Page 74 of Never Too Late to Date

It was so much easier to talk when you didn’t have to look each other in the eye. Vicky kicked off her shoes without letting go of Suzie’s hand.

‘Let’s go barefoot.’

‘If you like.’

The warm sand cushioned and soothed their feet as they made their way along the bay. Vicky had been told that later in the summer it would be too hot to walk on the sand, so she was going to make the most of it while she could. A deep breath helped her find the courage to speak. Her heart hammered in her chest and beat in her ears. She only hoped her tactic would work.

‘I don’t know if you’ll find this helpful in the least, and if not, just ignore it, but I wanted to tell you my story. The story of why I understand that absolute need to protect your child at all costs.’

Suzie stopped dead and turned to face her.

‘No, let’s carry on, please. I find it easier to speak when I’m moving.’

‘OK.’

A few steps further on, and the words came pouring out of her.

‘There’s no easy way to say this either, but I stayed in an abusive, unhappy marriage for far too long because I was terrified of what my husband might do to us if I tried to leave with our daughter.’

It felt great to say it out loud. She’d never really had a friend she’d been able to confide in about the state of her marriage. Her parents had guessed some of it, although she’d vehemently denied everything, and Angeliki had definitely had an inkling, but as she lived in a different country by then, she’d been easy to fob off.

‘Like you, I felt I’d failed too, because I’d picked such a prize prat. There were numerous danger signs before we married, and even a couple of his friends warned me off him. But I wouldn’t listen. I was a thirty-five-year-old woman who was desperate to have a baby and settle down. I kidded myself that he was the one. Our hormones have a lot to answer for.’

Vicky attempted a smile, but she could see the shock etched on her friend’s face. It might seem like a strange gameplan, but she wanted to let Suzie know she wasn’t the only one who could mess up in style.

‘It was all sweetness and light at first. To the outside world, Ian was charming, rather too charming for his own good, charm he was happy to use on other women and men at the drop of a hat. But behind closed doors, he was a different person. It started with little things: questioning where I’d been and who I was with all the time, and not wanting people to come to the house. Later, it evolved into criticising everything I said and did, until I started to believe what he said about me being a useless nurse, a bad cook, rubbish in bed and unattractive. You name it; the list is endless.’

A hand reached for hers. Suzie’s voice was faint but full of care.

‘But surely you knew deep down it was all nonsense?’

‘In theory, yes, but it’s so hard to explain to someone who hasn’t been through it, the agonisingly slow loss of everything you thought you knew, of your very identity. I’d come from a loving home, and I had no idea what I was letting myself in for.’

Vicky put up her hands.

‘You make yourself as still and small as possible to deflect the hurt and the anger. A day without conflict becomes a day of peace, and peace becomes your only aim. Anything more seems impossible.’

Suzie grabbed her hand again.

‘Did you think about leaving?’

‘Constantly, and I almost made it out of there a few times in the early days. But I was too proud to admit I’d made such a huge mistake, and that’s on me.’

Suzie squeezed her hand hard.

‘I can relate to that.’

‘It wasn’t all bad. There were some good times too; I can’t pretend there weren’t. And weirdly, for all his criticisms of me and my body, there was never a problem in the bedroom. That was definitely the high point of his skill set.’

Her bitter laugh went out to sea with the wind.

‘But when I got pregnant, any thoughts of leaving went out the window. As soon as I saw my baby’s face, I truly fell in love for the first time in my life, and I knew I’d do anything I could to protect her. I was a nurse, a medical professional, and I honestly thought I could change him. Some hope.’

Suzie’s worried face looked up at her.

‘Was he ever violent?’

There was no point varnishing the truth now.