Page 60 of Shadowing You

He crouched right in front of her, his eyes rimmed in red. He gently took one of her hands. “I’m so sorry.” His voice was rough. “I was a jerk last night.”

“You were.”

“I’m sorry. I just… It’s a lot, and I’m scared. I just want you to be safe, and⁠—”

“So you couldn’t sleep beside me? Because you’re scared? If something happens to me today, will you be sorry tomorrow⁠—?”

“Don’t do that.” He reared back, dropping her hand, horror in his eyes. “I can’t think about… You don’t understand.”

“Then explain it to me.”

He shifted to his knees and pushed up on them. He was so tall that, though she sat in a chair and he knelt on the floor, they were at eye level. “I love you. Whatever I’m doing, however I’m acting, I need you to know that. I love you, Mei Lin. I have loved you every day.”

A lump settled in her throat and strangled her words.

He took her hand again, spinning the loose rings on her finger with his thumb. “I just got you back, and I keep thinking… I can’t stop thinking about how I might not have.” He swallowed. “I grieved you. And then you called me, and I thought it was a hoax, someone trying to swindle me, and I didn’t even care. I was willing to send the money and drop everything and get on a plane, all for that hope that it might really be you.”

She hadn’t considered that. He’d thought she was dead, yet he’d come anyway.

He held her hand against his chest. “I can’t believe how blessed we are to have this second chance. And…I’m sorry, but… The fact that you’re willing to walk back into that hospital, that you would put yourself at risk again, put us at risk again, it terrifies me. And also, it feels like you don’t appreciate what we have. That you don’t appreciate what you’re risking.”

“I know. Of course I know.” Her tears came again. “I never wanted…” Her throat clogged, and she pressed her fingers to her lips. “If I could go back and not see what I saw.” Her voice was high and squeaky, but she needed him to understand. “If I could not know what I knew, not learn what I learned… I spent six years regretting everything, even if I had been trying to do the right thing. All I wanted was to go back and close my eyes and pretend. If I could give those years back to you, I would. I would give anything to have that time back.”

“I know.”

“Ethan, I am so sorry.”

He pulled her against his chest, and she settled there, gripping his too-starched shirt, wondering if she’d ruined her marriage, the best gift God had ever given her.

“Don’t apologize for doing the right thing.” His voice rumbled in his chest. “You wouldn’t be the woman I fell in love with if you hadn’t followed up with those women. I know that, and I love that about you. It doesn’t change how I feel.”

“I tried to do the right thing, and I thought…” She backed away to face him. “I thought I’d get away with it. I was certain the Lord would protect me.”

But He hadn’t.

Or…she supposed God had protected her—she was still alive, after all, and out of prison—but that certainly wasn’t what she’d expected.

“The last thing I want is to go back to the hospital.” She searched Ethan’s eyes but couldn’t read his emotions. “I have to do this. It’s the only way we’ll ever be able to have the life we dreamed of. Otherwise, Lu Feng will always be looking for me.”

Ethan angled back so he could see her. “I know what’s at stake. I get it. But yesterday, it felt easier to be angry with you than to think about what might happen today.” He released a breath. “It’s not rational. It’s only that…” He closed his eyes. “I can’t bear the thought of losing you again.”

Before she could think of a response, he skimmed the tender skin just below her jaw with his lips.

It was the lightest of kisses, barely a brush, but it lit a fire that heated her to her toes. She leaned in, hungry for more.

But he backed away, then stood. “Time for breakfast.” His words were too loud, too enthusiastic for the small space, and too casual for the mood he’d just created. He held out his hand to her. “Upsie-daisy.”

“What is…upsie?”

Chuckling, he wiggled his fingers. “It’s just an expression. Come on.”

Her husband’s moods were shifting faster than storm winds, from angry to tender to intimate to…breakfast?

She couldn’t keep up.

Mei Lin didn’t follow her husband into the kitchen. Instead, she slipped into the bedroom, then the attached bathroom, needing to collect herself and think. She’d planned to ask him about the last six years, but the conversation had taken a different turn. A few different turns, leaving her off-balance.

She didn’t understand this man she’d married and yearned for, this man who acted like he wanted to be with her, then ran away.