Page 145 of Winter Gods & Serpents

“Nia, enough with this madness,” Cai called from the back, worriedly extending his arm towards her.

“It can help them, they can. Adriatians are connected the most to the spiritual and the heavens, they can help them and,” she stopped, her brows pinched together in worry, “and you Snow, they can help you. It doesn’t have to be this hard to sleep, eat, breathe, or mutter the name of your mother. You don’t have to suffer because you think you need to be punished—that is not punishment, it is torture.”

Disbelief, I shook my head in disbelief at her ridiculous words. “Oh no dear, they will not help anyone and certainly not me. What makes you think I want their spirits gone,” I admitted to her. “I want them here, even if I am to drag them around for years to come, they will be present to witness my wrath unleashed, my vengeance and hunger satiated. I want pain and I want anger; I want torture.” I was inches away from her face. Inches away from blasting.

Her expression dropped disappointed, and her head shook slightly in denial. “Please, you do not mean that,” she pleaded softly, but the damage had already been done, she had already hurt me.

A laugh left my throat, my subconscious refused to let this go. “You thought I would pull away didn’t you, that I would regret my plans. Didn’t you?” my shouts pierced the air, and she flinched back.

Her eyes dropped down to the floor, full of the truths she had not revealed to me. She really had thought it. All these years, and she had said…nothing. “Every step you take in that direction, it feels like I am losing you,” she murmured, gathering arms around herself.

“Nia, I’ve lost myself long ago.”

“Not like this. You are not your anger and revenge and what has happened to you. You are so much more and so beautiful and so kind, and I’ve known that person for so little, but I love that person and you have taken it away from me.”

“I am nothing, beyond that I am nothing. They keep me alive—I am alive because of them.”

“That doesn’t mean you are living.”

“I have no desire of that, and you knew that a plenty. Now, since you seem so connected to your roots lately you could just tell me, what am I feeling? What do my shadows say about all of this, since you’ve failed to understand my words before.” I didn't mean to reveal her to the Adriatians, but my judgment was in flames of hurt, I regret those words the second they left my mouth.

“Nothing, Snow, you feel nothing,” Nia’s hard words took me back a bit, she had always known what I felt. Nothing, she said, yet my breath hurt at how tight my chest welled in what I felt. Wasn’t it so frustrating to tell someone how you felt torn by a thousand blades, yet they would never truly understand?

“Take the rest of the Adriatian dogs and leave, all of you, now,” I ordered coldly and full of spite.

She waited a while, expression wide on hope that I still had time to take them back. Given up she left.

“I cannot bark it for you two,” I said towards the Adriatians.

Kilian turned to Mal and nodded prompting him to leave, but he stood back silently just looking at me. I never knew what went in his stupid head, his features were as giving as a white canvas. “I meant for you too Kilian, I am in no mood for your games. Go, it’s an order.”

He neared, guiding my arms through the sleeves of the jacket. “You seem to have no problem doing so with your friends, those you call your family. But you do not order me, Princess, you never will. You run that mouth so loosely and so hurtfully, just because you are angry does not mean you can treat even those surrounding you like they are deserving of your anger.” His calm features were flaring in a new sort of ire that I had never seen upon them. He tugged the sides of the jacket tight before beginning to button them one by one. “She is worried, seeing you every night suffer the way you do, just because you like to self-destruct does not mean others enjoy watching you do so.”

How dare he? “You speak as though you care, has she softened your little barbarian heart?” I asked approaching him. My finger touched his chest in threat pointing to his heart, terribly loud, beating paces of war hooves. First Nia protects this bastard and goes against all that I stand for, all I thought she as well stood for. Then he recites those venomous words with such grace to protect her as well. Had Nia been so concerned for my well-being she would have told, consulted, and made known to me how she was feeling. I did not read minds and she had never been one to keep these sorts of things from me, but she chose the least appropriate moment, not only to reveal my fears in front of them but to spread mud on top of my family’s memory.

“You have such odd ways of turning the situation to your liking, even if she had as you say, it doesn’t change the truth, the one you are finding hard to swallow,” he spat, gently pulling my locks from under the jacket over my shoulder. “The truth that you are confused about your choices, that the second you allow yourself to see past your anger you forget of them. As if…as if you can forget them. You are afraid of forgetting and letting them go, holding onto this as excuse, holding onto pain as excuse.”

I had allowed his words to hit me, I hurt at them as if he had truly punctured me with his steel. He did not know me, why I was allowing this bastard to take such powerful swings at me?

“You know of nothing, Kilian, nothing.” My voice broke to my disbelief. I swallowed that choking feeling behind my throat. Even the one who I thought as my sister knew nothing, everyone knew nothing, gods and heavens knew nothing.

His eyes slightly dropped, silver sparkles halting. “I know of one thing, Snow, she cares for you. And whatever she did, she did for you and whatever is broiling in that head of yours, things sometimes are as simple as heard. Do not complicate them by rolling your anger and emotions on top, do not become them,” he said in a softer tone, almost in a plea, but it was still as cold as the ground surrounding us.

“I will do what I please.”

“How long can you fight them for, how long can you torture yourself fighting them?”

“You’d rather I succumb to them?” I shouted, my jaw tight in anger. “I bet you’d love to take back a broken, weeping, fragile little princess. She would be so much easier to tame, torture and kill.”

He moved quick cupping my face, his eyes piercing through mine. His fingers tangled between my hair and he breathed loud. “There will be no need to tame, torture and kill you, it seems you’re doing a perfect job of that yourself.”

“Good for you then. How happy you must be.”

He swallowed, tension circling his features, he was breathing furiously almost panting, his face not inches away from mine. I couldn’t not read him. I wanted to read him. “Miserable Snow, it makes me miserable. So I suppose good for you, how happy must it make you. At least now you might feel a bit of happiness however grim, unearthly, and strange it is. Because you will find every reason in this realm to deny yourself real happiness, because you are too scared it might make you forget your revenge. But Snow, pick your sacrifices wisely. Revenge is a bargain, you might be willing to trade your soul for it, but you also have people that love you and they don’t see the shattering or the pieces because they still make the whole you. They love you—love you however you are. You told me is it worth living as such, but I want to ask you, are you ready to lose them for it?”

He had silenced me for a while, before I gathered all the voice I had left to ask, “This your plea for me to give up?”

He moved his thumb over my eyes to remove the snowflakes coating my lashes. “This is my plea for you to pick your bargains, that pretty little soul of yours might be worth more than you’re selling. Broken can be mended in a thousand beautiful ways.”