Page 190 of Winter Gods & Serpents

Chapter 34

Spring and Them

Kilian

I had been pacing back and forth for an hour now. The sight of them repeating on a loop with purpose to affect me. It bothered me beyond that I could control. She had the right to do whatever she wanted, to toy or even like him beyond her plans, it was her right. For hours I had tried to embed these thoughts in my head, that my reaction was wrong, that I had no reason to feel this gnawing on my insides, that she was not mine.

“You will wear your soles and brains out at this point, Kilian,” Nia said, dragging my attention back to my surroundings. She was always so calm it bothered me. Should she not be worried about leaving that Isjordian fool with Snow. Or was it the opposite?

“She cannot dismiss us like that, no matter her intentions and infatuations with him. He is her father’s soldier and a lusting idiot,” I finally blurted out, sending her in giggles.

“What is it that you worry about, that he will kill her or bed her?” Her shadows danced in amusement. Again I did not know either what I was worrying about. Nia had taken enough of a response already. Her grin grew wider when I did not answer and she pointed her finger around me, over my shadows. “Instead of taunting one another, teasing and flirting and then back to fighting from all the frustration you are causing—put an end to it and tell her…the truth.”

My head dropped at the remembrance of the promise I’d made myself—to never tell her. “Nia, I…I can’t.”

I couldn’t tell her that she drove me mad when she ate at the speed of wind and worried me when she walked barefooted most of the time. That she made me laugh when she rampaged the library at the hopes of finding a romantic book then complained for hours to Pen at the ridiculous cliches she had read. That she soothed me when she hummed the same melody of that folk song every night, readying for sleep. That she made me flush in heat when she spun in front of me every morning to show me her dress. That she annoyed me when she insisted her moves where right when she played chess with Mal and Ken, despite them not making sense. That it puzzled me how she scratched and wiggled in frustration at her dresses but still wore them as if they had come with her. That she impressed me at how the sight of cod terrified her but monsters far scarier were her playthings. That it surprised me how she stole glances over her friends as if she wanted to know if they were alright when she was suffering all the same. That her smile made me smile, that her pain made me hurt, that I was beginning to match our breaths every time we saw each other and that my guilt had opened a hole on my chest every time I had seen beyond her actions. How could I tell her that I had to dig my feet on the ground from running and gathering her in my arms at every moment of the day. How could I tell her that I was so scared of losing her when I could not have her. How could I tell her, forgive me for I am the one you hate the most, but you make me feel like no one has ever made me feel before—to forgive me for I was so selfish to forget who I was. How could I tell her that I didn’t deserve her, but I wanted her nonetheless.

“Kilian, trust me. What is worse, never telling her or her knowing? Tell her,” Nia called me out of my thoughts, planting a hand on my arm.

“Tell me what? You two plotting how to deceive me again?” Snow’s nectarine voice filled the room. She leaned against the door frame, arms crossed and with a satisfied grin. I almost let out a sigh of relief at her return.

Nia chucked a russet velvet pillow at her. “I should have been doubtful when you insisted to come to Arynth instead of Kirkwall, despite the crafter being nearer there. A warning would have been nice. Do you have any idea how stupid I must have looked when I saw Elias and heard you squeal in that ridiculous tone? Which by the way was very well done,” Nia said and they both laughed.

Her plans had taken both of us aback. The trip to Arynth had finally gotten to fix their relationship, for that I was grateful.

“Two birds, one stone,” Snow said proudly, throwing the pillow back. “Nia, would you see how the process with the crafter is going, I need a moment with him.” She pointed her head to me.

“Do it,” Nia whispered going past me before leaving.

“Did you get what you needed from Elias?” I asked before I realized my mouth had betrayed me. I did not care what had happened with him, yet I became a fool by my own doing.

“I did, and if you would like to know, it was done just like how I promised I would.”

“Snow, I did not mean,” I closed my eyes, angry at my own words. “I didn't mean it like that, forgive me.”

Her eyes softened surveying me and a pleasant smile grew on her lips. “You knew my plans and methods, you have to make peace with them however they unfolded.” Pacing around uncomfortably in circles and squares about the room she finally took a seat by the fireplace. “I am sorry for this morning, at breakfast. I did not realize I’d held you, let alone that tight…to hurt you.” She stood toward me, and took my hand between hers examining the small scratches atop.

“You do not need to apologize, Snow, because I was the one that held you not the other way around.”

She frowned somewhat confused. “What? Why did you?”

When she faded away to sleep, in that moment for a split second I had felt darkness surround her. Not emotion, just pure darkness, pure nightmares and terror. The sheer size of ache, fear and pain measuring that of a battle, even Mal who sat away had felt it.

“When I touched you I drew you out from what you were feeling, I emptied your emotional state into me.” Which had resulted in my stomach retching all its contents after breakfast. I drew the panic, fear, pain, frustration, and longing out of her. I felt all that she had felt when she drifted away to sleep but in a more extenuated and physical form.

“Why would you do that?” She was angry and upset, her voice almost broke. “I was seeing her, and you brought me out, you made her disappear.”

“You were drowning in what you were feeling, whoever or whatever you were seeing, I could not have you lost in it.”

Her eyes set aflame as she took a step back from me. “That is for me to decide, you understand, for me to decide if I get lost, hurt or go mad. Only for me to decide.”

“Snow, do you understand how hard it is to watch you decide and become like that? I told you I will not stand by and watch you self-destruct.”

“That seems to be your problem, Kilian, not mine.”

“It is, but you see little Princess, it is only for now. I will drag and take you out every time I even remotely feel you drown yourself in those sick emotions, and then I will make it your problem as well,” my voice cold, I had not meant for it to be, not to her.

She looked furious. “Why…why do you care or act like you do?”