Page 141 of Pucked Around and Found Out

“I don't⁠—”

“Yes, you do,” he interrupts. “You love her. And the thought of losing her destroys you. That's not weakness, X. That's human.”

“I'm not human,” I say. “I killed forty-three people tonight. Carved their lips off while they were alive. Put them in my pockets like trophies. What human does that, Caspian?”

“The kind that was fighting to get back to the woman he loves,” Cas says. “You think I'm any better? I shot seventeen men tonight. Headshots. Clean kills. And I felt nothing. Because they were between me and getting you out. Between us and getting to Terror.”

He hobbles closer.

“We're monsters, X. Both of us. But we're monsters who love. And that's something.”

I sink down onto the mat, my back against the ropes.

“I can't get the image out of my head,” I admit. “That surveillance footage Fiona showed me. Toren and Carnage. His hands on her face. Her leaning into him. Almost kissing.”

Cas is quiet for a moment.

“You're jealous,” he observes.

“I'm fucking furious,” I correct. “I was locked in a cage and he was touching her. She was letting him touch her.”

“She pulled back,” Cas points out.

“Barely,” I grit out through clenched teeth.

“But she did,” he insists. “She chose you. Even when you didn't deserve it. Even when Carnage was offering her everything you weren't. She chose you.”

The words should comfort me.

They don't.

“What if she stops choosing me?” I ask barely above a whisper. “What if she wakes up and realizes Carnage is better? Safer? Less fucked up?”

“Then you fight for her,” Cas says simply. “You show her why she chose you in the first place. You be the man she fell in love with.”

“I don't know who that is, I don’t know how to be that fucking person,” I admit.

“Yes, you do,” Cas says. “He's the one who ran into a burning building. Who gave her forty-eight hours when he wanted revenge immediately against the guy who ruined his life. Who killed forty-three people to get back to her. Who loves her so much it terrifies him.”

He sits down beside me, awkward with the cast.

“That's who you are, X. You're a monster who loves. And she loves you back. Don't throw that away because you're scared, brother.”

I voice my deepest fear without meaning to. “What if I lose her too?”

“She isn’t going anywhere. That girl wanted to start a war and take over her family empire just so you would see her. She has their blood and name but you can change one of those things in the future. She isn’t a weakness for you, brother. If you allow her, she will become your greatest strength, you just have to let her in. It will be the most terrifying thing you ever do because you are allowing someone else the strength to destroy you. But, that’s what love is, brother. It’s a gamble. It’s both a blessing and curse.”

We sit here in silence for a long moment.

“I need to go to the hospital,” I finally say.

“Yeah,” Cas agrees. “You do.”

“What if she's—what if she didn't⁠—”

“Then you deal with it,” Cas says firmly. “But she had a pulse. That means she's still fighting. And Toren Kellar doesn't give up easily.”

He's right.