Page 50 of Christmas, Actually

‘Let me know if you find anything.’ Liam didn’t sound hopeful. ‘Jenny, please could you take Charlie to ask Joe if he’s got any more ideas about where to look?’

He waved towards the magician who was now searching his way through the lower shelves in the shop – upending hats and boxes and moving everything aside. ‘I need to have a quick talk with Mrs Christmas.’ Liam gave Clara a tight smile and her insides tensed.

She knew what was coming before Liam even spoke, could feel the pinch of rejection, the knowledge that she wasn’t enough. She held her breath as Liam waited until Jenny and Charlie were no longer within hearing distance before he turned to look at her. ‘Please don’t—’ She couldn’t bear it.

‘I’m sorry,’ Liam said, his voice low.

‘It’s not you it’s me, is that it?’ she shot back, suddenly furious. She’d spent a lifetime feeling like she wasn’t enough. This man was the first person – aside from Eleanor – who’d made her feel like she mattered and now he was going to reject her too. But for the first time in her life Clara was going to allow herself to feel annoyed. Hadn’t Liam been the one to encourage her to express her feelings?

‘I suppose.’ He gazed at his feet. ‘I can’t do this,’ he said softly. ‘I can’t let myself have feelings for you and I definitely can’t let Charlie care for you. Just look how he’s reacting to Figgy disappearing.’ He shook his head. ‘It’s probably too late. He’s going to be hurt when you leave, but if I can just nip this thing in the bud now…’

Clara went cold. It was everything she’d been terrified to hear, and having him say the words was just as bad as she’d imagined. How was this so easy for him? ‘Why would you want to, because I’m not right for you?’ she challenged.

‘That’s nothing to do with it, Clara,’ Liam said, his eyes firing. ‘You’re everything anyone could want.’ His voice was tight.

‘Then I don’t understand.’ Liam was the first man she’d given her whole heart to and now he was handing it back.

He swallowed, a great gulping breath, and glanced over at Jenny and Charlie who were talking to Joe. ‘I can’t risk Charlie getting involved with you.’

‘Because of Mia?’ Tears flooded her eyes, but she wasn’t going to give in to them. ‘Because you want to give it another try?’ Of course he did. It all made sense now.

‘No!’ he said. ‘Charlie was telling the truth. Mia left.’ His expression hardened, all those soft edges Clara had once imagined had fled and she barely recognised him.

‘Which means what – that I’m going to leave too?’ she asked, surprised.

Liam shoved his hands into the pockets of his Mr Christmas suit. ‘Be honest, Clara, you’re going to follow Hudson to New York.’ He sighed. ‘It’s only a matter of time.’

‘Is it? Because that’s not what I’m planning at all.’ She frowned as her mind whirred. ‘I know what you’re doing. It’s easier to push people away. You think I’m going to hurt you, so you’re going to hurt me first. Is that it?’ It was the only thing that made sense, he hadn’t let anyone in his life since Mia had left.

‘No,’ Liam’s voice hardened.

‘You’ve kept your brother at arm’s length, refused to even speak to him because it’s easier than facing what happened. You won’t forgive because it’ll make you vulnerable.’ Now she saw it was difficult to unsee. ‘Now you’ve decided I’m going to leave because that’s the only way you’re not going to get hurt. You’re running, Liam,’ Clara accused, forcing herself to confront him, to say the words she could hardly believe. This wasn’t the man she’d begun to fall for…

‘Am I?’ Liam sounded annoyed. ‘Didn’t Hudson just come and see you? You may think you don’t want to forgive him, but Clara, we both know you will.’ His eyes flashed. ‘At some point being with me will get boring. Eventually, you won’t want to parent my son or live a life that’s more about washing up than going out for fancy meals in New York.’ He blinked. ‘What’ll happen when your mother tells you that you’ve settled for too little and you decide she’s right? You’ll leave and I’ll be left with a broken heart and worse, a broken son.’

Clara stared at him, shocked. ‘You really think I’d do that?’ Didn’t he know her at all?

‘You left Hudson, didn’t you,’ he said dully. ‘And you’ve allowed your mother to dictate the way you feel about yourself. Those things don’t change overnight. Maybe they never will.’

The words hit because Clara knew Liam was right. She had allowed her mother to control what she did, who she loved and how she viewed herself. Had only just begun to realise it – but she was trying to change. Couldn’t he see that, or didn’t he care?

‘You’re afraid,’ she whispered, caught between wanting to shake him and wanting to help him to understand. ‘I get why – but how long are you going to keep avoiding getting close to people? When are you going to stop ignoring your pain and allow yourself to move on?’

Liam frowned. ‘With you?’ He shook his head. ‘You were just a dream, Clara.’ His eyes shone. ‘A dream I can’t have.’ The words hit like arrows and she swayed on her feet. ‘Go back to New York. Make Hudson work for you.’ He pinched his lips and she saw a hint of something in his eyes. ‘But… don’t accept less than you deserve.’

Clara licked her lips and tasted heartbreak. ‘You’re right about one thing,’ she said tearfully. ‘I do deserve better than this.’ She heard Liam’s sharp intake of breath. Had she hurt him? No – he didn’t want her. She’d imagined his feelings, or he just didn’t want to have any feelings. Either way, it didn’t matter now.

What Clara did know is she didn’t belong here. She needed to go back to New York. Perhaps she could try and see if things would be different with Hudson? Why not? Her chest ached at the idea of leaving, but it was the only way. She couldn’t stay here with all the memories of Liam. It would break her heart all over again.

‘Fine. I’ll go, but not until we’ve found Figgy,’ she said, turning away as a tear dropped onto her cheek. She swiped at it, hoping no one had noticed, but when she looked up, Doris was gazing at her, her mouth pinched.

‘You don’t have to leave now,’ Liam said, but Clara ignored him and walked towards Jenny, Charlie and Joe. Away from Liam – and all her feelings and hopes.

‘I don’t know where he’s gone,’ the older man said as he lifted up the black cloth draped over his table again. ‘They should be here. This is all wrong. There are special sections in the table. They should have gone into there.’

‘Is there anywhere you haven’t looked?’ Clara asked as Charlie began to cry and tugged on Clara’s skirt. She picked him up and he buried his face in her neck.

‘I’ve checked the shelves, my flat, the bins.’ The older man winced. ‘I’ve even looked in my wardrobe because – well, you know Figgy.’