Page 77 of On Your Knees

My eyes pop open.

Levi says firmly, “We don’t have to talk about it. It’s okay.”

“I murdered him,” I blurt out. “Paul. During one of our sessions.”

I don’t know why I say it. I don’t feel like it’s even a conscious decision. It just happens, like it falls out through the cracks in me.

Levi is stunned of course. He stares at me.

I wait for him to close the space he’s been holding open for me. I wait for his eyes to harden, for him to withdraw.

But he says, “Sessions?”

“Prayer sessions.”

“What happened?”

“I stabbed him six times.”

“Ethan—”

“I told you you’re not safe with me.”

I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know why I’ve gone cold or why I seem to have no control over my words. I don’t know why I’m destroying everything.

But that’s exactly what I’m doing, and I can’t seem to stop myself.

I stand up and walk out. Levi calls my name, but he doesn’t come after me.

Of course he doesn’t.

TWENTY-SIX

Levi

I’m still sitting on the couch trying to process what Ethan said when I hear a car. I get up and go to the window, thinking someone is coming, but it’s Ethan, leaving.

I run to the front door and out onto the porch, but the Porsche is too far away to even yell at. He’s almost at the gate. I run back inside for my phone, which is charging in the entryway—next to Ethan’s.

I race down the narrow hallway and through the kitchen, whipping open the patio doors to see Patrick running across the driveway.

He halts in surprise at the sight of me. “Where the hell is he going?”

“I don’t know! He just—I didn’t—” When Patrick pulls his phone from his back pocket, I shout, “He doesn’t have his phone!”

“Goddamn it! And you have no idea where he’s going? What happened, Levi? What’s going on?”

I don’t know how to go into what happened, or if I even should, so I stutter, “Um—we were talking—”

“Never mind!” Patrick turns and runs to the garage and punches in a code. The door rolls up, and Patrick races inside to get in the Mercedes.

He backs out fast, spraying rock as he swings the car around. My brain is working too slowly. It’s not until he’s driving away that I realize I should have gone with him.

Shit!

I stand there for a long time like something’s going to happen, but neither car comes back. Eventually, I go back inside and sit at the kitchen table. Then I pop up and race into the pantry, yanking open the drawer. A huge breath eases out of me when I see that the gun is still there.

I close the drawer and go to check my phone, but I still don’t have Patrick’s number. Ethan’s phone chimes with a text alert, flashing up a preview on the lock screen. I catch Ruby’s name and You need to something before it’s gone behind the lock screen.