Page 45 of Chalk It Up

We won’t be doing a ton of regular classwork today because of the program so I want to make sure everything is going well and we can have another run through with the kids. We’ve been practicing pretty much every day even though the set wasn’t ready until last week. But the kids have been loving practicing on the full set and everyone seems ready to nail it.

I stand outside and greet the kids with a smile and not a single problem to be seen. Adult problems are not kid problems, and my job is to give them a classroom of comfort, not anxiety. I see August’s SUV and my heart flutters to life. But I tamp those butterflies way back down because I’m horrified to show any kind of emotion toward him and dig ourselves into a deeper hole. I have to make sure it doesn’t spill over to Addie though. August will understand the slight difference, but she won’t.

“Good morning, Addie.” I greet as she crosses my threshold. “Good morning, boys.” A group of wild boys rush into the room just past Addie.

“Good morning, Ms. Jake. I have a muffin for you.” She holds the delicious smelling baked good in her hand. “My dad baked them this morning. Can I put it on your desk?” I love these two so much it makes me sick. Who bakes muffins in the morning? And it looks like it’s wrapped in foil so it’s probably still warm.

“Of course, dear. That’s very thoughtful of you.” I’m glad she asked to put it on my desk rather than give it to me here in the open where the other teachers could potentially see it too. I’m really trying to mitigate all these potential risks before they even become a factor.

The bell rings and the kids settle down for their morning opener. I always have a journal prompt on the board for them and today’s prompt is what they’re most excited and most nervous about for the program tonight. I walk around trying to not read too intently over any of their shoulders, but I like to make myself available if they need help. Usually it’s with figuring out how to spell a word.

Most of them are nervous they’re going to mess up but they’re also excited for their parents to see. One sweet girl is nervous that her parents aren’t going to come and that just breaks my heart. I wish I could take all of these kids’ issues away from them. I saunter past Addie and notice her paper doesn’t say what she’s nervous about. I don’t usually pry on their journal prompts because I want them to feel free to write whatever they want without thinking someone is going to judge them, but I’m curious.

“How’s your daily journal coming along, Addie?”

“It’s great. I think I’m done! I’m so excited for tonight.” This is not the same girl who started practicing with me months ago. That girl was anxious, discouraged, and upset. I’m really proud of her growth. I can’t help but feel like I’m looking into a tiny mirror. Sure, my anxiety will be something that shadows me for the rest of my life most likely, but I don’t feel like the same anxious person I was a couple of months ago either.

“I’m so proud of all you’ve accomplished. Is there anything you’re nervous about for tonight?” I’m really expecting her to say she’s nervous about her lines since that’s what we’ve spent the last month and a half agonizing over together. But in a fun way.

“No way! You helped me so much! I got this!” Her confidence in herself is all I want from this job. Of course there are basics the kids need to learn, but if I can help them gain confidence in themselves, then they will really be able to learn and conquer anything simply because they believe that they can.

“You’re going to do amazing. I believe in you and can’t wait to see.” I’ve seen it plenty of times between her dining table and the set, but when you’re in the performance in real time, it’s all different. But I have no doubts she’s going to nail it.

After our journal prompt, I get all the kids lined up and we head over to the auditorium to do one last big rehearsal to see how the kids do. The program consists of my class and the other two second grade classes. Second grade seems to be the biggest in the school and has a lot of kids for such a small town.

We get everyone inside and in their spots when I feel a tingle down my spine. I turn around to find Mrs. Johnston staring daggers into me. I knew she would be here because obviously the principal is going to oversee something like this, but seeing her in person now guts me.

I never really liked her, but I respected her as my boss. But after that phone call she had with Larissa yesterday, respect is the least of emotions I feel toward her. I make sure to keep myself busy to avoid interacting with her. The set is top notch and the kids love it. They love telling each other about the different spots they worked on the day they helped August’s crew. Listening to all the kids is a welcome distraction from Mrs. Johnston.

Avoiding her only lasted so long because eventually she’s standing right next to me and it takes all of my self-control to not just swing at her and knock her lights out. But that definitely won’t help my case, so I keep the lively fantasy in my head and replay it for my own mental health.

“I hope you enjoy your last Christmas program.” I can’t believe she actually just threatened me out in the open.

“I don’t know what I ever did to make you hate me so much.” I want to tack on ‘I’m sorry.’ at the end of that sentence, but I’m working on that. I’m not sorry because I didn’t do anything wrong, so I’m not just going to say it to placate this woman. Growth.

“Honestly, it’s not you, honey.” I internally roll my eyes at the word honey because it’s anything but sweet. “You’re just collateral so I can keep my house rent free.” I think she’s jealous of me for some other reason too because her dislike of me goes way further back than when August and I started dating. It’s not worth bringing up at this point though. Half of the damage has already been done, I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I just hum back in acknowledgement.

“Well, if it’s my last one then I better get back to the kids and make sure it’s the best. Since it will be the best the school has done.” That one was a slight barb on her because she’s the one that’s always been in charge of the program. I choose to walk away at that point because there’s nothing else to say, especially in front of the kids, and I want to end it with the upper hand.

The rest of the practice goes perfectly and Mrs. Johnston went back to her office shortly after our interaction so that definitely made our time much more enjoyable. These kids are going to do incredible.

“Good job, everyone!” I clap and encourage the entirety of the school’s second grade classes. I take a spot close to center stage to address everyone.. “I know you all are going to do a fantastic job tonight. I’m cheering for each and every one of you. Please ask me or your teacher if you need help with anything and we’ll see you back here tonight at 6P.M.” The kids start moving into lines for their respective classes all while chatting with the other classes they only get to see during recess and the conversations sound mostly encouraging and helpful. There are a few students who poke fun, but I’m proud of the overall atmosphere the kids have created.

We get back into class just in time for everyone to grab their snack and head out to recess. Perfect timing because they’ve worked really hard this morning and need some wild running time. I don’t have recess duty today so I can take a moment to decompress with my iced coffee and my muffin which is miraculously still warm. It’s the little things in life, especially right now.

I pull off the foil and I’m greeted by the most mouth watering chocolate chocolate chip muffin I’ve ever seen. It melts in my mouth and I mull over my options for what to do next. I have to take things one at a time or I’m going to get overwhelmed and there’s no way I can allow myself an anxiety attack in my classroom. Not that I really have much control over them.

First and foremost, I’m definitely homeless. Thea is the best and only option at the moment, especially since Addie doesn’t know about me and her dad and we don’t want her to yet. Thea is temporary so I don’t have to look for a new place just yet. I’m content with that solution and table that for the time being.

Next, a job. It seems like Larissa and Lorraine are working fast so I’m sure they won’t waste any time telling the school board about me. I suppose I could become one of those online teachers. That might be nice. But I do like getting out of the house. Or I could get a job at August’s company. But that would definitely be nepotism and the last thing I need is to add more fuel to the fire, or give his company a bad reputation.

I open my laptop and start scrolling through online teaching jobs. It’s really not a horrible option and it can be as temporary as my living situation. I resign myself to both of these solutions and feel a little bit better. I just don’t want August to have to solve all of my problems for me.

The next issue we’re going to have to tackle is how and when to tell Addie about us. My fear is that the town is going to find out before we can tell her and she’s going to catch wind of it from her classmates since some adults can’t keep adult conversations away from little ears.

August and I are going to have to meet sometime after the Christmas program to really figure out how we’re going to move forward. If we’re going to at all. This is way messier than he signed up for.

chapter 31