Page 7 of Chalk It Up

I’ll always regret falling for my ex, but I’ll never regret Addie a day in my life. She may look like a carbon copy of her mom, but I thank my lucky stars everyday her personality is all her own.

I can try to be mad at Larissa all I want for choosing to live her city life and build her real estate empire rather than stay here and be a proper family, but at the end of the day, the only person I have to blame for allowing himself to be manipulated by her, is me. Truthfully, it sucks that Addie doesn’t have a mom figure in her life, but that might be better than the constant influence of her mother.

Larissa is as unsuspecting as a lamb, with her bright blonde hair and chocolatey brown doe eyes, but as cunning as a fox and as venomous as a snake. I just wish I had smartened up sooner.

There is something about seeing my little girl after a long day that helps put everything into a quick, blissful perspective, and helps me to stop thinking about her mom. Addie darts out of her nanny, Ms. Wilma's house, backpack smacking up and down on her back and her pigtails flying every which way. Note to self, get Ms. Wilma a nice Christmas gift for always making sure Addie’s hair is done well, because I’m hopeless. I genuinely try. I watch videos and tutorials and we practice, but it all just doesn’t connect in my brain. Wilma is great at picking up my slack.

Addie didn’t have school today because of conferences, but Wilma and I like to make sure she’s still getting some work in. Before she practically tackles me to the ground in a hug, I swoop her up and spin her around before tossing her onto my shoulders. We thank sweet, old Wilma for her time and head home for dinner. Ms. Wilma always insists she can make us something, but cooking is therapeutic and I love the evenings I get to spend with just the two of us. Well…six. But the dogs have their own food.

Addie fills the short drive home with stories of lakeside adventures with imaginary mermaids, pirates who hunt for treasure, bears and cold oatmeal, and a vivid description of the gorgeous flowers she picked for Ms. Wilma from her own yard. It sounds like I might need to go over and do some landscaping for her now. I hang onto every word out of my daughter’s mouth. I may hate listening to most everyone else talk, but she is music to my ears. The other person I might enjoy listening to speak is Ms. Jake. I had to keep cutting her off during the conference because her voice soothes me in a way that I can’t let myself get used to or attached to. I kept glancing up at her and thought I was being stealthy about it, but I’m pretty sure she caught me a few times. The energy between us feels strangely natural even though our interactions have been so minimal.

Addie and I pull up to our white farmhouse with its wrap-around porch, tucked into the side of the lake. It is grossly too big for just the two of us, but my parent’s built it once Von Logging took off so I make sure to keep it in the family. I know they dreamt of having it full of their kids, grandkids, and the greatest core memories. I love our home but the dead hopes of what could’ve been haunt me every day that I darken the door, but my parents don’t. During the time Larissa and I were together, she talked me into moving out and into her place on the other side of town, closer to the rental properties she has there. Like the puppy I was, I followed cheerfully, not realizing all her treats were laced with poison.

“So, what was your favorite part of today, Ads?” I question while moving my food around on my plate. My mood is the highest it’s been all day, but I can’t seem to find the appetite I should have after being on trails all day. I know who I want to blame, but I refuse to let my mind think of the woman that read me the riot act, with her deep blue eyes that drove right into my broken soul.

“Hmmm…I think,” her childlike musings are some of my favorite parts of our conversations. Her little seven year old brain is working so hard and it's astounding to me to watch her become her own little person. “Jumping off the dock and having Ms. Wilma watch!”

Addie is a fantastic swimmer, I made sure of it since the town surrounds the lake, but knowing Ms. Wilma couldn’t do much to save Addie always makes me nervous. Thankfully it’s been unseasonably warm or she wouldn’t be able to swim this late into the year.

“I’m glad, Ads! Just make sure you jump out and stay close to the dock, okay? Ms. Wilma can’t run as fast as daddy if you need her.” I warn while she shoves a spoonful of mashed potatoes into her mouth.

“I know, daddy.” She mumbles through a mouth full of food.

Cleaning the dinner dishes is always a team event for us and I’d say ninety-eight percent of the time it's perfect. I start packing away leftovers into lunch containers for us for tomorrow and Addie starts rinsing the dishes so I can load them in the dishwasher.

“Daddy, do you think we have enough food to pack a lunch for Ms. Jake?” Her request halts me, and all the oxygen immediately leaves my body. I steady myself on the counter and inhale slowly because I must not have heard her right. Did she just ask me to pack lunch for the gorgeous teacher who’s been invading my thoughts for the last few months, but more notably the last ten hours?

“Sweetie, I think Ms. Jake probably has a lunch that she packs.” Her name feels like sawdust on my tongue but somehow tastes of the peaches she smells like. We’re talking about lunch. For her teacher. What is wrong with me?

“She does bring lunch to school, but I think it’s only those yucky bars like you eat sometimes after you come inside from the garage. The ones with chocolate but they don’t taste like yummy chocolate.” Does Evangeline really eat protein bars for lunch? There’s no way she makes it through an entire teacher’s day on just a protein bar. Addie has to be wrong, but something in my gut doesn’t want to risk her being right. It’s not my responsibility to make sure this grown woman is fed. But now that the potential of that information being true is in my mind, I’ll never escape feeling like I need to rectify it.

“Yeah Ads, I can pack her something.” I promise, while scrubbing my face. It’s fine. Stop working yourself into a lather. Addie bounds off happily to let the dogs out of their kennels while I’m left to finish both our portions of the dishes. Like I said, ninety-eight percent of the time.

We spend our evening outside on our acreage, throwing sticks in the lake for the dogs to retrieve. I always tell myself “just one more foster” but it’s never just one and they never end up being a foster. We get the dogs dried up and inside, Addie’s bath and storytime are done. Tucking her into bed each night is more emotional for me than it should be. With my parents gone, time is such a prevalent concept in my mind. It goes too fast, we never have enough, and it’s over quicker than we expect. I know every night I put her down to bed, she wakes a little older and needing me a little less.

“Goodnight, bug. Sweet dreams.” I whisper to her from the door.

“Goodnight, daddy. Sweeter dreams.” I blow her a kiss and she catches it and sets it on her cheek. I close her door behind me and walk into my ensuite to get my shower going. I desperately need to wash off all the feelings from today and the grime from staying out too long in the forest.

The bathroom steams and I step under the spray, letting my shoulders and jaw relax. I dip my head back to let the water run down and over my face.

Mentally checking off everything I need to do tomorrow, I remember Ms. Jake is going to send home some copies that I need to drop off for Addie’s doctor on the way home. Maybe I’ll go to Addie’s class myself after school and grab the file and the lunch container. I tell myself it’s so Addie doesn’t misplace them, but I know now that I want more time with Evangeline.

chapter 5

Evie

Iced coffee in hand, I’m excited for a new day. Yesterday is gone and the happy face is on. I’m standing outside greeting my kids as they walk in the classroom and I wave bye to the parents as they rush off to start their days. I recognize all of my parents’ cars so when that familiar SUV pulls up and a precious blonde girl bounds out of the backseat, my stomach flips into my throat and my knees feel like they’re made of jelly. She throws open the front passenger door to give her dad a kiss and say goodbye and my heart melts at seeing August with a genuine smile on his face. It’s so beautiful and sincere, and a tragedy he doesn’t do it more often.

That smile lasts for just a split second. His eyes shoot up and meet mine, and his smile is instantly gone while Addie slams the door closed and races in my direction. My throat is suddenly dry and I can’t swallow a decent amount of saliva to survive. My sweaty palms threaten to drop my coffee but I just drop my eyes instead, blushing for looking just a second too long at August.

“Ms. Jake! Ms. Jake! I have lunch for you!” I’m thoroughly thrown off by her words that I’m sure I must have scrambled them in my brain, but I can’t rationalize what else she could have possibly said.

“Good morning, Addie!” She finally reaches me instead of yelling across the grass. “What was it you said?” I need confirmation that there is not in fact a gourmet lunch waiting for me in her bag.

She yanks her backpack off and pulls out an insulated container that has built-in utensils along with a sandwich bag of napkins. This has to be a joke. She hands the contents over to me. Okay, so this isn’t a joke. I feel like a deer in the headlights. I get the feeling someone is watching me, and that there’s probably a particular SUV still sitting there in the drop-off line, watching this exchange.

“My daddy packed you a lunch!” she cheers proudly pulling her backpack on and running into the room. I glance back over to the drop-off line, but his car is gone and I’m left feeling more emotions than I know what to do with.