Page 76 of On Your Knees

I take a deep breath. “There’s a journalist. He’s been after me and Ruby, others too probably. It’s not unusual. The church is very public and megachurches are controversial.” Levi’s face is carefully neutral, so I go ahead and say it. “They’re disgusting.”

His lips tug. “It was very weird to watch.”

My mind blanks for a second. I didn’t think about him watching. I didn’t think about how he must have been, to have come that day. Millions of people were watching as I walked out. Only one, though, came to help me.

And I was fucking awful to him.

“Levi…”

His expression gets soft. He can tell that I’m trying to say something difficult. Patrick was right that Levi is perceptive, and he’s getting more so as he feels more secure. His personality isn’t changing, but it is expanding, like he’s starting to realize that he’s allowed to take up space. But in taking up space, he gives it right back.

Everything that’s happened in the past week or so, and everything that happened in his life before I met him, would make most people curl up small and tight inside and would leave them harsh and cruel on the outside. Like me. But Levi…

He’s so damn resilient. He comes through everything stronger.

And he fights for things. He takes risks. I doubt he sees himself that way, but I see it. It was obvious when he accepted my original offer to pose. It was obvious, too, when he came to find me at the church.

But I threw it back at him.

“When you came to the church—” For a moment, that’s as far as I can get, but Levi just waits, giving me space to figure things out. “It means a lot to me that you did that. I know that when you ran to me, you ran straight into a brick wall. There was nothing for you to get to and no one for you to help because I wasn’t… I wasn’t there, I guess. But I know that’s what you wanted to do. Help.”

Levi’s eyes are full of emotion, but he’s still holding space. His lips press slightly, agreeing, acknowledging, but that’s all.

“So what I’m trying to say is… thank you. For doing that. For me.”

He frowns slightly. He looks down at the sketchbook, which is resting on his knee, but I don’t think he’s really looking at it.

He says, “I wish I’d known what to do.”

“There was nothing you could’ve done.”

“What was happening? Why was it hard for you to be there?”

“Just the space. Associations.”

“You mean with your dad?” At my flinch, Levi asks, “You don’t want him called that?”

“Paul and Ruby were never my parents.”

“But… didn’t they adopt you?”

“Everything is a set piece for the Castles.”

Levi frowns. “I don’t understand what that means.”

“It was for show. They couldn’t have children, but a pastor can’t be childless. So they saved me. I was quiet. Mostly nonverbal at that point. Paul chose me. For display.”

I feel upset because I feel like I’m not being honest. Paul did want me. He did love me. But his love was so complicated and painful, and I don’t know how to talk about it.

Levi asks, “You don’t feel like they really wanted you?”

That’s exactly the problem. That’s exactly what I don’t know how to talk about.

I squeeze my eyes shut as images start flashing. Paul, smiling at me. Paul, pulling off my T-shirt because I got juice on it. Paul, sitting in the bathroom with me because I was scared to get in the bathtub.

He did want me. He did care about me. And yet…

“Ethan.”