt to chew through my answer.

“No, precious girl, I suppose your mommy wasn’t my best friend, and I’m sorry about that.” I hate that she even has to think of things like this. I want so desperately for her to have a mom and look at us both and know without a doubt that we’re best friends.

I want Addie to see us kiss and be grossed out by it. But the vision is never with Larissa. I don’t think the vision was ever Larissa, just always a vague, faceless concept. But now it’s clear as day, it's me and Evangeline dancing around each other in the kitchen stealing quick kisses and laughing while Addie laughs, telling us to stop.

“It’s okay. I’m not sad. I hope you can find your best friend somewhere.” I know she wants me to be happy but I don’t think she understands the depth of what she’s saying, that she’s inadvertently asking for a step mom.

“I don’t really need a best friend to be happy. I’m very happy with me and you, Ads… I hope you know how happy you make me. A best friend is great, but you’re my world.” And it's true. I’d love a best friend, but I’m not miserable. Well, not anymore. Maybe my daughter sees more than I want her to see.

chapter 21

Evie

The rational part of my brain tells me that August wasn’t jealous of me hugging Emmett, but the hopeless romantic in me is really hoping he was. My kids are having the best time with August’s company working on the set today, and I love being able to watch them gain some practical, hands-on skills. I’m certain that it will be a core memory for all of them as they get older. My motives weren’t entirely pure though because every time I looked over to August, he was already looking at me. It’s like the earth bends just to keep us together. It almost feels second nature to find him wherever he is, and based on his actions, I’m not alone in that. That makes me even more eager for tutoring, dinner, and our eventual conversation tonight.

August and I have been emailing for months now, since the start of the school year. But only recently have we been in each other’s pull, even though it feels like it’s been there the entire time. Like every email that was sent or any glance stolen during drop-off had an undercurrent of more, but neither of us was brave enough to acknowledge it. Neither of us wanted to put words on the gravity between us, too scared that it would eventually crush us. But I don’t think that’s going to happen. I think our gravity is settling, not stifling.

Mrs. Johnston walks up to me, snapping me out of my August-induced reverie. She’s like a bloodhound that can always sniff out when my pheromones are on the fritz thinking about August. “So, the set is looking great. How fun of you to bring your class in to get some hands-on learning.” The way she says it feels like she doesn’t actually like the idea that we’re in here, but I try to not take it that way. It’s really easy for my brain to default to the negative, and I work hard to train it in the opposite direction.

“They’re really having a great time. A few of them have even mentioned wanting a job in construction now because they’re having so much fun.”

“That’s fantastic.” That sounds anything but fantastic, but I stay silent and smile. “So it looks like you and August have been talking more lately. And did I overhear that his daughter brought you lunch one day?” My heart falls out of my butt. My whole body heats with anxiety and embarrassment. Here it comes. This is exactly what I’ve been terrified of since August and I started interacting more. I knew it was unprofessional and would cost me my job.

The last thing I ever want is to be reprimanded. Even as a kid, I was on my best behavior because I never wanted to disappoint any of the adults in my life. I wanted someone, anyone to be proud of me, even if it was just my teachers. But here I am, on the verge of disappointing someone and ultimately getting fired with absolutely nothing to show for it. No relationship, nothing.

“Oh well, yes, they did bring me lunch but it was a surprise. I had no idea they would do something like that.” That doesn’t feel like a good enough explanation, but it’s all I have. “And we’ve been talking a little more because I’ve been tutoring Addie to help her with her speaking part in the Christmas program.”

“Ah yes, because she has dyslexia, right? Isn’t this something you already knew about? Her dyslexia?”

Really confused where she’s going with this, I respond. “Yes, of course I’m aware of the gaps in her learning.”

“So could one assume you concocted a difficult situation for Adeline wherein she would need tutoring and you would need to interact with her very single father more than necessary?” This is absolutely unreal. I know she’s not accusing me of taking advantage of a child for my own gain.

“Mrs. Johnston, I’m sorry if you think so little of my character that I would manipulate the struggles of a child for my own advantage, but you’re sorely mistaken. I’m sorry to be so brash.” I’ve turned to face her straight on and I’m barely keeping it together. How dare she. “I gave Adeline that part because it’s only going to challenge her, help her get better, and gain more confidence in herself. I had never even planned on tutoring her. That was at the insistence of her father.” I’m so angry now. I know my personality might not be the most bubbly, or most stern, or meet any type of exaggerated caricature, but one aspect of myself I take very seriously is my reputation. The only thing I’ve truly done for my own benefit is look at August which affected literally no one else.

“I see. I’d be careful, Ms. Jake. Information spreads quickly and you wouldn’t want to risk your job over a man like that.” Absolutely where does this woman get off talking about him like that? ‘A man like that’? Does she even know anything about August? I love teaching, but the more time I spend with him and Adeline, the more I would truly be willing to risk anything to stay with them both if it came to that. I don’t appreciate the heavy, threatening tone that Mrs. Johnston is throwing my way.

“Thank you for the warning, but it’s unnecessary. And I’d appreciate it if you refrain from speaking about one of my student’s parents in such a way. It’s unprofessional.” I turn and walk away before she can say anything else. I need to get as far across this gym from her as possible.

I won’t let someone insult August in my presence when they’re not even remotely close to the truth. August is a man worth everything. I probably shouldn’t have been so curt with my superior, but if she wants to fire me then we can take her prying, her threats, and her lack of professionalism to the school board and see which one of us is actually in the wrong.

I wrangle my class away from August’s crew so my kiddos can get some recess time and clean up before their parents pick them up. And to give his guys some time to actually get ahead of schedule like they were hoping to without the kids as distractions. I’m thankful they were all kind and patient enough to let my students spend some time learning from them today.